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Wednesday, February 28
A short fabrication, or possibly a dream...
The Sea Finch, Kelp Nibbler & Rubber Nipple were all dreaded pirate ships that sailed the high seas off the coast of the Kingdom of Narfington. But the dreadest, nay, the dreadiest pirate ship of all was the Soggy Bottom, helmed by the feared Captain Cookie Crumb. It was said that he left no man unpoked, unraspberried, or untickled. But he wasn't just a pirate. He was a ninja pirate. Before pillaging the seas, he was the leader of the Fuzzibelli Clan, a centuries old school of elite ninjas that ruled the Jade Alps. It is rumored that one day he tickled his entire clan into giving up ninjaing and wandered the countryside raspberrying everyone in his path, until he was knocked unconscious by a falling coconut and someone dumped him on a boat in the ocean, where he remained until this very day, never setting foot on land again. Instead of a typical pirate hook for a hand, he sported a Japanese Sai, and in place of a peg leg, he had a Katana (which sometimes stuck to the ship's wooden floors, so he didn't move around very much. Mostly just standing still and looking menacing was his thing). Yes, Captain Cookie Crumb was one ninja pirate you didn't want to mess with. Unless of course, you were Admiral Jasper Alexander of the Narfington Navy.
There was much to be said Admiral Jasper that hadn't been said a thousand times over by his loyal crew and friends, but they never tired of saying it, and often put it into song. He was loved by all good people, and feared by all others. He had filled the Kingdom's prisons with the worst of the worst of the seas, and let many free for good behavior. But yet still one man eluded him, and this was the dread ninja pirate Crumb. In fact, just recently, in a dastardly move by Crumb, all of the Navy's ships were sunk while all the sailors were on shore celebrating Jasper's birthday. Without their ships, how could they protect Narfington's seas? It was just then, that a shadowy figure entered the Pizza Parlor, hunched over and hidden by a old tattered cloak. The parlor went silent and all sailors put down their fizzy sweet water and pizza. A cackling laughter came from underneath the cloak and all the sailors put their hands to the hilts of their swords, ready to draw and fight to protect their Admiral and his Pizza Parlor. But suddenly the shadowy figure stood tall and the hunch was no more, and the cloak was tossed aside and there stood a glorious sight to be seen, for it was Princess Sunshine Aldatyme. The sailors all raised their glasses and cheered, and the princess approached the Admiral and handed him a long golden rope and a small mirror, then whispered in his ear. The sailors all made insinuating "Ooooo" noises, but the princess shot them all a dirty look and the room fell silent again as she donned the cloak once more, hunched herself over and shuffled out the room just as she came in moments before. She even cackled once again for good measure. Admiral Jasper told his men he must set out at once to the Jade Alps on a super secret important mission, but he must go alone. All the sailors gave an understanding nod, except one who insisted on suggesting something naughty about the princess again, but one disapproving look from the Admiral and the sailor went around the back of the parlor and flagellated himself with a slice of pepperoni pizza.
After a long journey, the Admiral reached the Jade Alps and followed the crimson path just as the Princess had described in her whisper. It took him to the top of a tall peak, where an old dojo lay in empty ruin. He crept inside and stepped around the many neatly folded ninja outfits that were strewn all around until he reached a staircase that went down for as long as he could see. A great bellowing of some sort came from below as the Admiral descended the stairs into darkness...
Meanwhile the high seas were awash with awful pirating. Bellies were being raspberried, feet tickled and sides poked. No one was safe from their dreaded wrath of dread. Captain Cookie Crumb was leading all the other pirates along the coast leaving no village unteased. Then they set sail for the deep waters to celebrate another day of good pirating. A dozen or so ships surrounded the Soggy Bottom and all the pirates were partying aboard her. They all sang songs about Captain Cookie Crumb because they were afraid of him. And they all ate cheese pizza because he told them too, which was a terrible thing to do, because everyone knows that pirates are lactose intolerant. Suddenly, a great roar shattered the reveling, and a silence fell over the ship. Another roar echoed across the water, and then in the moonlight the shape of some great beast was illuminated against the starry sky. Another roar blew out all the candles and gas lights on the Foggy Bottom, and as their eyes adjusted to the darkness, all the pirates could then see what stood before them. A great green lion, tall as a pirate ship, stood on the water as if it was glass. A golden rope was tied around it's neck, and atop it's furry green mane, was Little Admiral Jasper Alexander. A single "Yarrgh" was heard aboard the Foggy Bottom, breaking the silence, and all pirates dashed to the sides of the ship and dove overboard, swimming back to their own ships in great haste. All but one had fled the Foggy Bottom, the Ninja Pirate Crumb remained. Once all the other pirate ships had fled in fear, Jasper jumped from the great green lion to the deck of the foggy bottom, golden rope in hand. He paused for a moment and tied it to the mast of the ship, and then approached Crumb. "Well well well," Crumb began "if it isn't the Little Admiral. Did you lose your ship boy?" Jasper just smiled, infuriating the ninja pirate. But when Crumb tried to move toward him, he could not, as his Katana leg was stuck again in the wooden floor of the ship. Jasper waved goodbye, then turned back to the great green lion, who was still tied to the mast. The Admiral pulled out the small mirror and showed it to the great green lion. Terrified by his own image, the great green lion turned and ran from the mirror. Jasper smiled again at Crumb, and before the rope lost all slack, the Admiral leapt from the back of the ship into the water. The great green lion ran as fast as he could into deeper seas, dragging the Foggy Bottom behind it into the darkness. Captain Cookie Crumb would never again be a threat to the Kingdom of Narfington.
Far from shore, the Little Admiral did the dog paddle in the darkness for awhile until he tired from that and laid back to look at the stars and rest. The ocean was quiet and soothing and soon Jasper was quite tired and wanted to go to sleep. Without a ship to sail, not even a paddle, the Little Admiral was stranded on the high seas and there wasn't anything he could do about it. But at least his people were safe again, and so he decided to curl up and sleep on the sea tonight. A small tuft of great green lion hair under his head was keeping him afloat and comfy, so he closed his eyes and slept, not knowing where he might wake up next, and what adventures might await him.
posted by: Zung @ 11:17 AM
Monday, February 26
Have you met the French?
I'm not even supposed to be doing this blog today... On of the admin staff should be picking this up to tell you that the new arrival has made it and that mommy and daddy are resting well with thier new little bundle of joy. I mean seriously. I feel like I do when my package status gets changed and days are added to the delivery date. Stupid Fedex. I know that they have something to do with this too.
Well, for those of you not in the IRC chat (Just click the link there at the left... Seriously... What are you waiting for...) we've been talking about dialation, and effacement and... Well, you know... Birth. It seems that our impending bundle of joy isn't going to be waiting long. (Certainly not to his due date) (And we're more than fine with this idea) but when we were told this on Thursday, well it seemed so emminant. So now each day that there is no blissful arrival (Like that, huh?) there's a little post non-birth let down as we all have to get up and drag ourselves into work at reasonable hours, as opposed to rushing around like gits in the night getting ready for the big event.
So, as soon as I know I'm sure one of the guys will pop on and let you all know that we've spawned yet again.
Until then, check out the new cam in the webcams gallery, and welcome seuratt's mug to the menagerie.
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:39 PM
Friday, February 23
Zero's Friday Five
I hope you've enjoyed the last two weeks on the Friday blog space. It appears that games can be just as fun as lists. Speaking of games, have you posted in ZERO'S FORUM GAMES in the free forums today? No? Well, get to it! If you're not a member of the site, then sign up and get to it! I haven't got all day.
Now, onto the blog. Certain parties on the TKOP have randomly made it into my Friday Five web of trickery and make-believe over the last 2 years. From what I gather, everyone has had a good sense of humor about it, and I want to personally thank them for not beating me up. I always think it's fun when I can incorporate board members into the Five. I think it creates an atmosphere not unlike the one at a typical Thanksgiving dinner with one's family. You know what I mean. The feeling one gets shortly after your father has accused your sister of being the town whore, and your mother has defended her by telling everyone at the table that your father hasn't been able to get it up in 10 years. Your brother comes out of the closet. Your grandmother tells the most insanely racist joke you've ever had the misfortune of hearing. All this, and they haven't even served the turkey yet. Just wait until it's time for pie. Yup. I love setting that kind of mood around here. It's my gift to you. Every Friday is a holiday, complete with leftovers, here on the front page. That said, here's some stuff you may not know about your fellow TKOP mates.
1. Skeeve is an avid collector of 19th century pornography. If you go down to his basement, you'll find an etching on the east wall by the fuse box that resembles a cat's eye. If you place your tongue into the etching, a secret passage will open that leads into Skeeve's den of ancient nookie books. Nevermind the smell, either. That's just because the man refuses to clean up after himself.
2. Anibas is on the lamb. Sure, she used to post buckets on the TKOP... before the murder. Yup. Our little Anibas CLAIMS that motherhood has rendered her rapid posting ability null and void, but Zero knows the truth. She killed a guy in the heat of passion. I don't know all the details, but I think there were plastic bags and choking involved. Things just got a little out of hand, but hey... that's why Skeeve doesn't rent out his den of ancient porn for couples anymore. Freaky stuff happens down there. Anyway, this guy died mid-coitus or whatever, and Anibas has been running from the law ever since.
3. IsisUptown caused Hurricane Katrina. She left a hose on after watering her organic cucumber garden and the rest is history. Don't tell FEMA.
4. Muddseye blew President Clinton. He's got a stained black trenchcoat to prove it. Word has it that Kenneth Star refused to bring this part of the scandal to light, believing that he already had enough evidence to impeach without bringing up homosexuality. After all, if the gay issue were brought up back then (and why it is ever an "issue" is confusing to this blogger), the GOP would have had nothing to pull out when desperate to distract the country from a losing and unpopular war, a failed response to a cataclysmic natural disaster, a scandal involving the release of an undercover agent's identity and all those other happy things we keep hearing about. /end political humor (I'm not good at it, anyway).
5. Lippy is a dude. Well, really she's a pre-op tranny. But, once she gets the couple thousand dollars together there'll be no more of that nonsense. In fact, I think the next TKOP meet should be a fund raiser to help Lippy get her stubby clipped. Rocky Horror Picture Show FTW!
And there, you have it! Now, I know. I know. You're all like... Zero, that's quite rude to poke fun at people. And I agree. The only reason I didn't post my little secret (that I'm actually a clone of Oliver North and that I also dabble in making gay porn movies specifically marketed towards Senators and Congressmen... and children) is because that's not a secret. EVERYBODY knows that already. Incidentally, those movies are WILDLY unpopular. But, I did manage to get Screech to do a cameo in my courtroom masterpiece, "12 Horny Men".
posted by: Zero @ 10:34 AM
Wednesday, February 21
It's that time of year again
No, I'm not talking about the anticipation of spring or filing your taxes. It's time for American Idol! I know what you're thinking, what the hell is wrong with you Zung? Why are you watching that crap? Honestly, I got hooked on American Idol a few years ago after fighting it's existance for so long. Then I realized how much fun it is when you look at it as a show about creativity. After you get past the insane humiliation rounds of city auditions and the hollywood week episodes (that are pretty boring), you have 24 really talented kids who work hard to sing their best each week. Who doesn't enjoy music? It's nice to see some of these people develop as artists and get better throughout the season.
I'm a fan of reality shows that are about personal creativity (like Project Runway or Top Chef), and shows that inspire positivity (like Queer Eye). I find the rest of reality shows just try and sell you an idea of what reality isn't. I'd rather have fiction, thanks.
These kids are a lot of fun to listen to. Especially that crazy kid from Seattle who does an amazing beatbox, or that smart ass fat kid (who's my personal favorite).
That's all. I've just finished watching last night's episode, and now it's on to watch the girls sing tonight.
posted by: Zung @ 9:22 PM
Monday, February 19
Sorry kids.
I'm calling this one in sick.
I went to work with a 100.7 fever today and if I have this fever again tomorrow I'll not be going into work again.
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:15 PM
Friday, February 16
Zero's Friday Five
I see a red door.
posted by: Zero @ 12:21 PM
Thursday, February 15
A Poem As Yet Untitled
Don't write about roses;
roses are overdone
roses are worn out
roses are a poetic cliche'
- Or so would a poetry teacher say.
But, bombarded with a nose-wrecking scent
from the street-boundaried bushes,
it comes finally to mind there must be a reason.
As stereotypes spring from unfortunate realities,
Likewise is it undeniably so that
roses have a unmistakable heady perfume,
nonethless comparable with certain manmade musks;
that there is a velvety texture to petals,
reminiscent of youthful female skin
(particularly of untouched upper thigh);
And the Aesopish fable of beauty in pain, and pain in beauty,
is ever exhibited by naturally thorny stems.
posted by: Bliss @ 5:54 PM
Monday, February 12
Happy "love" day.
I know I know... It's not for everyone. But I still love Valentines day. I even loved it when I was single, with no prospects for Valentines day dates... I would give out cards, and candy... I was sorta like a giant St. Valentines elf.. Or... Seraphim... Or... Something.
My current job doesn't lend itself to cards... But I will probably get some frosted heart cookies, or cup cakes, or something.
Love comes in many shapes and sizes. And Valentines Day is a day for the outward expression of that love. It doesn't all have to be creepy stalkerish secret admirer kinda love. It's a great day to let people know about the little crushes you have. I like to call these the "professional crush". Is there someone at your job whos work you appreciate? When you bring them an issue they always come through for you? Recognise that! Even with something silly like a sponge bob card.
Flowers get stupid expensive this time of year too. I mean, whose idea WAS it to have the major flower giving holiday in FEBURARY?
Also? The Jewelry industry has thier claws into this holiday pretty hard. I loved the ad I heard on the radio... Basically warning guys against buying dinner and flowers as it's a waste of money. in thier words: "Flowers die, dinners come and go.."
Um... dinners come and go? So... Poop? Um... Never mind.
And I suppose that you can add candy into that same "pool" too. i mean, you know... The coming and the going... Never mind... The less said about excretia the better around Valentines, I suppose.
Women generally get presents in the form or chocolates, flowers, dinner out and cards. Men on the other hand get... Well, nothing, really. I mean sometime the woman will buy herslef some new lingere and wrap herself in it... This is a good gift, but you really wanna pander to your man give him a threesome. it's really what all guys want anyway. (Oh, and a girl:girl:guy threesome, too, not one of those lame 2 guys and a girl kind.)
Happy Valentines Day to all!
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:24 PM
Friday, February 9
Zero's Friday Five
It was a dark and stormy night, and I was so hungry I could've eaten a horse. With one foot in the grave, I was clearly barking up the wrong tree. "But," I said "When you play with fire, you're going to get burned".
posted by: Zero @ 8:41 AM
Wednesday, February 7
Some nonsense about food...
I was feeding my cats wet food the other day (which I read was good for cats, as they get most of their liquid intake from eating animals or from running water. Their tongues weren't built for drinking out of a bowl. But that could just be some PETA rubbish. Anyhow), I was feeding them flavors like Chicken, Beef, Pork and Fish. And it occurred to me, why are we bothering to market these meats or flavors to cats? This is the kind of food humans eat, not cats. When was the last time you saw a neighborhood cat bring down a cow and eat it?
What they ought to be marketing to cats is things like "Sparrow in Gravy" or "Fine Mole Rat Fillets" These are flavors they are used to tasting! For the house cat, perhaps a bowl of "Cat ass flavored Tofu"?
But we do kid ourselves, even with what we put on our plates. I ate chicken, cow and pig for most of my youth without much thought to the fact of that meat once walked around and enjoyed life. That lack of understanding has led me to be a poor omnivore. I think if I had a little more compassion I'd eat a lot more vegetables. I'm not taking any sort of a crazy anti meat stance here, I love meat. It's delicious. But when I think about it's previous life as a living being, I get a little sad. This is why I hate eating anything with bones still attached. It's sort of gruesome. I really prefer my chicken in nuggets with a nice little zesty sauce.
Just like my cats do.
posted by: Zung @ 10:45 PM
Monday, February 5
2 Years?
We've been letting him do this for 2 years? Damn!
Longest running in joke, or graffiti?
; )
We kid cause we love.
So, the new furniture is here, and it's wonderful. I'm sitting on the Chaise Lounge right now with the quilt on my lap and the cat nestled on my lap fighting for room with my laptop.
So, now I'm lost. Really. Lost. We're just finishing the first season now. The island has chosen us.
It's a fun show. Light and airy. A bit predictable in the dialouge. But overall not too shabby.
Ok, going to finish the last episode of season one. See you on the other side.
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:53 PM
Friday, February 2
Zero's Friday Five: 24 Months Later
It's been 2 years since I started the Friday Blog, which most of you know as Zero's Friday Five. Some of you may even remember my brief stint into regular blogging called Citizen Zero... well, lists turned out to be more my thing. Anywho, I was thinking of republishing the very first Friday Five in tribute to myself... but after reading it, man... it was not entertaining! Why did you people let me continue mucking up this space based on that debut?! Thank you. I couldn't have stuck it out with the patience and understanding of our five wonderful SysOps... wait... did someone say five?! Well, slap my dingleberries, I think I have a tribute after all! This week, it's Zero's Friday Five: Get To Know Your SysOps!
1. Skeeve - He insists he's not the King of Kingdom Possiltum, and yet he continues to wear that crown at all the TKOP meets and make all the ladies kiss his sceptre. Frankly, and since we're being honest here, I've never really liked him all that much. He's bigger and stronger than me, and he's got a really nice smile, and he makes me question my sexuality all the time. Every time he's around I just feel my buttcheeks spreading. It's all too much to handle. Damned handsome giant. Curse you and your rugged, manly good looks and gigantic wang!
2. WushuPork - Speaking of gigantic wangs, there's a rumor going around since 1994 that WushuPork actually got his handle from a chinese ex-girlfriend of his. Beyond that, he's the man we can all blame when things go wrong around here. Oh yeah. He's the man with his finger on the great big red button. The only way we can truly free ourselves from the addictive free forums around here (see: Zero's FORUM GAMES), is to kill him and his offspring and claim them for the little guy.
3. Zung - aka The Little Guy. He does weird things on his webcam. He draws. And he misses his Wednesday blogging responsibility more times than Bliss misses her period (see: twice, resulting in two beautiful children). One time I caught Zung in a closet in Muddseye's house touching himself. He said he was looking for his keys, but I can't imagine that you need to be naked from the waist down in order to do that. Hell, I lose my keys all the time, and I never have to take my pants off to find them. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Anywho, Zung isn't all indecent exposure at other TKOP members' houses. He's an artist and a fine, fine prostitute.
4. Ace (Not Diamonds) - Speaking of prostitutes. Ace (Not Diamonds) is currently serving a 14 month jail term for propositioning, and then violently assaulting, hookers. That's why we don't see him around the board much. Maybe in a few months, with good behavior, he'll stop the daily torment of man on man anal rape and rejoin us in the free world.
5. Bliss - Having mentioned anal rape, that brings me to our one and only actual female SysOp (sorry, Zung), Bliss. She's a mommy and she keeps Skeeve on a short leash, protecting sexually confused "straight" guys like myself, DinerInfinium, Eyeball, et al from his advances. I can't really make fun of Bliss, because she'll kick my a$$ into the middle of next week. I've seen her do it. At the last TKOP meet Major Huddleston promised to bring Potato Salad and then actually showed up with Macaroni Salad instead. Bliss took it to him with a baseball bat and Huddleston hasn't been seen since. It's that kind of stuff that makes me 100% sure that Bliss is my favorite SysOp. Yup. I'm a fan. Please don't hurt me.
Thanks for 2 years of letting me disturb your happy homepage. :)
posted by: Zero @ 7:53 PM
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