TKOP.COM

Monday, May 29
I will remember thee.

My father is a Vietnam Vet. His father was a Navy doctor, as was his father before him.

My Uncle was a World War 2 Corsair pilot.

My great uncle never returned from France. He lies buried in Meuse-Argonne American Cemetery.

I remember visiting my uncles grave. When I was young. I remember buying the rememberance poppies, (From the Buddy Poppy program.) and wearing them on the collar of my shirt. The poppies were inspired by this poem:

In Flander's Field
by John McCrae
In Flanders Fields the poppies blow,
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky,
The larks, still bravely singing, fly,
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the dead.
Short days ago,
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved and now we lie,
In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe
To you, from failing hands, we throw,
The torch, be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us, who die,
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow,
In Flanders Fields.

I never met my Uncles or my Great Grandfather. But on this day, I remember them. In the stories that my grandmother and my mother told. They touched me. And to this day I am honored that I am related to them. For they gave of themselves for what they believed in.

It wasn't just my family. Nor yours. They came from all walks of life. Those that returned were sometimes welcomed home in heroes parades... But those who did not return... They have this day. So, somewhere in the celebration of the beginning of summer... In the Bar-b-ques and the swimming... The Smores and the campfires... Take a moment.

Remember them.

posted by: Skeeve @ 11:23 PM

Friday, May 26
Zero's Friday Five

Nobody blogged this week? Is it a Kingdomwide Holiday? Skeeve Week, perhaps? We should have a Skeeve Week, come to think of it; 80's music and grilled sausage for all! Kind of makes you wonder... I mean, what if TKOP had it's own holidays? Maybe they'd be something like this:

1. Summer/Winter Potluck - Just as the pagans celebrate the solstice, so shall we observe the twice-a-year potluck. A Kingdomwide celebration where everyone gets together, gets drunk, shoots one another with squirt guns, eats too much potato salad, vomits for one reason or another and calls it a day. Should the potluck fall on the birthday of any esteemed TKOP denizen, that person shall be stripped naked and praised by all other TKOPpians while another person of their choosing hurls spoonfuls of salsa at them. Viva la Potluck!

2. Zungadan - In honor of Zung, Zungadan is the holiest of TKOP days. Beginning at sundown on Zung's birthday and ending at noon the following day, all TKOPpians shall observe this day by dressing entirely in pink and singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Weiner" as loud as they can on as many forms of public transportation as possible. Obviously, non-TKOPpians will take some offense or annoyance and want to bloody you with their fists. The TKOPpian with the most bruises/broken bones at the end of Zungadan has proven himself the most loyal to the Kingdom and is rewarded with an ice cream treat which prior to serving has been spit upon by all other TKOPpians. You know. For luck.

3. Muddsivus - Named for Muddseye, this is the only TKOP holiday that actually already exists. You'll notice one major TV network or another observing it from time to time and that's a very good thing. Essentially, Muddsivus is just a 24-hour Star Trek marathon, but true TKOPpians know that to properly honor the holiday, one must watch the marathon in the nude, do 10 jumping jacks during the end credits of every episode (in honor of the 10 feature films) and yell "Beam Me Up, Scotty!" every time they become aroused during the course of the day.

4. TheCatmas - Like Christmas, this is the season of giving... the finger. Yes, every TheCatmas, TKOPpians shall place a lifesize statue of The Cat flipping the bird in their living rooms and decorate it with deli meats and garlands. They shall exchange gifts with only people they don't like. These gifts will be insulting in nature, for example, a big poop in a box or a video of your sigoth cheating on you. Reality checks and mean spirited antics for all. Deck the halls with boughs of holly and then shove them up your butt, it's TheCatmas!

5. Miniblaarg Kippur - Holiday?? Zero smells like tofu and tinactin! - Holiday?? Skeeve wears a thong! - Holiday?? Zung used to clean his English professor's house... in the nude! - Holiday?? Evil_KATil has every episode of Knight Rider on tape and she watches them religiously! - You get the idea. It's a day for making up random miniblaargisms for our favorite chatroom bot. HulkHoliday?? DAY OFF FROM WORK SMASH!!!!!!

You are now free to celebrate around the TKOP.

posted by: Zero @ 11:21 AM

Friday, May 19
Zero's Friday Five

Why are you reading this when you could be playing Zero's Forum Games instead? We're almost to 25,000 posts and there's 2 brand new games in there today. Go play. The person who makes the 25,000th post will be crowned TKOP's very first Grand Champion. That'll look hot on your resume. Seriously. Why are you still reading this? The forums are free and they're right there! On the left. See where it says "Forums"? Click on that. It's that easy. Not registered? Register. It's FREE. For God's sake, why are you still reading? What the hell is wrong with you?! I have a few ideas...

1. You were dropped on your head as a baby and all the kids growing up called you Head Wound Harry.
2. You discovered in your teenage years that you were attracted to neither men or women and could only get off on blogs posted on Fridays.
3. Your Easy-Bake Oven looked an awful lot like your Training Potty and you often got the two confused.
4. Skeeve made you cry once and you've never forgiven him.
5. Free forums terrify you ever since you met that guy from MySpace and he turned out to be an exiled cultist from Waco, Texas and tried to brainwash you into killing yourself so you could be with Aliens. You wasted 3 years of your life in that cult before being freed by undercover FBI and ATF agents. However, many of your cult brothers and sisters remained to perform the ritual and no matter how many times you wash them, their blood will never come off of your hands.

Wait? That's not right? None of it? Well, then go play Zero's Forum Games, you effing McEffbag!

You are now free to join the TKOP forums. We've been waiting for you.

posted by: Zero @ 11:21 AM

Wednesday, May 17
The Spoils of Graduation

I have found the cure for my World of Warcraft addiction. The Playstation 2. Call it my methadone of video gaming. I think I can satisfy my gaming urges in short bursts with the help of The King of All Cosmos. He's going to put the stars back into my life.

The Playstation 2 was a graduation present from my mom. It's as if she was trying to say: "You got your bachelors in Fine Arts? Here, you'll need something to do while you're unemployed."

I'm going to be 30 this year, and I'm still playing video games. If I'm not meeting my parent's or fiance's expectations, at least I'm still meeting the expectation of my demographic market. But I think I'll be ok, as long as I'm drinking a Mountain Dew.

Last night I played Spiderman 2, which is set up like Grand Theft Auto (except without the car stealing and beating up hookers). I can explore the entire island of Manhattan, which really adds to the realism of... being Spiderman. Anyhow, I particularly enjoyed swinging around buildings and ignoring the calls of help from citizens in trouble. I make a terrible Superhero.

Katie beat me in Tekken 5, several times. I'd really like to say that I let her win (and she still thinks I let her win), but sadly no, my social worker fiance totally pwned me at Tekken. It's really sad, since I was playing video games since Atari, when she was like, reading books and learning stuff.

I'm waiting for Katamari Damacy to arrive in the mail. I played it once at a friends house and I've been jonesing for it ever since. I can't wait to start rolling $hit up. If you've never experienced it, let me explain. You roll around a ball and stuff sticks to it. No, that's pretty much it, but I assure you that it's hours and hours of fun and no I'm not retarded.

Of course the gaming cannot be complete without the 36" television we inherited from Kate's parents (they replaced it with a bigger one), which I have placed in the guest room. It's not much of a guest room any more, since the Television and stand take up about a third of the room. The Television requests, nay, it commands that it becomes the entertainment room. "No, I'm sorry you can't stay overnight, the Television sleeps in there." I think I may have to remove the couch to make it more comfortable (we have some really tiny rooms in this house).

Well, the pizza just arrived so I must go and play video games and eat... pizza. Yay! I'm living the life of a bachelor. But it's ok, it says Bachelor on my degree.

posted by: Zung @ 8:00 PM

Monday, May 15
On big steps:

I saw my son take his first unassisted steps this weekend. On Mothers day, no less. And into his Mothers arms.

Well, that made my target bought cards look pretty damn insignificant, I tell you.

It's amazing having an almost one year old. (5 weeks! OMG!) They're changing every day. I keep expecting it to be like a slot machine and stop at one behavior when you least expect it, and have money come shooting out of his mouth.

But then, he'd have had to have eaten it.

So, he's getting into everything (Especially the things you don't want him in) and now he'll be that much more mobile to get to the things you don't want him to get into. Booyeah. Sounds awesome. I'm going to glue it all onto the celing now.

It's like WoW... At the lower levels the next level/skill comes very quickly. When you get up into the 20's and 30's that next ding takes awhile.

My son is dinging nearly every day.

He spent some of the weekend over at Unl33t and MiLady's house with thier little girl, who happily shared her birthday party with our little Emporer (who for some reason would not let her keep her pacifier in her mouth at all... He kept taking it out and then almost putting it back into her mouth and yanking it away at the last second. My son the future grade school bully...) and they shared cake on a plastic sheet... (I think they got as much on them as in them...) And then a highly videotaped bath which will be shown around thier 18th birthdays. ; ) Just because.

Ok, now it's time for all the little family to head to bed. Be well, and walk fast.

posted by: Skeeve @ 9:45 PM

Friday, May 12
Zero's Friday Five

I wanted to do a Friday Five about E3, but I'm all E3'd out. So, I thought I'd do a Friday Five about how Ghost and I just bought a new house, but I'm kinda burned out from signing contracts and doing home inspections. So, then I brainstormed some ideas and came up with this: The 5 Worst Ideas I had for This Week's Friday Five. Enjoy... No, I take that back. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

1. My Top 5 Favorite Kinds of Poop. - When straining to push out an idea for the Five, I find myself squeezing out dookie jokes like a grade school kid. Perhaps it's the Kevin Smith fan in me plopping itself into my watery idea bowl. Whatever the case, I thought the whole idea stunk, so I flushed it.

2. Top 5 Nightmares I've Had About TKOPpers - It must've been that meet at The Crossing, or maybe the party over at Zung's, or both. But, every now and again a few of you haunt my dreams. Oddly, it's usually something involving man on man action and zombies. For example, I once had a dream that zombie versions of The Cat and Ronin were chasing me through post apocolyptic streets on rollerskates while simultaneously humping on each other's zombie wounds. It was really gross. I remember waking up right before George W. Bush showed up to impale me with the "Lust" machine from the movie "Se7en". That was a scary image indeed. I think I may have severe problems.

3. Five Things To Do On A Boat - I've only been on a boat once, and yet I kept thinking that I could do something nautical and funny. Sadly, I could only come up with 2 things that one would do on a boat: Pirate dance party, and slapping hookers with fish. Man... I really need to get a boat.

4. A Question of Phases - Every now and again I feel like I may push a few buttons with the five. I live on the edge, what can I say? But, I ultimately decided that it would've been too far over the line to post five different pictures of my balls and have TKOPpers guess during what moon phase the pictures were taken. I'm not even sure there'd be a way to tell. In any case, if you want to see my balls, you'll have to do it the old fashioned way and invite me bowling. Wait... what balls did you think I was talking about? Oh, you sick little monkey!

5. Top 5 Cartoon Characters I'd Love To Nail - Seriously. Have you ever thought that the some of the Fraggles from Fraggle Rock were kind of hot?... or maybe got turned on by the idea of using one of the Snork's head pieces as a... well, you know. I know I have. But, it's too difficult. I mean, how can one man choose between Judy or Elroy Jetson?

You are now free to run screaming all around the TKOP!

posted by: Zero @ 10:35 AM

Monday, May 8
M is for...

This Sunday is Mothers day. A day of celebration where we level the mass holiday card industry at the hearts of the women who gave us life. From the goofy to the sappy to the down right wrong.

Mothers day cards are a touchy subject. Most mothers (At least mine) act like they don't want a fuss made over them, but in reality that's excatly what they do want. And this year is no exception with Bliss playing the Martyr role of "You don't have to get me anything for Mothers Day." Ah, but you see, I do. It's her first "real" mothers day... I got her a card last year when we were mearly expecting... What if I did nothing (Or rather the Tiny Emporor did nothing) for her first REAL mothers day? Would I survive? I don't think so.

But id just a card sufficent? They're trying to make mothers day into a huge gift giving event. Buy her a RAZR phone and a Verizon plan! Get her a massage you ingrate! Pamper her! Take her out to dinner! Buy her a car/yaght/mink/etc...

I remember when I was in grade school. I think the gift that meant the most to her was the constuction paper card with the macaroni on it... and making her breakfast in bed. And a foot rub. These are the things I think are best. When it all comes down to it, give your Mom some of you time. Make her feel appreciated. Tell her you love her.

Flowers? Jewelry? A card? These things pale...

posted by: Skeeve @ 11:01 PM

Friday, May 5
Viernes Cinco de Zero...

...or something. It's Cinco De Mayo! It's Friday! It's time for the Friday Five!

1. Get Drunk - It's your civic -effing- duty! If I bump into you on a the street and you're not at least mildly tipsy with a beer in one hand and a shot glass in the other, then we have a problem. Skeeve's going to bash you over the head with a tack hammer, drag you into the back of my Element, and once there, Bliss is going to administer some tough love via a Funnel and a huge goddamn bottle of Vodka.

2. Get Drunker - Look, it's already 1 in the affernoon and yu shud be dwinking!!@ May teh FIF! WOOT!@^&!!!!11!!

3. Have Sex With a Stranger - It's like my Priest always said, "Strangers need lovin' too". So walk up to the nearest person you've never met and introduce them to your privates. Don't introduce yourself though, because then you won't be strangers. And people who know each other give each other STDs, but strangers just give you cab fare.

4. Punch a Cop - Why not? It worked for Zsa Zsa!

5. Pee In The Street - They have drains every couple of feet for a reason, and don't let anyone tell you it's for rain and whatnot. It's for pee. Delicious golden beer filled pee. Now go make a number one before I get annoyed and lick Zung's belly hair.

Incidentally, this has been the Top Five Things You Should Do Today. Make it count! It's a celebration, dammit!

You are now free to stumble around the TKOP.

posted by: Zero @ 1:08 PM

Monday, May 1
The Commandments of Coyote

I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer, For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don't.

II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, But Thou Art Totally Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies. Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou Art Doing It Entirely Wrong.

III. If Thy Neighbor Says 'Hands Off My Wife, Dude', Thou Shalt Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With Gardening Tools, and Don't Think That I'm Going To Step In There and Stop Him.

IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once the Hitting Gets Started.

V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don't Come Whining To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine.

VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor Tapping Thy Wife's Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don't Make Me Set A Plague Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise.

VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough, Share. Only Asshats Bogart Life.

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It. Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give, and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A Difference.

VIV. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not. Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably Get A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who Doesn't Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will Have More Fun.

X. Are You Going To Eat That?

posted by: Skeeve @ 10:15 PM