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Friday, March 31
Zero's Friday Five
Tomorrow we celebrate April Fool's Day. It's a time of trickery, where we feel compelled to put salt in the sugar bowl, or tell everyone at the office that we're killing ourselves later that evening, and then when our ruses are discovered we yell out, "April Fool's Day!" much to the delight of friends and family we just burned so royally. Laughter ensues. To make sure you all have a joyful holiday, I've provided my top 5 April Fool's Day pranks of all time.
1. The April Fool's Day Massacre - Show up at least an hour late to work, dressed head to toe in black. Immediately through the door, draw two handguns and start shooting up the place (note: handguns should be loaded with blanks. This is a joke, afterall). For added effect, carry a large duffel bag slung over your shoulder. When the ammo runs out, reach into the bag and pull out some dummy grenades or something to that effect. End it all by grabbing one of your screaming co-workers as a hostage and threaten them with one of those fake knives where the 'blade' retracts into the hilt. 'Stab' this person in the neck to reveal the joke and shout, "April Fool's Day!" Everyone will smile and laugh, and you'll be the hit of the office!
2. Happy New Year! - A classic if ever there was one! This is much simpler to pull off than #1. You might notice that 9 months from April 1 is New Year's Day. So, why not tell your sig oth that there's one in the oven for 2007? Ladies doing this hysterical April Fool's joke will get a much different reaction than the men who try it out, and in a few cases, it's lead to a break-up, a fight, or every once in a while, multiple murder. So, attempt at your own risk. Done right, it's priceless!
3. Debbie Does Dallas - Photoshop experts of the world, unite! Take a few pictures of your favorite co-worker, your sig oth, your friend's sig oth, whoever. Once that's done, photoshop a bunch of hardcore sex photos starring your chosen mark. The dirtier the better. Then e-mail them around the office, to their family, or just post them on the internet somewhere at the beginning of the day. If word hasn't reached them by the end of the day, forward the e-mail to them, or set one of the pictures as their desktop wallpaper. It's the ticket to making new best friends!
4. Law And Order* - This one takes a bit a nerve. Walk into a police station with a baby and a handsaw. Place the baby on the nearest flat surface and tell the present officers to "watch this!". I think you see where I'm going with this. Be careful not to hurt the baby, though... I mean, what the hell are you, a maniac? Geez!
5. WoW, You Tricked Me! - This one is for our many World of Warcraft players on the TKOP. Go over to your WoW playing friend's house and have them sign in to show you their 'cool new purple sword'. Once the password is input, and the account signed in, do whatever you need to do to get your friend to leave the room momentarily... you know your friend better than I do (you may need a partner for this gag to distract your buddy). Anyway, once he's gone, delete all of his characters, starting with the highest level ones in case you get busted mid-prank. You'll all have a big laugh together and then go out for a night on the town. It's perfect!
* You may require a bulletproof vest for safety. Zero's Friday Five and it's affiliates will not be held responsible for injury suffered if you're actually stupid enough to try any of these in real life.
You are now free to fool people all around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 9:25 AM
Wednesday, March 29
Visual subjection
Monday, March 27
The Monday "blahs"
Last weeks lack of blog was brought to you by the number "Migraine" and the letter "Tylenol3 with codine".
Let me tell you I now completely understand the phrase "The cure was worse than the cause". I slept for over 18 hours that day, and still slept that night and was tired and sleepy the next day as well. I'm not certain the tylenol did anything to the migraine really... But I was mostly in a coma through it. The black sleep of the drugged.
Of course I also understand herion users now too. The ability to turn off the world at whim can be rather alluring.
These are the thoughts I have when dealing with car dealers. The ones that always think that going outside of your carefully estimated price range is no cause for alarm.
"Well, sir we could sell you this car that's only 25,000 more than what you were looking to spend." And then they have the unmitigated gall to look surprised when you stick to your initial amount... And I also think they looked slightly disapointed in me.
Perhaps i should slip them some tylenol3... I'll bet I could get anything on the lot for like $5 then...
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:07 PM
Friday, March 24
Zero's Friday Five
No blogs this week? Did I miss a memo? Is it a kingdom holiday?! Well, we still do the Five on holidays, people. It's tradition. Now, grab a cup of coffee and a snacky cake, sit down and have a good, long look at this: The Top 5 American Idol Theme Nights You'll Never See.
1. Heavy Metal Night - Imagine 'DeerInHeadlights' Kelly Pickler growling through Judas Priest's "You've Got Another Thing Coming", or 'ChickenLittle' Kevin Covais' spastic version of Ministry's "Jesus Built My Hotrod". Probably a good thing he got voted off last week, because between you and me, I don't think he could handle it. Special Guests, Motorhead, perform "Ace Of Spades" on the results show and then immediately murder as many people as possible, starting with Ryan Seacrest.
2. Songs Written By Convicted Sex Offenders Night - Gary Glitter guest stars, and coaches the remaining contestants on songs of their choosing while Paula and Randy have their hands full keeping him away from their underaged singers. Bucky brings the house down with his version of Glitter's own "Leader Of The Gang", but the show is cut off early when Clay Aiken rushes the stage and rapes a baby.
3. National Anthem Night - Kelly Pickler forgets the words to the Star Spangled Banner and then smiles gleefully asking, "What's a redglare?". Bald rocker Chris closes the show with his industrial make over of the Russian National Anthem, which inspires millions of viewers to become communists and defect, where they work along side The Kremlin to rekindle the days of Lenin.
4. Original Night - All the contestants are given one week to write a song. The trick is that they have to perform not only the vocal, but the instrumental part as well. Solo acoustic guitar, piano, anything. Kelly Pickler plays the Triangle and sings about her Daddy in prison and how much she misses kissing him with tongue. Talyor Hicks' song is nothing but a barrage of "OH YEAH!" and "ALRIGHT!", which somehow manages to be really impressive. Go figure.
5. Katherine McPhee Sings Naked Night - Please?
You are now free to text your votes all around the TKOP. (Please remember that these are 866 numbers and not 800 numbers). Zero, out!
posted by: Zero @ 9:51 AM
Friday, March 17
Zero's Friday Five
Alright, kids. Pop the corks on your alcohol, cause it's just passed midnight, officially St. Patrick's Day, and it's time to get toe up. Pick your poison and come along... before we're all too drunk to read, here comes the Friday Five. Five pick up lines, sure to get you laid, on this wonderful drunken holiday.
1. You be my Dairy Queen, and I'll be your Burger King. You treat me right, and I'll let you have it your way.
2. I love the way you move... like butter on a bald monkey.
3. Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
4. I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.
5. Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration? - Yeah, I know that one's dumb as hell, but try it when you're completely wasted. I'm sure it'll be worth a few laughs then.
You are now free to stumble around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 12:18 AM
Wednesday, March 15
Getting an education
Last week in my advanced drawing class, there were a few people who didn't know who Jackson Pollock was. It's ok if you, the reader don't know (well, you should, but that's another rant), but if you're an fine arts major, in an advanced class, you ought to know who Jackson fucking Pollock is.
However, there are plenty of contemporary artists that I was completely unaware of until last year. People like Luc Tuymans, Francis Bacon, Chuck Close, Jenny Saville (NSFW) and Philip Guston, and photographers like Eugene Meatyard, Diane Arbus and John Hartfield. Studying art is studying history. It's also about community. I sometimes find my fellow students to be better teachers than my professors, and the history of art is always a brilliant educator.
Before starting back up at SUNY to finish my bachelors, I was aware of some artists like Egon Schiele, Basquiat, Edward Hopper, Jan Van Eyck and Vermeer (and lots of other artists who end up on posters slapped to walls of dorm rooms. Which by the way, singlehandedly ruined Klimt's The Kiss for me. Don't even get me started on Leonardo on Mugs).
My point is... shit, I don't have a point. I guess I just wanted to link to a bunch of great artists tonight. Maybe one will end up on your desktop. Maybe you'll break out the old sketch book and doodle. Maybe you'll try and get a grant so you can piss on walls. Best of luck to you, and enjoy.
posted by: Zung @ 8:27 PM
Monday, March 13
Life with a near toddler:
It's like living with midgets on acid.
Drunken midgets on acid that like nothing better than the mess with your stuff.
I've contemplated just going around with a hammer and pre-breaking all my stuff.
It's amazing how fast he is at this age. He's also able to hurt himself somehow at the drop of a hat. At his current age it's unlikely that he'll actually learn that the open hole on the Coke can is sharp.
So, at this point I'm thinking of celing mounting everything I don't break. It'll slow him down a little bit. I mean, just enough that maybe it'll last till he goes to daycare and starts breaking thier stuff.
It's facinating that they have these kid corrals these days too. Just a big plastic fence that you can put around the kid so you don't have to babyproof. Innovative! And if things get too insane you can simply climb into it and cower as your child circles around you like a divers in a shark cage.
The teeth have also come in, so what he can reach with his new mobillity now winds up with teeth marks. This does also include Mommy and Daddy's fingers.
Almost all the clothes we were given for the baby shower are far far too small to cover him now. It's a pity that there's no such thing as a toddler party. I just have to say that the best thing to ever happen to a kid is grandparents. I mean, what else do they have to spend thier money on but "Adorable" little outfits.
It's really only just beginning. I mean... In 16 years or so he'll be wrecking my car.
posted by: Skeeve @ 7:08 PM
Friday, March 10
Zero's Friday Five
The headlines this morning were as follows: "Bush Approval Rating Reaches Record Low", "17 Dead In Fresh Iraq Violence", "Two Killed In Violent Southern Storms", "Indictment Sought for Italy's Berlusconi", and "American Idol Down To Final 12 Contestants". This is why I love getting my news on the internet. It's always terribly serious, often depressing or violent headline after another and then... American Idol! It's as if they just plop that down at the bottom as a way of saying either, "Hey, the world isn't all bad" or "Here's something for you guys who don't care about anything". It's cute. It gives me reason to shake my money maker. I mean, even when things seem their darkest, everyone needs their Idol fix. Therefore, I give you my top 5 predictions for this season's American Idol.
1. One or more of the female contestants will end up in Playboy - It's the old, "Hey, I didn't win Idol, but I was on TV and I still want to be famous, so please crank one out to pictures of my boobies" routine. It worked for several Real Worlders and it could work for Idol contestants. Why else would they raise the age limit for the show? Hugh Hefner was obviously pissed off that season after season featured too many underaged girls. I mean, how's the pajama pimp going to make any money if he can't get some legal Idols naked? That one O'Donahue chick already did Maxim. w00t!
2. One or more people in this country will buy the winner's CD - Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Burrino, Carrie Underwood. What do these names mean to you? Probably nothing. They all won American Idol and Clarkson is the only one with any shred of a career. You know what she did to make that happen? She fired her Idol-appointed management. She realized that the show made her famous enough that she could call her own shots. The rest are probably either dead somewhere, or debating whether or not to return Hugh Hefner's phone calls.
3. Randy Jackson will say "Dog" a lot - You know what, Dog? Listen up, Dog. This is what I'm saying, Dog. Isn't it "Dawg", Dog? I don't know, Dog. But, this is pretty annoying, Dog. I suppose it's better than "Dude", Dog. But, he says "Dude" a lot too, Dog. Oh, nuts, Dog. That sucks, Dog. Maybe we should duct tape his mouth shut, Dog. Word. We got a hot one here tonight! Woof woof woof woof woof woof....
4. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest will kiss on air - You know they love each other. Seacrest, Out!
5. It doesn't matter who wins, because they're all losers - Yeah, I know I kinda touched on this in #2, but it's simply this: They don't write their own songs. Most of them can't play an instrument. The winner will cut a CD of radio friendly cookie cutter pop music and then, more than likely, fade into obscurity forever... after a whirlwind tour playing in front of 10 year olds and their grandparents. The million bucks has got to be nice... and the TV exposure... the experience... I'm sure it's all very wonderful. It's just a shame they talk it up like it's anything more than a glorified kareoke competition. Do I like it? Yeah, I have to admit it's a guilty pleasure. But, they should really let these kids know that after they win, their 15 minutes are over. Clarkson avoided it by putting her career on her terms. Sure, her music still sucks, but at least it's hers... to a point...
I dunno, I guess I'm just pissed that their are millions of truly talented musicians out there, who play instruments and write songs, good songs, and they're slugging it out in clubs and dive bars and they'll never amount to anything. Meanwhile, this TV show rewards the least talented "musicians" in the country simply because they can sing on key. It's pathetic and sad, and for some effing reason I find myself hooked on it like stink on turds.
You are now free to read the serious headlines all around the TKOP.
Zero, Out!
posted by: Zero @ 9:11 AM
Thursday, March 9
Not enough Wednesday to go around
I'm currently working in an extended Wednesday. Thursday doesn't start for me until 9am today. I was going to put up some scans of my photography work this time, but my vintage scanner decided it wasn't up to the task. So perhaps next time.
Instead I'll subject you to what appears to be Godzilla's new enemy...
Wait, no. It's only 5 inches long. Sorry.
Furry Lobster!!!
posted by: Zung @ 7:39 AM
Friday, March 3
Zero's Friday Five
Penny Arcade added a pinch of homoeroticism into their love affair with Macintosh computers today, creating a highly enjoyable, mildly brokeback MacIncredible good time in the process. It reminded me of the time, not long ago, where I (in this very blog, no less) suggested the somewhat snuggly affair of Eyeball and Muddseye. In a word: Yummy. In two words: Yummy Poop.
They talk about androids being programmed for sex, computers retro-fitted for nookie, virtual reality pornography... who are they? Science-Fiction authors, mostly. Sometimes, Zung. He's a bit of a pervert. Well, that's not actually a fair comment. Suffice to say he likes his computers like he likes his partners: young, male and covered in mango jelly.
It's gotten me to ponder though, and ponder I must, about the five deeply depraved perversions of science I'd like to see. Maybe some of these will end up announced at this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo. Why else would they move it to Los Angeles? I digress...
1. Microwave-Friendly Inflatable Partners - For that warm, life-like sensation. Include a voice box with over 1,000 different sayings, and programmable themed speech sets (Teachers, Schoolgirls, Doctors, Pimps, etc...). The ultra-saavy might even add a bioscan feature so that nobody can nail your balloon buddy but you. After all, 51% of all human/balloon relationships end in infidelity.
2. Holographic Strippers - Take the stripper out of the club and bring her everywhere you go. When activated, this handy, pocket sized device emits a full size 3D image of your favorite exotic dancer, performing your favorite routines. You can even program new and unique dance moves, so the fun never ends. Best of all, you can turn it off remotely, for those times when someone walks into the room unexpectedly. EX edition comes with a "laser dollar" that you can slip into the hologram's G-string again and again!
3. Diet Coke with AZT - Face it. You're a perv. And you've had so much questionable sex that there's a good chance you've gotten the HIV. Now, you can take your medication where ever you are, and no one ever has to know. Avoid embarrassing situations (and the truth!) with great tasting, less filling Diet Coke with AZT. Also available with a twist of Lemon!
4. Flexible LCD Condoms - Guys! You know the ones I'm talking to! The ones who hate to wear condoms! The ones who are going to end up thinking #3 was a really good idea! I've got the perfect jimmyhat for you! This 100% safe non-toxic condom features a flexible LCD screen between two layers of durable, sterile latex. Watch your favorite movies, check your e-mail, or just load up a picture of Jesus to look at while you do the deed. Condoms come in a variety of memory sizes (from 256MB to 4GB) and run on liquid batteries which are pre-infused into the rubber. Average battery life is 3 hours, but we all know you won't last that long. PC/MAC compatible.
5. Nipple Clamps - Ok, not exactly high tech or all that new, but imagine HobbesEsq wearing nothing else and you'll immediately find use for the real #5, "Morning After Contact Lenses". See something horrible laying next to you when you woke up this morning? Just slip in these safe, flexible contacts and experience the joy that only temporary blindness can bring! Better yet, these contacts are laced with a nano virus that invades your brain through your eye and eliminates the memory of the last thing you saw that disturbed you!
You are now free to rub one out all over the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 3:43 PM
Wednesday, March 1
Work, study, sleep
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