| |
 |
|
 |
| |
Friday, January 30
Zero's Friday Five
It's Super Bowl weekend! Do you realize that the very first Zero's Friday Five was done on Superbowl weekend five years ago? It's true! I've reposted that particular blog twice in the Friday Five's history, so I'm not going to do it again. I just wanted to toot my own horn for a second. Which of course, is the subject of this week's Friday Five. Yes, friends and do-gooders, this week I'm all about the top 5 ways to toot your own horn, praise yourself, celebrate the wonder that is you, and generally stroke your own ego. Why? Because, narcissism is in and gothy-emo low self esteem is out... no matter what the vampire kids tell you.
1. Update your Facebook or MySpace status with something really douchey and vague like, "... is on top of the world!" or "... is so excited!" and wait for your friends and assorted online acquaintances to start messaging you asking why and what's up, thus granting you unabashed license to talk about yourself and how rad you are. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. And as an added bonus, you get to find out who, among your friends, are the nosy ones.
2. Get yourself a hooker. Yes, it's a Friday Five tradition, but it can now be yours as well in honor of a job well done. Nothing says, "I'm the shiznit" more than a healthy dose of the clap, or a night in jail because that craigslist ad for call girls was actually a police sting. Don't believe the hype and always, when presented with options, choose asian.
3. Bacon Cake is another fine idea. I believe a recipe lurks in the forums right here on TKOP dot com. Invite a few friends over for some rented 3-D porn (oh yes, it's happening), some beer and some bacon cake. In a few days, the police will find your celebration party, dead, bloated, greasy, sticky, and all wearing 3-D glasses for no immediately obvious reason. Heart attacks, all around. Another 10 years go by and Terry Gilliam will use the story of this horrific event as a set piece in his latest film, which will hopefully be a sequel to 1982's epic, "Brazil", and you will be immortalized forever. Not bad for patting yourself on the back, huh?
4. Go visit Isis Uptown in Louisiana. She's lonely for some TKOP company. Sure, she's got a man, but what man could compare to you after the glorious thing that you accomplished? I think a girl like Isis would be impressed with your go getter attitude. After all, she survived Katrina and Alex Trebek. Conversely, if you need something to cheer yourself on about, you might consider going down to the dock of the bay and killing Isis*, because a girl who survived the aforementioned, but who could not survive you, makes you look pretty awesome... or something.
5. Punch Skeeve. It's fun, and we've all wanted to at one point or another. Some more than most.
And there you have it, now go get your ego fed, you glorious bastards!
* The Friday Five does not condone violent crimes or the murder of anyone on the forums, especially Isis Uptown, who is as sexy as they come and will one day have my children, all five of them. :)
posted by: Zero @ 10:19 AM
Wednesday, January 28
#42: Requires no Ability to Read and Minimal Counting Skills
The title is from the Wikipedia entry about Candy Land. I am not bothering to edit the time stamp, since the TKOP front page has been dead.
Odder than Artifice and all of its characters are © 2008-2009 by Deena Salzman.Labels: Edgar, Game Night, Odder than Artifice, Paolo, Terry
posted by: Veryne @ 10:04 PM
Tuesday, January 20
On writing
I tend to shy away from resolutions, as they tend to border inevitably on unrealistic. But I took a page from a fellow livejournaler's electronic book, and have started setting several realistic, attainable goals for myself every year.
One of my resolutions for this year has been to write every day, purposefully. I have a list of prompts, and I've been generally hitting the daily mark, fits and spurts accommodating for the random needs of life notwithstanding. I also find I do better maintaining a daily writing pace if I feel like I have some kind of accountability to other people... so prepare to be spammed.
This is today's piece, from the prompts "angst" and "why."
It’s just one step.
One of many, but just one.
The first one.
In so many other directions
The world stretches away
And away I could go.
But there’s still that step
Stopping me from stepping away.
Just one step.
One step could change everything
Perspective lifting and shifting
Make me see the world differently
Whether I want to
Or not.
It is like the first moment
Of pen set to paper
Or the breath just before a song –
Loaded with potential.
There’s everywhere to go but up.
And up, and up, as step leads on to stair.
Because it will change things.
Because it’s there.
Just one step.
Just one
Step.
posted by: Bliss @ 10:51 PM
Thursday, January 8
TFRL keeps the kittens warm:
posted by: Torn From Real Life @ 12:23 AM
Tuesday, January 6
Happy Birthday to... me!
It's an honor and a privilege to be the first TKOP Birthday every year. Time marches on, and we're all marching with it, in the regular, steadily pace of the birthday parade.
Put on your shiny white shoes and a tall white feathered hat, let's head on in to the new year!
posted by: Bliss @ 11:23 PM
Friday, January 2
Zero's Friday Five
Holy SH--! It's 2009! Only 3 more years and... poof! Doomsday. The ancient, prophecy-laden Mayan or Aztec or whoever's calendar ends, and with it goes the world. Pray your Gods that Obama spends his time in office not just mending all the woes of this war-torn, broken-economy, doom and gloom nation and world, but that he also finds the time to strike up a deal with the Ancients to not pull the plug on December 23rd 2012. Or was it the 21st?
Kids, let me tell you now that this is not just another Y2K, not just another blip on the front page of the Enquirer (well, maybe it is). It's time to start planning now for the end of days. We do not know the form of the Destructor, but Zero's here to give you a few tips and suggestions for several possible Doomsday scenarios.
1. Zombie Apocalypse - The dead rise from the grave and... you've seen it in movies, I'm sure. Invest in canned goods and shotguns, go up staircase, destroy staircase, and that should keep you for at least a couple weeks. Still, unless there's an island somewhere safe and you have a boat, a helicopter or a hovercraft. You might as well pull a Kurt Kobain and paint the wall with the inside of your head.
2. Out Like The Dinosaurs - Meteor strikes the Earth and... you've seen it in movies, I'm sure. Start digging your underground shelter now, invest in canned goods and shotguns, batteries, candles, lanterns and matches. It's dark in the Undercity. But, the surface will be scorched with ash and tidal waves and god knows what else, so I'd plan to be down there for a few years at least. Then, poke your head out and see if you can still breathe... that is, if you haven't run out of air already.
3. World War 3 - Nuclear war ensues, likely by fault of a computer malfunction or terrorist attack... you've seen it in movies, I'm sure. Invest in sunscreen and UV goggles, because it's going to be really bright for a few seconds. After that, it'll be a while before aliens repopulate our world from far away... you know... the same ones Tom Cruise thinks populated our world to begin with. If at first you don't succeed...
4. Alien Attack! - All other worldly species regard the Earth and it's creatures as extermination bait... you've seen it in movies, I'm sure. Find a retard and become his/her new best friend. For some reason retards always survive these things. If no retards are handy, find the guy trying to convince a government official that he knows a very important secret and hang with him... Oh, wait... they're often one in the same. Whatever you do, do NOT go to the meeting that the visitors invite our world leaders to. Those guys know how to set up a whacking better than Don Corleone.
5. Natural Disaster Buffet - Volcanoes erupt, tidal waves drown cities, earthquakes suck down the masses... you've seen it in movies, I'm sure. The funny thing about this one is that, when you do see it in movies, people run around all panicked and end up dying for dumb reasons. Do they not remember the drills we all practiced in grade school?! Hide under your desk, or run to the nearest gymnasium and sit along the wall, facing it, and wait for the whole thing to blow over.
...Maybe we'll laugh about this in 2013.
posted by: Zero @ 11:26 AM
Thursday, January 1
Zombie Dick Clark sez:
posted by: Torn From Real Life @ 12:01 AM
ARCHIVES
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
| |
