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Monday, January 29
furnish my dreams:
We spent the weekend, after finding out that we were getting a pretty good refund this year, searching furniture stores for what Bliss calls "A real grown up dining room set".
In the process we found a set of furniture that we decided that we could not live without to replace my 10 year old, wearing out couch and love seat. (And as a bonus it has a chaise lounge. Which I have claimed in every possible way as my own, once it arrives.)
Of course, the "fun" part will now be to a: get rid of the OLD set. and b: somehow stuff *3* peices of furniture into the space currently crammed full of *2* peices of furniture.
We used the online furniture arranging tool at our local "we charge you way too much for bits of wood and fabric that you sit on" store to see if we could get an idea of how we could arrange the room differently. Add into this a pregnant "nesting" Bliss and... Yeah, you see my pain. : )
So, we came up with an idea that seemed workable. We found a nice set on clearance. (Last ones!) and we found places to stuff them. Now... We wait for delivery! Mu-hahahah! yes! The phantom delievery guys who will call, let it ring once and then disapear forever! This is the evil master plan of the furniture industry. To keep you wide awake, paranoid to go to the bathroom and ready to grab the phone or answer the door for anyone! (I think they're in league with the Jehova's Witnesses) And then... Back order! Our table needs to be "made". (As if this thing isn't just going to be squirted out of a calk gun on some little polensian island, anyway) and we have to wait 3-4 weeks for it to get into thier store, and THEN they can deliver it. Riiight.
And... Ok... I'm a sucker. We paid an extra $99 to protect the table. If anything stains it... Scratches it.. Dents it... Looks at it funny... Nail polishes it... Whatever! For the next 5 years they will fix it for us. I figure with two toddlers this is a 'Good Thing' (tm). I imagine we will be on a first name basis with the repair guy. ("Hi there, Bob! The usual in your coffee! That's right, it's premanent marker today! How novel!")
So, now I'm off to bed, to dream little dreams of furniture salesmen running after me spewing business cards in my path like deranged snow clouds.
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:27 PM
Friday, January 26
Zero's Friday Five
You may have noticed that the Friday Five is a little bit late today, and that's because Zero is feeling all kinds of sicky. In honor of the vomit rising in my throat, I present Zero's top five favorite obscure illnesses!
1. Buruli Ulcer - caused by bacteria related to leprosy and tuberculosis. The bug produces a toxin that eats away muscle and blood vessels and suppresses the immune system. Large areas of skin and sometimes bone are destroyed, causing gross deformities. Think Sloth from the Goonies, only gross and bleeding from his anus.
2. Onchocerciasis - gets its name from the black fly that breeds near fast-moving rivers and transmits the disease when it bites people while infected with microscopic parasitic larvae. Victims suffer grave and unrelenting itching. The disease also clogs the body’s lymph drainage system and that results in swelling, thickening and wrinkling of the skin. The parasite can also attack the cornea, causing blindness. Elephantiasis - or painful extreme enlargement - of the genitals is also a feature of the disease. So, everybody Wang Chung tonight!
3. Nodding Syndrome - The newest and most mysterious scourge to strike the beleaguered people of southern Sudan which has been reported nowhere else in the world and which appears to afflict only children. It is so named because the first symptom seems to be head-nodding when a child is eating. Over time, it may progress to severe epileptic seizures. Many of the children also have stunted growth and become mentally retarded. They sometimes die after a few years of deterioration. Only a few have recovered.
4. Trypanosomiasis - commonly known as sleeping sickness. Without treatment, everyone dies from it. Virtually eliminated from Africa during the 1960s, sleeping sickness is now in the midst of a resurgence across sub-Saharan Africa. It is caused by the trypanosoma parasite, which enters the bloodstream through the bite of the tsetse fly. Once the parasite gets into the central nervous system, victims become confused and stumble about. They keep falling asleep, even while standing. As the disease progresses, the sleep becomes longer, stretching into a coma, then death. And you thought it was narcolepsy!
5. Corrupted Blood - Zul'Gurub dungeon is the home of the fearsome Hakkar - the god of Blood. In his death throes Hakkar hits his enemies with a "corrupted blood" infection that can instantly kill weaker characters. The infection was only supposed to affect those in the immediate vicinity of Hakkar's corpse but some players found a way to transfer it to other areas of the game by infecting an in-game virtual pet with it. This pet would then be unleashed in a major city, like Stormwind, and proved hugely effective as the Corrupted Blood plague spread from player to player. Although computer controlled characters did not contract the plague, they are said to have acted as "carriers" and infected player-controlled characters they encountered.
You are now free to bulk up on your vitamin C and antibiotics.
posted by: Zero @ 6:12 PM
Wednesday, January 24
A life less ornery
So far my week has been frickin great. Gone are the incessant chattering of hollowed cranium coworkers. Forgotten is the monotony of endless single clicks of data entry. A great weight has fallen from my shoulders, and it lays on the floor, twitching and drooling, like a foolish monkey suffering from an excess of dumb.
Yes, quitting one's job is like the heavens opening up with a giant thumbs up and the clouds thundering "Way to go dude!"
On my last day I was approached by a number of employees of whom I had never spoken a word to, to ask me if I was the one who was leaving and offered me praise for doing so. It was as if I had done something heroic, like I had slain a great beast or promised to free them all from slavery. But I'm an anti-hero, and they're still all suffering through their miserable employment.
Forgive me if I sound elitist. I think that most of us hate having to be at work, and would rather be doing something else. Maybe traveling the country with their family, or sitting on their ass and playing Worlds of Warcraft all day. A number of noble ventures come to mind if the daily drudgery of employment were cast aside. I respect the working class heroes, but perhaps I find contempt for the capitalist working model because my job was nothing more than a small gear in a machine to make my bosses richer. I hope that whatever it is you do, that you find pleasure in it somehow. I think that might be a part of the puzzle of the secret of life.
Also, cheese. I'm sure that Cheese is also part of the secret of life. It's the delicious part.
posted by: Zung @ 8:19 PM
Monday, January 22
Is it time for a Vacation yet?
I need a 2 week vacation... 26 times a year... (add 'em up.)
It's really not that I hate my job, honestly. If anything I love where I work and what I do, even right now in the stressful time as students begin to roll back onto campus. But I want to travel... and relax. To see things in the world that this day to day exsistance is denying me. Meet people in those places and share a moment or two. To show my wife and my kids this country, and as many others as we can get to. Hell, I'd show them the moon if I could arrange it. (Tho, the drive would be hell... "I need the bathroom!" Wait till the next gas station!")
I keep thinking of going back out west. I remember as a kid I'd get to see Arizona, and Texas (Well that was just a big flat place that went on for two days) and I remember fantasizing about cowboys, and saloons and hitching posts, and finding a six shooter, or a badge in the orange red dust. Oh, and tumbleweeds.
Yeah, it was never like that.
I also have this weird memory of looking down on a restuarant in the Grand Canyon... and the Galloping Gourmet was hosting a show there. I think too many memories are jammed in this poor old head of mine.
Perhaps I just need a vacation.
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:02 PM
Friday, January 19
Zero's Friday Five
I've done it. I've pulled a few strings, called up a few favors, and done a lot of sex stuff I can't (and don't want to) talk about with weird, dirty perverts to get you this week's five. I have the confidential list of the next five WoW expansions coming out over the next 10 years. Brace yourselves, this one is a top-secret hootnanny, and I'm your whistle blower. That's whistle, not wang. I'm talking to you, Wildfire.
1. WoW: Return of The Lich King - Arthas takes center stage in this expansion which sees the level cap raised to 80, new areas like Northrend open up, new professions like "Hooking" (Azeroth's oldest profession) and "Exotic Dancing", and new races: Naga and Worgen for the Horde and Alliance respectively. That sounds legitimate enough, but from here it gets a little nutty.
2. WoW: When Worlds' Collide - The Zerg from Starcraft arrive in Azeroth and all hell breaks loose. That is until the Protoss also show up and intergalactic warfare ensues on a planet that has yet to emerge from medieval times. New professions include "Zerg Sex Slave" and "Anal Protoss Bandit", level cap raises to 90, and the Zerg and Protoss become the new Horde and Alliance races, respectively.
3. WoW: The Final Chapter - Diablo has arrived, and with him come new classes for the Horde and Alliance: Assassin, Necromancer and Amazon. The level cap tops out at 100. Having finally successfully merged all three of their most popular IPs into one game, the expansion of WoW is officially over. New professions include "Gloryhole Crafting" and "Gloryhole Operator".
4. WoW: We Love Money!!!!!111!!ZOMG!!! - Coming just months after the so-called "Final" expansion, Blizzard releases this set, which finally includes the hero classes from Warcraft 3, and a bunch of new instances. My favorite is the 40 man raid dungeon called "Your Wallet" in which players must band together to spend all of their money, destroy their jobs, marriages, and educations, and finally face down Azeroth's ultimate bad guy: "Personal Responsibilicus".
5. WoW: Seriously?! You're Still Playing WoW? - Now in it's 12th year, Blizzard releases this pack which deletes all your characters, makes your computer explode, and cuts off your penis. Seriously. 12 years? Get a Playstation 4, or an Xbox720 for God sakes. Buy a different Blizzard game! You know they've released Diablo 3, 4, 5, and 6 by now, as well as Starcraft 2. They even put out a game called, "Please Stop Playing WoW: all these servers are getting expensive and our market share is in the toilet!" It was a pretty decent game.
I guess the moral of this week's five is this: Enjoy it while it lasts. Because at some point it's going to go down hill, just like EQ did. In the meantime, I'll see you in the Outland.
posted by: Zero @ 11:04 AM
Wednesday, January 17
Things about my job that I'm not going to miss
I had written this post for last week, when sickness struck me more brain dead than usual. So here it is, a lament for the death of a short lived career in government bids...
This Monday, I put in my two weeks notice at my dead end job. It was nice while it lasted, but it was time for me to officially start my new life as a puppeteer. I'll still be working a part time job at a previous employer (until I start making that big time puppeteer salary), as an assistant to a friend of the family who is in the lighting sales business. It's going to afford me a great deal of flexibility, and help me transition financially between careers.
But for now I'm counting down the days of my current job, of which I have a long list of pet peeves about. I'd like to think that it's not an uncommon list of gripes, as it's a typical office environment that some of us have encountered in our lives at some point. A lot of my experience here has inspired a few of the ideas I had for the comic strip that I've been teasing you all with (perhaps I'll finally continue it with all the free time I'll be having). So much that occurred at this workplace felt so alien to me. I hadn't worked in a regular office before. The closest thing had been reception at a doctor's office. I started to identify with the movie "Office Space" and the TV show "The Office", as I realized that these comic portrayals were quite close to the truth. Which kind of scared me. I'm glad to have had this experience, but six months was plenty enough for me.
I won't be missing the building I work in, or the beat up industrial park that it's in, which has caused me to have suspension work done on my car. I won't miss the trains that go by behind us that shakes my desk a few times a day. I will miss a few of the people. I've developed a few friendships while I've been here, and I hope to stay in touch. A few others are nice people, but the rest of them are insane retarded baboons. I suppose thats the quality of employee one gets when the job is advertised as "Get paid to surf the net!" (What that actually means is that we scour the internet for government contracts and resell that info to clients who want to bid on said contracts). But everyone is a slacker, and ironically, most of the employees do get paid to "surf the net". It's a boring job, and even though most of my co-workers are good people, the monotony leads to a lot of eavesdropping, gossiping, and backstabbing. I learned hard and quick who I could and couldn't trust, and ended up keeping to myself so I wouldn't get caught up in their little melodramas.
I wish I was the kind of person who wasn't judgmental and had the patience of a saint. But I'm not. People get under my skin, especially ones who chew loudly all the time or talk on their cell phone all day. The kind of people who stick their nose into other peoples conversations or need their hand held through every single difficult problem. Or the ones who burst out with phantom laughter while listening to something on their headphones, or make bird noises when they're bored. Bird noises! That's just not right!
Oh, and did I forget to mention that my insane ex girlfriend from High School works here? She hasn't changed one bit. Even though we only dated for less than a month, she insisted on telling everyone in the office all about it.
No, I won't be missing much. Well, maybe the paychecks.
posted by: Zung @ 8:27 PM
Monday, January 15
MLK redux:
Perhaps you had today off. I didn't. but I still feel that this day is to be set aside to remember Martin Luther King Jr.
I think Bono said it best:
"Pride (In The Name Of Love)"
One man come in the name of love
One man come and go
One man come, he to justify
One man to overthrow
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
One man caught on a barbed wire fence
One man he resist
One man washed on an empty beach.
One man betrayed with a kiss
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
(nobody like you...)
Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love...
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:41 PM
Friday, January 12
Zero's Friday Five
There are five things that I want you to do this weekend. You don't have to do them, but if you don't, God will probably kill a kitten. I'm just saying. Regardless, let me say that this week's Friday Five comes with a pretty please and a cherry on top (with chocolate/rainbow sprinkles for those with needs & girls who show me their boobs).
1. Play Zero's Forum Games - I would like to bring all of Zero's Forum Games into the year 2007. All I need you handsome men and beautiful ladies to do is post once in each thread (according to the rules, please). Don't know or remember how to play a certain game? No problem! The rules for each are presented in the first post of each thread. Please help me make Zero's Forum Games the '07 hot spot on the TKOP.
2. Get Laid - I don't need to see it, and in most cases I don't really even want to hear about it. But, I firmly believe that if more people were getting some on a regular basis, there would be a great deal more joy in the world (and babies too, so be careful). There's no better time than the present to get yourself a piece of world peace. Knock some boots this weekend. You have the Zero seal of approval.
3. Tape Me! - I'm going to be bowling in a tournament on FOX this Sunday morning at 11am (or was it 10am??). I would really appreciate it if someone out there with a VCR, DVR, etc... would tape the show for me. I'd do it myself, but I don't own any of those things, and probably wouldn't know how to work them if I did. Seriously, if any of you could hook a guy up, I would greatly appreciate it.
4. Expand Your Digital Horizons - The Burning Crusade drops at 11pm on Monday. While not technically the weekend, you'll wish it was when you stay up well into Tuesday morning with your new best friend Blood Elf and Blue Squid Looking Guy. But, yeah... I'll be rocking the midnight madness, and it would be cool to see a few of you WoW addicts there with me.
5. Tell Someone You Love Them - Someone out there loves you very much, and probably misses you. Let them know you miss them too. And then maybe, just maybe, they won't put their head in the oven. This could also tie into #2, which was kind of a joke (as is this one). But, #1, 3, and 4 are for reals. Thank you for your understanding. You have our gwatitwude!!!
posted by: Zero @ 2:45 PM
Monday, January 8
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Roll him for change.
Change is good, but it's not always easy.
So, how are we doing on those New Years Resolutions, kids? Perhaps there is a week or so left in your momentum. I didn't make a resolution this year myself... (Not even that immediate failure "I'm not making a resolution" kind.) But I have noticed that pretty much? Nothing has really changed.
So, Anyway, here it is Monday, the day that I am supposed to blog and... Well, honestly I gots nothing. I'm dryer than Zeroes titties. Perhaps the weather has gotten to me and I'm just all set for spring break.
The weathermen have to frigging hate the weather right now. I mean... How can you report the weather patterns at the end of the world, despite what our government has been claiming year after year.
Speaking of that, the quote I heard today is:
"Any 20 year-old who isn't a liberal doesn't have a heart, and any 40 year-old who isn't a conservative doesn't have a brain." Unknown (often attributed to Winston Churchill)
So, the word of the week is: Curmudgeon. Discuss.
; )
posted by: Skeeve @ 8:53 PM
Friday, January 5
Zero's Friday Five
It's 2007, by golly. My 10 year HS reunion is over, my college days behind. Hell, I've been a working stiff for the last 4-5 years now. But, there's something about 2007 that says to me, "Zero, big changes are in store for you." Yup. I heard 2007 talk. That is that last time I smoke a joint after dipping it in bleach.
Anyway, this week I offer you a short Friday Five. Some things to think about at this, the beginning of a new year.
1. Are You Happy In Your Job? - If not, now is as good a time as any to get that resume together, get those want ads, and start looking around for something you can do to earn money that doesn't make you feel like stepped-on crap at the end of the day. I've been peeking around for a little while already, and let me tell you: It bothers me that I keep coming back to gay porn star. Ghost isn't happy about that either.
2. Are You Happy With Your Weight? - One of the most popular new year resolutions is weight loss. People obsess over this kind of thing. But, allow me to offer you this piece of advice: Unless it is affecting your health or completely crushes your self-esteem, get over it. Making a new year's resolution to lose weight isn't going to work for you and when you fail, you'll only be more upset with yourself. Instead, just be happy with how you look and stop comparing yourself to anorexic models, teenaged starvation whores, and guys who can't read because they spend all day in the gym. You're fine the way you are. Move on.
3. Anything You Want? - Stop making excuses and go get it. For example, I've been talking about getting myself a talking dog that can cook and will happily have dinner waiting for me when I get home from work. Today, I'm going to stop talking about it, and go out and buy one. Target has them on sale.
4. Someone Been Pissing You Off? - Kill them.
5. When Is The Next TKOP Meet? - We don't hang out enough. I heard the former sysOp of Transfer Station Blue talking to someone the other day that he thinks TKOP is just a charade, and we just pretend to get along for the sake of maintaining the longest running BBS in history. Well, that's BS! We'll prove him wrong, and then we'll leave a flaming bag of poo on his doorstep to cement the deal.
Viva la TKOP!
posted by: Zero @ 12:31 PM
Wednesday, January 3
Hmmm? What?
Wednesday is my blog night, and it so happens to be recyclable night where I live. I forget to take care of both of these things. Often. If ignorance is bliss, then forgetfulness is only fleeting bliss, because happiness is torn in two when the thought of a forgotten thing resurfaces in the mind. Past due payments, unreturned phone calls, unfinished homework, cats left out in the cold...
Ok, I'm back. Had to let the cat in.
The world is too full of stuff, and my head can only hold so much. I can rarely think of more than one thing at a time. I can't imagine how poor my mind will function when I actually get old and wrinkly. Sometimes I forget about things entirely, only to rediscover a fact all over again for the first time. That much I enjoy, the rare occasion that it is. To be able to relive the excitement over some piece of information, and then to realize that I already knew it. I feel like I'm cheating life out of extra turns.
Don't even get me started on Deja Vu. I get that shit all the time. Deja Vu would be a great power if the ability to predict the future didn't happen simultaneously to the actual event. It's more like, predicting the present.
Anyhow, I forgot the whole point of this blog. Go figure, eh? So go on, enjoy the TKOP or whatever it is you do, with your fully functional memories. Lucky bastards.
posted by: Zung @ 10:24 PM
Monday, January 1
Happy New Beer!
Hopefully everyone had a great NYE, but now it's time to repent! That's right, give up your sins and become the better person you always wanted to be. for a few weeks at least, until you snap, and go back to being the fat, lazy, chain-smoking moron you are.
After extensive research and polling of independant parties, we bring you the top resolutions of 2007.
1. Lose weight. A perennial favorite. Pants too tight? Belt on it's last eye? Well, time to shed some pounds. For the most part this is never attempted in a reasonable logical manner.. Extreme measures are usually employed with things like fasting, buying the most expensive home exersize gym off QVC (Usually called a clothes rack in a month) Yeah, good luck.
2. Get a better Job. Most of this has to do with manting to make more money, ya greedy bastard. Just admit it. It's not like the job you have is really that bad, I mean admit it, you'll be sick to death of the new job in a week or tow and looking to move on again after that.
3. Quit Smoking. More addictive than Heroin. Patches don't really help. Nor does the gum. New research says that the best way to go is cold turkey. What better way to spend the stressful winter but giving up a comforting habit. At least with the gum you don't smell like an ashtray.
4. Learn *. Like learning to play the guitar... Or speaking spanish... Or Learning to sell your shit on ebay is really going to improve your life. Doing these things isn't really going to give you a personality. All you'll really achive is having a guitar, and some books and stuff to sell on ebay later.
5. Spend more time with your family. Yeah, that's what the holidays are for. Wait till next year.
6. Spend more time on TKOP. Ah, the most noble of all the resolutions. And you know... You should totally share this new goal with your friends, too!
posted by: Skeeve @ 7:48 PM
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