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Friday, June 30
Zero's Friday Five
Well, we moved. Or, I should say we're moving. We're getting there. It's a lot of hard work. I wish we hired movers. I wish I had something to write about for this week's Friday Five. So, I'm gonna do what I always do when I can't think of anything to make a list out of. I'm going to talk about porn. Good, family-friendly, American porn.
No, wait. I have an idea. No porn for you.
This week's Friday Five will be the top five things not happening during Lippy's highly publicized visit to Troy.
1. Group Sex - Contrary to popular belief there is no naked, fondling TKOP meet. Not yet anyway.
2. Bank Robbery - Word has it that Lippy and Zung got together on MySpace about some banks they wanted to hit, as a means of raising the money to start the dog grooming business they always wanted (one where they do designer styles on canine genital fur). Alas, this was not true either.
3. Wrath Of Khan Re-Enactment - I'm pissed that this isn't happening. I was excited to play Uhura.
4. Pong Tournament - Again, pissed. I am the friggin' king of Pong. You can't step to this.... Punk.
5. Condom Tasting Party - I don't even understand this one. I'm just telling you what I'm told. Apparently, this is where a bunch of women get together, lick and taste different brands of condoms, decide which ones taste best, and then go to their parents' houses, punch their fathers in their balls and slap their moms with the condom of their choice. Let's just go ahead and say it... Women are friggin' crazy.
You are now free to visit the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 10:54 AM
Wednesday, June 28
I have joined the rat race.
But I can't complain, the cheese is good.
Last week I started my new job. The first really real job I've had in years. Previously I've been working on and off in a home office of a sales rep who also happens to be a friend of the family. But now that I have a college degree thingy and a wedding looming, I felt the need to go out and get a real job. You know, the kind with benefits, vacation time and interactions with coworkers who if you saw them in the street you'd run them over with your car.
Speaking of which, do you ever watch HBO's Deadwood? You know Al Swearengen's henchman Johnny? The stupid one? I work with someone like that. Except I can't call him a stupid c#%@$ucker and hit him with blunt objects. But I digress.
Where was I? Oh yeah, so I got a job. It's pretty good, I do work with a couple people who are cool, and the work isn't too bad. My boss is really nice and laid back, and people respect him. So far I like it, and I think I'll stay with it for awhile.
You see, I've never held onto a job for more than a year. It's not that I'm some sort of hobo or something, I just get bored and find good reasons to quit like going back to school, moving away or not making enough per hour. So now I'm facing the prospect of having to hold down a job for a long time and that scares me.
Which is why I'm already trying to make a plan of escape. I have a spoon and I'm starting to dig. I'll think I can tunnel to human resources by next summer. Then I'm going to ride the rails until I find a warm meal.
Until then, I'll amuse myself by renting the first season of "The Office" (The American version), and wonder why I don't have the balls to put my coworker's stapler into a jello mold.
posted by: Zung @ 7:44 PM
Monday, June 26
Cell Phone Blues:
After nearly getting hit more than once in bad weather today by morons on thier cellphones (Not even using hands free, mind you. Their shiney little phones all stuck to the side of thier heads with one hand off the wheel in a downpour. Where the hell is Darwin when I need him?) I'd like to bring you:
HOW TO USE YOUR CELLPHONE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN ASSHOLE
1. Do not use your cell phone while driving and cannot use a hands free alternative. If the conversation is especially involving, pull over even if you do have hands free. (No fighting with your SO while you drive, bad idea. I don't wanna have an accident with you because little Timmy got called into the principal's office today.)
2. Refrain from using the cell phone while on any form of public transportation. (ie. Bus, train, plane or anywhere someone else would be trapped listening to one side of a connversation for several miles. If you must do this, at least go on speakerphone so we can mess with you.)
3. When eating out do not use your cell phone at the table. Do not talk on your cell while in line at a store. Especially do not act like the waitstaff and clerks are secondary to your phone conversation. If it's that important, finish it outside, you selfish bastard.
4. Talk normally. There's no need to yell. If your surroundings are too loud maybe you shouldn't be using your phone.
5. If you have to say, "Can you hear me now?" five times - they can't. Hang up.
6. Do not interrupt a conversation with a real live person to answer your cell phone. (Transplant surgeons are exempt from this rule.)
7. Do not use your cell phone to talk to someone in the same room.
8. When out with coworkers or friends, constantly checking your phone for messages is annoying.
9. Text messaging while talking to another person is rude.
10. If your call gets dropped, wait a few minutes and get into a better coverage area before calling back. Don't frantically try calling me back NINE times in thirty seconds forcing me to listen to static. I don't like you that much.
11. If you see a number you don't recognize in your phone's missed call log, don't ring it at three AM saying, "Yo! I got a call from this number! You call me? Who's this?" That's pathetic.
12. Stick with one ring tone - you all know what I'm talking about.
13. Stopping abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk to answer your cell phone is moronic.
14. Put the phone on vibrate while in a place where its ring would be distruptive
15. Unless you're expecting a call from God - turn off your phone in church, synagogue, or the mosque.
16. Set the ringer volume below an ear shattering 200 decibels.
17. Don't use the phone's video camera in inappropriate places. Try using it in a strip club and see what happens.
18. Don't keep the wireless headset plugged in your ear when not using the phone. The coolness quotient on that expired years ago. And while you're blabbering into space don't be offended if I mistake you for a schizophrenic. Sometimes I can't see the headset.
19. Having a cell phone does not mean you can change your plans nine times before actually meeting up with friends. Pick a time and place and stick to it.
20. Turn off your cell phone at the opera, ballet, movies, live theater, and concerts. Again, transplant surgeons are exempt but they should keep theirs on vibrate.
21. Turn off your cell phone before doing anything romantic - use your imagination.
22. Cell phones shouldn't be allowed in schools. If parents are so concerned with their kid's safety they shouldn't vote down the school budget every year or elect local Mussolinis to the Board of Education. Cell phones won't teach a kid how to read or make them any safer. Besides - it makes cheating so much easier.
23. Answering your cell phone at a wake is the pinnacle of self involvement. You're going to hell. Sorry.
24. There is NO using your cell phone in the stall next to me in the bathroom. I mean, do I seriously have to tell you this?
25. Do not get that ringback tone thing and play hiphop at me. I will hunt you down like the animal you are.
You are now free to call TKOP. But do so wisely.
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:30 PM
Friday, June 23
Zero's Friday Five
Next week, Zero's Friday Five (aka Your Favorite Blog), will be coming to you from the new Casa Nada for the very first time. Before Ghost and I can move in though, there's a few things still kicking around our house that we're trying to part with, such as some sexy black couches and some fancy china desert plates. Just thought I'd mention it. Anywho, in celebration of the house that we've called home for the last 4 years, I'm going to do this week's Friday Five on the five best things about the old Casa Nada.
1. Defense - It's high on a hill, well above potential flood waters and zombie invasions. The gun installations located above the garage have sight of nazis, Al-Queda, and effing neighborhood kids for miles. Our dog has taken great pains to outfit the backyard with many all-natural land mines too. It's a fortress for the new millenium.
2. Surround Sound - We have speakers mounted into the walls and ceiling of the living room, and 2 upstairs bedrooms. It's a sound explosion. Also, in reference to #1, we've also hidden poison gas hoses behind the speaker grills, just in case the enemy gets lucky and invades the house. We die, they die.
3. Adult Movie Theatre - The downstairs study has 3 large windows that face into the street, my computer (and more to the point, my monitor) is set up opposite them. So, late at night, when I'm cozy in my high back office chair cruising the net for all sorts of vile, vile pornography, the entire neighborhood gets to cruise right along with me.
4. Mice - Every winter our attic fills with dozens of mice. We poison them and they die. But, they always come back for more. I'm going to go ahead and estimate that in 4 years, we've killed more than 100 mice. Yeah, I don't know how we're going to sell the place either.
5. We're Leaving - Seriously, this is my favorite thing about this place. That I won't have to go back to it in another week. It's not even that it's a bad place. It's actually quite nice. But, the new place is that much nicer. Ghost and I expect to host a very nice house warming party later this summer or in the early fall, so you'll be able to see for yourselves.
You are now free to tour Old Casa Nada (with a real estate agent).
posted by: Zero @ 9:16 AM
Monday, June 19
All I want for fathers day:
I know Gabe over at Penny Arcade posted about little Gabe this weekend. How he was making animal noises and how they taught him the sounds of noth real and imaginary animals.
On that note, I'm going to be "That Dad" for a moment. The verbal floodgates have opened in our little house. We've gone from first word to 7th word in a little more than a week. (Including 3 tonight...)
This is the vocabulary (In order of appearance, not counting the proto-word "bu" which at first we thought meant "book" but the tunred out to be anything he thought was fun.):
1. Uh-oh. (An old staple. This one came out when he dropped his toy into the couch cushions last weekend sometime. He looked into that M&M infested crevice and said "Uh-oh" clear as day. It was brilliant. He now has started uttering this word when he intends on dropping a toy or other object to the floor.)
2. Da, Da-da (And now the variant dah-de.)
3. Dank ooh. (This is Thank you. At day care the owner is VERY polite and has been working on getting an older child (Who's about 4) to say please and thank you. She's been a bit resistant, so they've been hammering it everytime they give her something to say it. Last week, the father gave Lane some food and lane said "Dank ooh" very clearly.)
4. Ma (Or Ma-mee.)
5. Hi (We're working on "Hello")
6. Go dog! (From the "bu")
7. Antidisenstablishmentarism. (Every kid has to have that block-buster word for the first day in Kindergarten and this is Blisses choice. I figure he'd be doing better if he can spell it.)
What we're trying to make sure he DOESN'T do is drop the F-Bomb... But sadly, look who he has as parents. It's kinda inevitable.
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:04 PM
Friday, June 16
Zero's Friday Five
Tomorrow, at Casa Nada, there shall be a garage sale. It shall include clothes, books, CDs, DVDs, Furniture, and the many knick knacks and doo-dads that have ceased to delight both Ghost and I, but that are far too nice to simply get rid of. You should come check it out. I will PM directions to anyone who wants, and would surely appreciate it if you'd spread the word for us a little bit should you know anyone looking for stuff. This is all in lieu of the end of the month move into our bigger, better, badder castle. There will be a house-warming party in late July. Tkoppers shall be invited. More on that later. For now Garage Sale, and the top 5 things you will NOT find there.
1. Strippers - Ghost vetoed this right away. I thought it would be cool to set up our stuff on tables and have them flanked by strippers, Kid Rock style. Alas, it's a no go. Of course, Ghost's sister is expecting a baby any day now, and if she has it Ghost will have to go out of town for a few days to visit, and what she won't know can't hurt her. :)
2. Weapons of Mass Destruction - I sold all those already to a charming young lad named Ahmed. He said something about raining fire and ash over the infidel skies of Utah. Personally, I don't much care for the mormon lifestyle, but I think he has some real hatred over it. Maybe he had one too many mothers growing up. I dunno. Either way, they're not available anymore.
3. Babies - Yes, Ghost's sister is expecting very shortly, but it's not for sale. And we got out of the slave and baby trade back in 2001 during the first great Angelina Jolie exodus to Bahrain or where ever she gets her little ones from. You just can't compete with star power like that.
4. Computers - Oh, I'm a nerd. A big huge effing super nerd. But, there will not be computers for sale this weekend. You can't have my machines!!! They're mine!!! They love only ME!!! MUHAHAHA!
5. Ghost's Panties - You people are sick. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Perverts.
posted by: Zero @ 9:55 AM
Wednesday, June 14
The Mother (In-law) ship
Remember that miniseries "v"? Remember when the aliens ripped off their faces to reveal they were really evil lizard people, and everyone was all like: Oh no, we've been betrayed! Noooooo!
Thats what planning this wedding with my future mother in law has been like. She acts all sweet and innocent and tells us it's our wedding we can do what we want, but then when we want to do something she doesn't like, she acts totally effing crazy and calls us stupid and refuses to let it happen, making everyone miserable until we relent and agree with her.
And to borrow the "v" metaphor again, I'm like one of the scientists who mysteriously disappear. She actually believes I have no say in this wedding, and continues to subvert my input so she can have total control over the earthlings, er... I mean her daughter, in order to get what she wants.
I really don't know what is up with these sci-fi/fantasy wedding metaphors, but they just seem to happen subconsciously. I guess it's from growing up watching all these monster movies and having no other point of reference when faced with such a terrible human being.
At least I like my future father in law. It's often like reliving episodes of the Archie Bunker show. But he amuses me, and so did the tee vee show, so it's all good. And yes, that would make me Meathead. But hey, Rob Reiner did pretty well for himself.
In other news, I happen to catch this new kids show while channel surfing today. It's called "It's a big big world", and it's made by the same people who did "Bear in the big blue house" which was a fantastic show both in education and with styles of puppetry. This new show is even cooler looking (to the point of creepy) with their puppet and CGI work. But as I think of children still spending so much time in front of the television these days, I can't help thinking it's ironic that the lead character on the show is a SLOTH. But hey, it's also hippy dippy enviornmentalist, so thats cool.
Stay tuned for more wedding updates in the form of popular sci-fi fantasy metaphors!
posted by: Zung @ 8:05 PM
Monday, June 12
Teh Intarwebz will tremble before you.
When you spend all day on a computer, you'd imagine the last thing you'd do when you get home would be plant yourself down on a couch on a laptop, right?
Yeah.
Not only am I here, but 5 feet away Bliss is sitting on the couch with her laptop...
And our friend Cynthia is sitting here too... On her laptop...
And we're IM'ing as we watch a movie...
Oh, for gods sake.
I can (and do) spend hours in these silly boxes. I drop everything when there is a problem with one of my computers. They're like sick children... Without the snot...
I love them in all different creeds and colors. No bigot I when it comes to choosing a platform.
It's also rather helpful that Bliss doesn't get upset with my collection... I seem to attract the poor things for one purpose or anouther. Seeing as how we now have something in the area of 10 or 12 or... Something. No... This is not counting the dead ones in the basement.
And I'm not even counting the old palms, MP3 players, routers or other compulike goodies that are around here.
We here at TKOP all have a rich history with electronics. If you look at the technology that we deal with today compared to that of the original days of TKOP, it's kind of amazing. Most of it will get you a few nickles on ebay these days.
I sometimes imagine my reaction, if I were to show my current rigs (either home or work) to an early TKOP me... (Or, better yet at one of the old meets to all of us... Heheheh. i remember how our jaws dropped with things like acidwarp and the original DooM... Imagine a CoH or WoW shown to you back then. There would have to be underwear changing.)
Ok, I'm off to play with my toys now. Enjoy the freedom of a open non-pay network... for as much longer as we have one...
posted by: Skeeve @ 8:29 PM
Friday, June 9
Zero's Friday Five
I'm moving in 3 weeks and things are getting pretty busy around Casa De Nada. Packing, listing, garage sales (and yes, I still owe the forums a list with pictures and prices for all the furniture, etc. that we're selling off). It's a hectic and exciting time. Because of that, I'm going to do this week's Friday Five feature on my top Five ways to take the stress level down a little bit.
1. Beat Up Your Father - He's old and you could totally take him now. Remember all that crap he gave you growing up? Remember that time he came into your room at 3 in the morning, drunk and stinking of gin, and drooling all over you? Well, pay him back, dammit! He deserves it, and so do you! It's a great way to unwind after a tense couple of days.
2. Play Zero's FORUM GAMES - They're free and I love a cheap pop!
3. Lick The Floor - I know it sounds juvenile and pathetic, but sometimes you just have to get on your hands and knees and start licking hard wood or carpet. Whatever you're preference is. This is a don't ask, don't tell kind of blog.
4. Commit Suicide - There's a million ways to do it. All you need is a dollar and a dream. Or is that the lotto? I forget. Either way, if you can't handle the stress, you might as well do yourself in. One less crybaby in the world.
5. Hookers - It's been AGES since I mentioned hookers in a Friday Five. So, there's yor fix! Hookers! Hookers! Hookers!
You are now free to flip out all over the TKOP!
posted by: Zero @ 4:29 PM
Wednesday, June 7
For whom the wedding bells toll
Nearly three years ago I proposed to my true love, on the spot where we met. I asked her to be with me forever, a request I had gone over several times in my head. Yet when I knelt down on one knee and tried to get the words out of my mouth, I was shaking and nearly struggling to get the words out. Although we had been together for 5 years, I was scared. Not of the answer (I knew she'd say yes. We're both quite co-dependant thank you very much), but of the idea of commiting to such a profound change in our relationship. I knew it was what we both wanted, but it was like launching a ship into uncharted waters that could never return to it's home port.
Wait. Scratch that.
Let me deevolve into a more geekier analogy.
It was like when Frodo decided to take the ring to Mordor. Volunteering when no one else would took courage despite the fact that he knew he was meant to do so.
Trust me, I'm going somewhere with this.
So it's been a little over two and a half years since I put the ring of sauron... I mean the engagement ring on Kate's finger. I thought little of a wedding (the metaphorical fires of Mordor) for sometime now, but as I approach closer to September 16th, the thought of getting married is beginning to weigh heavy on my soul. Invitations and seating arrangements circle 'round my head like the dreaded Nazgul. My future Mother-in-Law is like the Witch-king of Angmar, wearing down my defenses so I will agree to squash lasagna and a carving station. And finally, my own Mother is constantly pestering me with requests like: "We wants a precious wedding cake, yessss... We hates the flourless chocolate cake! Filthy deserts!" But in the end, my fellowship of a best man and groomsmen will arrive to take me to an awesome bachelors party, making it all worth while.
Yes I know, I took the analogy too far. But at least I didn't equate my fiance to Samwise Gamgee. That'd just be weird.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, the whole thought of getting married is becoming scary. Like, plunging the world into darkness scary.
But then again, The Hobbit was published after the Lord of the Rings, and we come to find out that this older guy has gone through a scary ordeal with a ring before Frodo had, and he made it out ok.
Anyhow, Congrats Ace. And I hope my ordeal is as nice as yours.
posted by: Zung @ 8:46 PM
Tuesday, June 6
The perils of late night guests.
Or... "It's all unl337's fault".
He told me to say that.
Sorry fo the late blog kids. Trying to help turns into hanging with friends and then you are the big losers.
So, blogs a bit late, and a bit short as I fall into bed now. I hope that everyone had a good weekend, and we shall see ya next Monday!
posted by: Skeeve @ 1:03 AM
Friday, June 2
Zero's Friday Five
So, last week was an exciting one in Zero's FORUM GAMES. We declared a Grand Champion (next one in < 25,000 posts!), and started 2 new games; one of which is all about lying. You know you like to lie, especially at the expense of your TKOP brothers and sisters. So, go make up some stuff. We promise to only believe you a little bit. Of course, with all this lying, I thought I'd do a short little Friday Five about truth... or as Stephen Colbert calls it: truthiness. Here are my top 5 sacred TKOP truths.
1. Skeeve does not look good in a two piece bikini. Sorry, Skeeve.
2. The Cat's arch nemesis is a practical joker (now living abroad) called The Mouse. Their childhood antics were witnessed by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera in 1965 and were the basis for the hit cartoon, "Tom and Jerry". This is actually true. My magic eight ball says so.
3. Bliss has long thought of running for political office, but worries that her family ties with organized crime will be drudged up against her. This is also true of Zung, except that he worries that voters will discover that he paid for college by stripping at a bar patronized mostly by the Amish.
4. Zero has a criminal record. He was arrested in 1994 for the attempted rape of an undisclosed farm animal. Some suspect it was a cow, others, a sheep. Either way, he's not telling. He was sentenced to 50 hours community service and 10 years of talking about himself in the third person.
5. Muddseye has a recurring nightmare that Captain James Kirk was not portrayed by William Shatner afterall, but rather by Ron Jeremy, the adult film actor, in an episode where Mudds plays the green skinned love interest of said captain. It's a graphic, homoerotic dream. One which sometimes features Spock watching the (un)happy couple frolicking and stating that 69ing is highly illogical, or Dr. McCoy being asked to join in and saying, "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a manwhore!"
You are now free to spread truthiness around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 12:16 AM
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