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Friday, September 29
Zero's Friday Five
Skeeve recently reminded us that his marriage to the one and only Bliss is nearly 2 years old. If you ask me, I think he just made the post as a way of reminding himself to save the date, get the gift, and don't screw up like he did last year when he spent their entire anniversary over at Zung's house playing Tummy-Sticks.
My own wedding anniversary is coming up, 3 years in my case... and of course, our own huggably soft and aforementioned Zung was only recently married, himself. That's not to say that he married himself, though that would be weird and quite in keeping with his rather avant-garde lifestyle.
Anyway, my point is this: When you get married, you basically earn yourself an extra holiday: The Anniversary. There are gift exchanges and weekend getaways, romantic dinners and oodles upon oodles of nookie... and not the bad kind of nookie where you leave the TV on in the background so it'll last longer, either. This is the good stuff.
Now, presuming your marriage is life long, as the vows you took suggest, that's an awful lot of pressure put on you every year to come up with a unique and thoughtful way to celebrate the day you tied the knot. You can't just sit around the house until dinner time and go out to your favorite eatery and call it a day, can you? Well, maybe you can, but it's just not classy enough for the Zero. So, I'd like to present my top 5 ideas how you should celebrate your anniversary.
1. Strippers - You knew I was going to say it, so I figured I would get it out of the way immediately. Strippers are a great way of saying, "We still love each other but, sometimes we need to shove a dollar or two down the underwear of someone more attractive than us." It's also great nostalgia, because one or both of you probably had sex with one of these fine entertainers the night before you were wed. See? It works on many levels.
2. Cave Diving - No, I mean that literally. Perverts. Anniversaries are a perfect time to add a little adventure back into your marriage, not that it might be lacking in that department. But, if you think about it, anniversaries are much like celebrating New Year's Day for your marriage, so make a resolution and go climb into some rocky abyss in search of peril, gold and Fraggles. Skydiving, Rock Climbing, Bank Robbery, and entering yourself on American Gladiators are also great alternatives that fit this theme.
3. Do NOT Buy A Pet - Okay, so this sort of doesn't fit the list because it's a "What NOT to do" thing, but it's needs to be said. You cannot and must not say "I Love You" by handing your soulmate a living, breathing tragedy. It'll become a symbol of your undying love for your mate and then it'll die, and probably take your marriage with it. Maybe that's paranoid, or baseless, or whatever... at least do me this favor: don't dress your pets like they're people. It's disturbing. Especially if you have kids and refer to the pet has your child's brother or sister. Seriously. You people need therapy.
4. Get Divorced - I'm not kidding. Wasn't the day of your wedding one of the most glorious of all your days? At the very least, you ended up with a crapload of cash and gifts. Wouldn't you love to do it all over again? Well, you can't! You're married! So, get divorced and free yourself up to feel good again.
5. Free Sex Day - Remember a while ago when I suggested that all couples have their free celebrity sex list, where you can pick up to five celebs that you can have sex with behind your partner's back and they can't consider it cheating? Well, this is like that, except you get the entire day to have sex with anyone you want. This should not be done by idiots, especially men who complain that they "can't feel anything" if they wear condoms. Otherwise, this time next year you'll be celebrating the anniversary of the day you discovered golf ball sized warts on your fun zone. And that's the gift that keeps on giving all year 'round.
You are now free to swoon all over the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 4:06 PM
Tuesday, September 26
I draw good
I was totally going to put some sketches up tonight, of ideas I have for the strip. I have some nice stuff drawn with pencil, but I have no scanner. So I tried to redraw it with my mouse. As I held the mouse, I was reminded of my childhood, when I would hold an entire crayon with my fist. The mouse drawings didn't come out any better.
I'm so going to buy myself one of those tablet drawing things.
posted by: Zung @ 7:39 PM
Friday, September 22
Zero's Friday Five
This week, I want to know some random stuff about you. In fact, as it happens, I have five questions for you. It's kind of a theme of mine, you know. Five. It's a nice number. It's psychologically soothing. You should be in a goddamned serene state right now! Now, answer my effing questions. I love you.
1. Describe Your Ideal Friday Night Activity - Mine involves leaving the house, going with my wife to our favorite restaurant for a nice dinner out, then meeting up with friends at any random pub, bar, or club (or even just inviting them back over to my place if there's a fight or game on... HD, baby!) to blow off the remaining steam built up during a week of thankless, mind numbing work. That'd be pretty nice. Maybe stir in some random hooker sightings. It just wouldn't be the Friday Five without mentioning hookers.
2. What Song(s) Remind You of The Person You Love The Most? - Mint Car by: The Cure would be my answer.
3. Where Do You Read The Friday Five? - I don't read it. I write it. Duh.
4. If You Were a Fruit or Vegetable, What Would You Be? - I'm going to have to say I would be broccoli or Rip Taylor. :)
5. What Would You Do If You Saw Zung, On Fire and Naked, Running Down Your Street? - It's a toss up, really. I'd either try to help him by tackling him and trying to put out the flames, or I'd just run and get my camera, take some pictures, and post them on TKOP in another edition of the Friday Five entitled "The Five Strangest Things I've Ever Seen".
Alright, now you go! Answer these questions in the "Zero's Friday Five" thread of the Main Forum. Forums are free and the people here don't bite. So, if you haven't joined yet, you really should. If you don't, I'll strip you naked and light you on fire. Oh yeah, it's the theme of the day.
Giddy up!
posted by: Zero @ 9:28 AM
Wednesday, September 20
Seeing Stars
Last Saturday, I was wed. It was a beautiful ceremony and a hell of a good time at the party afterwards. Skeeve, Ace (not diamonds), & Eyeball did a wonderful job being there for me, and helping make it a special day. Thanks guys.
Mrs. Zung & I now find ourselves in Maine for our honeymoon, and what a incredible place it is. The first night here, we had champange on the back deck of our "rustic" cottage on the lake, and saw more stars in the sky than either of us ever had seen before. I think that sums up our whole experience so far. So much of everything about ourselves feels new. I'm trying to do some honeymoon updates over at my livejournal. You can find me by the screen name "sweetwildandmad", if your interested in more details.
And of course I brought my laptop with me! In case you're wondering, I managed to find a sliver of a wifi connection here in the cottage. It must be coming from the giant house next to us, and of course the router is unsecured. Yay for backwoods internet security!
Take care all! See you around the forums next week.
Love Zung
posted by: Zung @ 12:19 PM
Monday, September 18
Short and Sweet
This can be used to describe oh so many things in my life.
But tonight I'll focus on my best man speech the other night at Zung's wedding. It was a beautiful day, a perfect day to get married. It was a great location...
And the bride and groom were perfect.
So, lest this online version extend longer than the in person one, thank you again for including us in your special day. May your marriage shine as brightly as you both shined that afternoon.
Best Man (retired)
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:34 PM
Friday, September 15
Zero's Friday Five
So, I've been playing quite a bit of Test Drive Unlimited these days. Despite its somewhat fugly controls (which can be adjusted to much less fugly status in the options menu), it's a pretty damn good time. The game has plenty of different challenges, a constant online mode (like an MMO) where many of the other drivers on the road are other players. Want to race them? Flash your headlights at them and if they accept, you'll instantly be in a race. Simple! There's a lot of customization options too, from what you wear, to how your car performs, and where you live (you need a place to live with a garage to store all your vehicles). It's not the best game ever by far, but it's a lot of fun and has some interesting new gameplay designs that I don't think I've ever seen before in a racing game...
...But, the soundtrack SUCKS.
And that brings me to my Friday Five. If you're going to make a game about driving, or if you're just going to go for a drive in real life, you need some good tunes. You can't have generic video game music, the most trite classical music ever (William Tell, Flight of The Valkyrie, etc.), or "Metal" as performed by some garage band that apparently normally plays quiet emo college radio trash (which I actually like, but not for driving). So, I've a couple suggestions to jazz up your driving experience, virtual and otherwise. My Top Five Driving Albums.
1. Ministry - The Land Of Rape and Honey: Fast, heavy, and merciless. Highway driving at its most dangerous. Simply press play, and get in touch with your inner road rage. You'll be up to 100mph in the slow lane before you know it, other drivers be damned.
2. Tom Waits - Mule Variations: Sometimes he's fun, other times he's straight up strange, but Tom Waits will get you where you need to go, and you'll have a good time doing it. Whether you prefer the psychedelic "Big In Japan", the bluesy "Cold Water" or the mellow melancholy of "The House Where Nobody Lives", you'll end up at your destination with a kick in your step and a gravelly voiced tune in your head. Not bad for an afternoon drive.
3. Oingo Boingo - Dead Man's Party: Circus music for punks, them Boingoloids. You can't listen to this album and not smile... unless you hate it, in which case you're a total jerk and you deserve to get wrapped around a tree. "Weird Science" and "No One Lives Forever" are perfect driving tunes. No argument allowed.
4. Stevie Wonder - Songs In The Key Of Life: No explanation necessary. Get it. Rock it. End of story.
5. William Hung - Hung For The Holidays: You guys remember Willie Hung, don't you? The reject from American Idol who rose to something resembling fame as a punchline? Well, I insist that his Christmas album, "Hung For The Holidays" is perfect driving music. Play it loud and tell yourself that you're not allowed to change it or turn it down for any reason. If your only escape from slurry, tone deaf versions of bad holiday carols is getting where you're going, you'll get there faster than ever before. Either that or you'll have a psychotic episode and drive off of a bridge.
You are now free to make me a mix of your favorite driving songs.
posted by: Zero @ 9:18 AM
Monday, September 11
Whats in a name
I had some ideas for blogs today. I had all the best intentions of putting down some fun nonsense... But that got derailed around exit 14...
I never knew Joseph Longobardo... I knew his type... For years and years... I used to be a school crossing guard and I met alot of state troopers and local law enforcement.
The turn out was phenominal. Watching cruiser after cruiser pile into Ext 14 this morning went beyond amazing. The outpouring of these servants to him and his family was tremendous. They were coming from all over the state, and some from out of country. There were cruisers from small towns representing as well as a few charter busses from downstate.
There were all kinds of vehicles... From motorcycles to prowlers, cruisers to SUV's. The only things I didn't see were horses and bicycles.
They still had officers on the road for the 5th annaversary of 9/11... But... That paled compared to the turn out for the sevices for a slain officer.
More here and here.
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:55 AM
Friday, September 8
Zero's Friday Five
What happened to our wonderfully revitalized front page? Where did the love go? On second thought, where did the Zung go? I've got a few ideas... Five of them, to be exact.
1. Vegas, Baby! - Zung couldn't wait to get married. So, he took off for Vegas. Problem is, when he got there, he discovered he forgot something very important: his fiancee! So, he had to fly back home, where he was beaten upside the head with a frying pan until he apologized for being forgetful and impulsive, and bled enough to satisfy his enraged sigoth. This is not to paint the future Mrs. Zung in a bad light, I want to mention. We love her, she is all class and wonder. But, ladies, wouldn't you be a slight pissed if your man ran off to get married without you? C'mon!
2. My Ass - I've been backed up for days. Maybe there's a Zung stuck up there. Maybe he's decorating my colon with some lovely Zung art. Maybe this is the most disgusting thing I've ever written.
3. Skeeve Killed Him* - In a fit of jealousy, King Skeeve (who is not a King, but more like a groovy guitar playing mayoral type) murdered Zung for having 2 blogs as opposed to his 1. I mean, what kind of nonsense is that when a lowly citizen of the kingdom can rise up and gather the affection of the people so much that his blog becomes legendary?
*This Message Brought To You By Zero's Crescent Fresh Game Forums and Friday Five. Forum Games and The Five: Your Brain Will Thank You For It!!
4. It's Worse Than That, He's Dead Jim! - Zung went to a Star Trek Convention with Muddseye where they discovered a guy dressed up like a Vulcan had brought a lifesize model of the Enterprise D's transporter room to show off. Mudds, being an avid fan and an expert in Transporter Operations, had Zung stand on the pillar while he fiddled with the controls and wouldn't you know? The damn thing actually works. Zung ended up somewhere in the Gamma Quadrant and we may never see him again. Oh well. Farewell, Zung! Remember to boldly go where no one has gone before!
5. Flavor of Love - Now, far be it from me to watch reality TV, but I heard a rumor that our Zung joined the cast of contestants on the new season of Flavor of Love. This is where lovely young ladies (and Zung) compete for the affection of one Flava Flav. Good luck, Zung. He's a real keeper.
You are now free to sing 911's a Joke all around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 10:34 AM
Tuesday, September 5
Laborday, Schmaborday?
Ok, so... Today is Monday, there. I decree it.
Ok, so yeah, apparently my head wrapped yesterday in a "Wheee it's Sunday" wrapper and I completely spaced the fact that it was, in fact, Monday.
I guess the Bachellor Party for Zung made the weekend feel shortened...
Did we get him a stripper? Nooo. But I did get him Jenna Jameson. She sat near him all night, just quietly taking in all the sites and sounds of Irish Car Bombs and lots of beer and pizza and wings.
We told embarassing stories about Zung. Like the time he went long... Or the time he helped Meffie move and Ace kept jamming his stick between his legs.
It's at turning points like this that you really evaluate your relationship with someone. How you look at them in a new light, and look back on the tenure of your friendship in a different light. Zung has come along way from the 16 year old kid I met in Thatcher park all those years ago.
In less than two weeks I get to stand up for my friend. Help him start a new chapter of his life... Thier lives, together.
Now I just have to write a damn speech.
With my track record I'll have it written Sunday.
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:10 AM
Friday, September 1
Zero's Friday Five
It's Labor Day weekend, which means this Friday Five is coming to you from somewhere far, far away. The kind of place one goes when one has an extended weekend from work, and isn't also sick with vomiting. Break out your grills, turn on the stereo, and enjoy yourselves, dammit. Because you won't have another reason to celebrate until Halloween. And they don't give you the day off for that one. Pigf$%#@#s. So, here you go. 5 things to brighten up your holiday weekend!
1. BaconCake - I think this should be a TKOP Labor Day tradition. Make it on Friday because you'll need a few days to recover.
2. Go Camming! - A really nerdy way to have a TKOP meet: by streaming webcam. All we need is a server and a way to upload and download #1.
3. Salad Shooter Fights - Screw water guns, we're blasting with romaine, suckas!
4. Porn - It wouldn't be a holiday (or a Friday Five) without the mention of porn. Try "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington (And Then Has Sex With It)" or "The American President (Can Give Himself Oral)" those are 2 of my favorites.
5. Bacon N' Slide - Roll out the slip and slide and cover it with all that bacon grease that you have sitting around after you made your baconcake. It lasts longer and it slipperier (is that a word?) than water. You'll save on utilities. What's not to like?!
You are now free to have a paid holiday from the TKOP.
Happy Labor Day, F$#%ers.
posted by: Zero @ 10:16 PM
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