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Friday, December 29
Zero's Friday Five
Zero's Friday Five c'est mort. Viva la Zero's Friday Five! This week: My top 5 ways to ring in the new year, 2007.
1. Give Zero Money - It'll make you feel good. It'll make me feel good. And no one has to go to jail.
2. Threeway w/ Zero & Ghost - Oh sure, I haven't gotten the approval yet, but what could be better than swapping dirty fluids with the sexiest couple on TKOP?*
3. Take a Photo of Zung Having a Dump - Honestly, after that, things can only get better.
4. Threeway w/ Skeeve & Bliss - Again, I haven't gotten the approval yet, but what could be better than swapping dirty fluids with the naughtiest couple on TKOP?**
5. Give Wushu a Sandwich - Word has it, that his favorite is toasted peanut butter and banana on rye.***
* Matter of extremely biased opinion.
** Matter of extremely well-documented fact. Just ask Wildfire.
*** I made that up after dreaming that I went to a TKOP costume party and Wushu went as Elvis... when the frig are we going to have another effing TKOP party?
Happy New Year, B***hes! I love each and every one of you. Except Zung. He's smelly.
posted by: Zero @ 12:27 AM
Wednesday, December 27
Jolly late night entry
My apologies to my fellow TKOPers, I've been quite absent from the board lately. Life has been, well, hectic. And fuzzy. When I get some pictures taken of my puppets I'll be sure to post them, maybe even have a TKOP puppet show sometime in the near future.
So... how about that weather huh? It's like springtime here in New York, except without all the road construction. People are wearing short sleeves, riding motorcycles, and getting pooped on by really confused birds. I believe this is the first time it's rained on Christmas since the cabbage patch doll fist fights made God cry. Although it's nice not to have to shovel snow before we open gifts, eh? Global Warming has to be good for something, right? But they say the north pole will be nothing but water in 30 years. Santa Claus is a little worried, especially about his Reindeer. He says that he was going to look to FEMA to help, but ever since they fired Michael Brown, they lost a lot of good equestrian experience.
I don't understand why some people don't like Christmas. It actually gets people depressed. But I like Christmas, I really do. It's the other 364 days a year I expect presents from people that are depressing. I mean to go through day after day, and not even a card.
This year everyone wanted the new video game systems, but they were really hard to get. It's really sad. Children everywhere were forced to socialize with their family on Christmas morning. As I've gotten older, I've found myself wanting the important things in life for Christmas. Like Underwear. Underwear is very underrated as a gift that keeps on giving. I never thought I'd actually want underwear for Xmas. Children hate getting underwear instead of toys. But I found a solution for that. You hide all of their underwear a week before Xmas. The first day they might think its fun, but once they've got denim burns on their ass, they'll be crying to revise their list to Santa.
But lets not forget the true meaning of Christmas. Gift cards to Chilis Restaurant. I want my baby Jesus baby Jesus. I want my baby Jesus baby Jesus.
Hope you all had a nice big ole Christian holiday, and/or Chanukah/Solstice/Kwanza. See you in the New Year!
posted by: Zung @ 11:59 PM
Friday, December 22
Zero's Friday Five
Sometimes, I have nothing better to do than make lists; lists with five things on them. This is one of those times. As I sit here, at work, with barely a thing to do because I'm just efficient enough to have done everything already, I ponder: Would I be fired for jumping up on my desk and tearing the speaker mounted in my ceiling out, crushing it on the floor and thus, ending it's sickening spew of craptastic Christmas music? Three weeks, and nothing but Billy Gilman singing Jingle Bells while (and this much I assume) his exploitive parents hold a gun to his head and demand he make them more money. Let's not also discount the torture of listening to Darlene Love sing White Christmas with so much vibrato, you'd be sure she was either orgasming through the entire song, or hooked up for some Electro-Shock during the recording. There's so many more. In fact, it all spins me into a realm of pissed off that I'm not comfortable staying around in. Strange, that an over abundance of holiday tunes can actually suck the holiday mood right out of you. If Santa Claus is real, I'm going to strangle him to death when he slides down my chimney. Let's see someone write a cheery song about that, eh Billy Gilman?!
Anywho, this week's Friday Five has nothing to do with the holidays. I just needed to vent. No, this week's Friday Five is a simple, simple list of some good music that would easily beat this awful Holiday garbage into submission with it's bare hands. The albums on the following list have all met with Zero's Friday Five rigorous inspection and approval machine. They're so good, I want to put them down my pants.
1. "Dreams" by: The Whitest Boy Alive - subdued electronic indie tunes that is all at once Shins, Devo, and Flaming Lips. Sort of.
2. "Broom" by: Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - bonus points for having the strangest band name ever. Weezer-like harmonies with a flavor all it's own. Tastes like drunken soviet presidents.
3. "Robbers & Cowards" by: Cold War Kids - I thought not to include this on the list, because I honestly can't stand a few of the songs on it. Cold War Kids is a band that, when they're good, they're really good, and when they're bad, you'll be reaching for the skip button like your junk was on fire. Their best tunes sound like stripped down funk with a sprinkle of Ben Folds.
4. "Citrus" by Asobi Seksu - This is what happens when you listen to nothing but My Bloody Valentine records for a month, and then write your own songs using every guitar effect you can find all at once. It's a nasty sounding but strangely hypnotic album. Took me a few listens to really get into it, but now it's an iPod must.
5. "No Guts, No Glory" by: Die Happy - Die Happy always makes the list when the Friday Five ventures into music territory. They put out more albums than Prince in his heyday, and you can only import them, but they're so worth it. To bring you up to speed, Die Happy's first album was pop-infused speed metal following the likes of that other German band of awesome, the Guano Apes. But, from there, they went much more pop and much less metal for 2 follow-up albums. Recent releases have them back at their hard-hitting best, and this one is no exception. Even if they do throw on a couple ballads for the lovelorn kiddies.
Now, turn off the damn Christmas music and get yourself some real tunes!... and have a Merry and safe holiday, and new year. I'll see you once more before 2007. So, make sure you have your affairs in order. Next week's Five will bring us the best of 2006. :)
posted by: Zero @ 9:42 AM
Monday, December 18
Hey kids! Guess what time it is!
That's right! It's lame tkop comic day! This week featuring Ace (Not Diamonds), and Hobbes Esq! (As well as the usual suspects, Skeeve and Bliss!
(Also featured, of course it TTE, and Skeeve's new BloodElf.)
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:16 PM
Friday, December 15
Zero's Friday Five
This week, I'm going to share with you some lesser known holiday traditions with info that I've dug up around the internet. It's not all trees, and stockings and fat guys in red suits pulling a B&E down your chimney to leave you gifts and whatnot. Nope. There's more out there, and it's my pleasure to bring you my top five.
1. Pennsylvania's Moravian population embrace Christmas with a "Love-Fest." These are musical services in which the congregation partakes of simple food while the choir sings appropriate hymns and anthems. Usually, the congregation must be served sweet buns and coffee in the time it takes to sing three hymns. Candles are distributed, made of beeswax (for until the 15th century, it was believed bees were made in Paradise), and as the final anthem is sung, all raise their lighted candles to "Praise to Our Heavenly King." Personally, I would've thought a "Love-Fest" was something entirely different. As it is, my idea and the Moravian tradition do share one thing in common: sticky buns.
2. December 28 marks a day of celebration exclusively Spanish called the Day of the Innocents. Although the roots of this day are bloody (it is The anniversary of the murder of many children committed by Herod in Judea), in modern times, the customs practiced on this day are very jovial and fun. Many foreigners who are in Spain become very confused as absurd or incredible news appears in the papers, municipal governments stage baffling practical jokes on their citizens, and friends and acquaintances cannot be trusted for their word. Sounds like every meeting of Congress for the last... I dunno... 24 years?
3. This is curious Christmas variation I found from the Netherlands: St. Nicholas (Sinter klaas), who is dressed in red Bishop's robes, arrives either on a white horse or in some areas in a boat from Spain and gives gifts to children on December 6th. Black Peter (Sarte Piet) accompanies him. Black Peter carries a birch rod to punish those children who have been bad in the past year. The children leave their wooden shoes filled with hay and a carrot in anticipation of St. Nicholas. If they have been good they will find small toys, nuts and candy in their shoes. Sometimes St. Nicholas will visit the house and will question the children on how they behaved in the past year. Now, as parents, how do you pull that one off? And how do you decide who's going to play Black Peter, and beat the hell out of your worst kid? Curious, indeed.
4. In Latvia the Christmas celebration is know as Ziemassvetki or winter festival. The festival is a direct descendent of ancient winter solstice celebrations. A central element to Ziemassvetki is the log burning which involves groups of people dragging a log around the house during the day, burning the log all night singing ritual songs and drinking beer. So, it's sort of like driving to a football game, and tailgaiting... only, you never leave the house.
5. One prominent tradition embraced by the Mestizo group in Belize involves a ten-day procession commemorating Mary and Joseph's search for lodgings before Jesus' birth. During this ritual called Las Posadas, statues of Joseph and Mary are carried to different houses where they ask for and are granted food and shelter for the evening. Participants pray together after the statues have refreshed themselves. The ceremony is repeated at a different home each night until Christmas Eve, when Joseph and Mary make their way back to the church for the Dance of the Pastores, a performance symbolizing the shepherds bringing gifts to Jesus after his birth. How big are these statues? Who carries them? And how exactly do they refresh themselves? I couldn't figure that out.
Happy Holidays, Everyone!
posted by: Zero @ 4:23 PM
Monday, December 11
Boneless SantaClaus?
I was going to try to do another photo funny this week, due to the reactions that we got from last weeks blog, but I didn't bring home my MacbookPro, so, sadly you're all SOL. (At least for this week. I've been forced to swear a blood oath that more of these travesties will be following.)
So, what I'll blog about today are the boneless Santas.
The blow up lawn ornaments have really gone too far. In my estimation they are the worst of the "low brow" junk art forms. They're bad enough at night, but they're even worse in the morning. Deflated husks of thier former gaudy selves they sit on my neighbors lawn looking for all the world like mis-used alien abductions. All used up for the night, thier fun all deflated they rest like the misshapen creatures of "boneless chicken wing" farms. Greasy and flat.
Now, a quick proviso... If you do not have a lawn? YOU DO NOT NEED $*$&# LAWN ORNAMENTS! One house in my travels has a postage sized front yard and too many gift certificates at WAL*MART... One of the geniuses that live there decided that even though they have no front lawn they should buy a mess of these (Emphasis on "mess") and strap them to thier tiny little porch roof. When these deflate I imagine you can sit on the porch and use them as curtains so you can still drink your coffee in your Nascar jammies and your Skoal robe.
So, think twice before you bring one of these creatures home. They tend to make the neighbors think you're just really too lazy to put up a creative and individualized holiday display.
Blessed be.
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:00 PM
Friday, December 8
Zero's Friday Five
It's Holiday time, as I'm sure you are aware, and in an effort to make the Five more universally friendly, I've decided to teach myself how to wish people a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" in as many languages as possible. So, what I did was this: I logged on to Babelfish, input the phrase and chose the language I wanted to say it in. Then, just to make sure the translation wasn't garbage, I translated it back into English. The following are my top 5 most hilarious babelfish mistakes...
1. Italian - "Been born them allegro and new happy year!"
2. Japanese - "Delightful Christmas and opening, you question with the"
3. Korean - "Good khu li su E su and 1 thing good year"
Now, would you believe babelfish had the audacity to not offer a hilarious translation in any other available language! I know! I was flabberghasted! But then, I remembered that this time of year isn't just about Christmas... duh! So, what if I want to wish someone a "Happy Holidays!", you know... keep it nice and simple and religion-based-holiday free?
4. Korean - "The holiday when it is happy"
5. Greek - "Eytyhej's interruptions"
And there you have it! So, Delightful Christmas and opening, you question with the Eytyhej's interruptions to you!
posted by: Zero @ 7:02 AM
Wednesday, December 6
An Inconvenient Post
Yesterday, An Inconvenient Truth came out on DVD. You can purchase it at Amazon for about 18 dollars, rent it from your favorite video store or order it from Netflix like I did.
If you're considering having children, this film may talk you out of it, as it paints a possible bleak future for future generations. I had heard this film is sobering and that it can scare you. This much is true. I highly recommend watching it, and passing on that recommendation to others.
I've always considered myself an environmentalist ever since I was 14 and realized I didn't believe in a god damn thing. Keeping the world around us healthy and safe seemed to be paramount to any other cause I could think of at the time, and not much has changed.
Check out climatecrisis.net for a bunch of great info.
posted by: Zung @ 10:07 PM
Monday, December 4
Mooonday!
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:32 PM
Friday, December 1
Zero's Friday Five
It's hard coming up with the Friday Five each week. I may have repeated some ideas from time to time, but I've never republished an actual post. I wouldn't do that to you guys. Still, this stuff is hard. So, when I'm struggling to come up with an idea, and my deadline is looming, I make myself feel better by picturing things that are more difficult than writing the perfect Friday Five (and they are perfect, aren't they?). Here are some of the things I've considered:
1. Draft Dodging - I don't have any experience with it directly, but the paranoid American in me is pretty convinced that I'll be able to get plenty of practice just prior to a stint in Leavenworth. Back during the Vietnam thing, you heard all about people who would flee to Canada, or intentionally throw themselves off of rooftops or out of tall trees in the hope of breaking some bones, or knocking up their girlfriends, or anything else they could think of to avoid picking up a gun and shipping off to bring democracy to our good friend Charlie. Do they have a regular, everyday name for the insurgents and/or terrorists we're fighting these days in Iraq, Afghanistan, and coming soon to a North Korea, Iran, and Syria near you? Can we call them Todd? I mean, nobody likes Todd. Todd's a friggin' douchebag. I digress.
2. Convincing Ghost to "Rock The Shocker" - Seriously. It's like pulling teeth with a spork. *Sigh*
3. Winning The Lotto - The odds just aren't in your favor. Think about it. Do you know anyone who won the Lotto? I mean really won the Lotto, not some dingleberry that scratched off some ticket for a few thousand dollars. I bet if you do know someone like that you either A) aren't friends with that person, B) never got any portion of their winnings or even a nice gift from them, and C) thought about pretending to be gay because that much money makes you so horny that you'll stick your stuff in anything to get your mits on that sweet, sweet green. Well, I'm here to tell you kids that doesn't work. You'll just feel really ashamed the next day, and you'll be lucky to get cab fare out of the guy. Men are such dillholes.
4. Becoming A Prophet - I don't know how David Koresh or Jim Jones pulled it off quite frankly. But, to have grown people hang on your every word, do anything you ask of them, and throw the virginity of their teenage daughters at you en mass, well... that's just an awesome job description. Completely worth an untimely death by poison and/or fire. In a way, it's sort of cool; capping off all that underaged booty you've been hitting with a frosty glass of kool-aid. Let's see Al-Qaeda top that with their 72 virgins. Do the virgins' parents do your laundry and cook for you? Is there kool-aid? I don't think so.
5. Outrunning The Police - If you thought you could blaze by a speed trap at 100mph, and outrun the cops to avoid your well-earned ticket, you'd be wrong. Especially if you drive a Honda Element. Hell, I can't even believe you got that thing to go 100mph in the first place, but staying ahead of a fleet of police cars? Please. Skeeve would have just as much luck in the Bliss-Mobile. My advice: After you give up on the long high speed chase, or after they just catch you, leap out of the car as fast as possible, rip off your clothes and start verbally threatening to "Dip-see-doodle" their "tushy-strudel". Then, fall on the ground and start eating dirt. It's a little juvenile, and you'll feel really silly. But, I swear it works almost 0.00001% of the time. Trust me. The Friday Five would never steer you wrong.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I get one phone call. ;)
posted by: Zero @ 9:03 AM
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