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Wednesday, November 30
Zung's Lucky Seven
All play and no work makes Zung stressed out at the end of the semester.
I've got a week left of school, and plenty of projects to finish and tests to cram for. So this week I give you an abridged version of the lucky seven brought to you by our good friend "the internet"
7 of some of the craziest shit on the internet
Ok, sure. Whatever you say.
Yes. Yes they do.
If you're reading this, you're in the future
He's still alive as of today
When nothing else can turn you on
File somewhere between creepy and crazy
Who does this and then posts it on the internet?
You are now free to move about something slightly less crazy. TKOP.
posted by: Zung @ 3:03 PM
Monday, November 28
If lifetime is the network for women...
...why is it that everytime I tune in some woman is getting the crap knocked out of her on it?
And in more on that thought... A list from McSweeney's!
Movies That Won't Be Shown
on the Lifetime Network.
BY SHYRA LATIOLAIS
- - - -
Mother, May I Marry a Nice Doctor You Really Like?
The Ideal Husband (Not Meant Ironically)
A Child Accounted For and in No Danger
The Amicable Divorce and Custody Agreement
A Pleasant Family Christmas
The Man Who Was as Nice as He Initially Appeared to Be
My Daughter's Internet Pen Pal Who Is Another Preteen Girl
The Successful Surgery That Improved the Quality of the Patient's Life
The Number of Children We Planned For, All Healthy
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:04 PM
Friday, November 25
Citizen Zero VI: Black Friday
Around 5:00 this morning, millions of mindless american consumer automatons were unleashed on retail stores all around the country, yelling at clerks, fighting with each other over the last jelly donut*, and swiping more plastic cash than God knows what. If you were one of them, congratulations! You have been roped into the unofficial holiday celebration that is Black Friday; commonly upheld by department store sales flyers that feature incredible deals that only the first 15-20 people in the door at the buttcrack of dawn actually receive, lots of bitching at helpless employees who can't honestly help the fact that the big thing the corporation he/she works for advertised in the paper the day before was only in stock for 5 minutes before selling out, clogged parking lots, rising credit card statements and check out lines longer than a print out of all the names in Wilt Chamberlain's little black book**. Yet, the icing on the cake is quite possibly the fact that at some point today, someone (most likely a television news reporter) will say something about how all the retail lunacy marks "the official beginning of the Christmas season". Jesus wept.
* "Jelly Donut" refers to any big advertised product which 1,000 people clamor for, and stores only stock 10 of. Good luck.
** 12 pt Times New Roman Font. Double Spaced.
Listen... I understand wanting to give people great presents for holidays and birthdays, etc. without spending too much cash. I understand that Black Friday is filled with sales that, though advertised as "going on all weekend", actually end about 20 minutes into the morning on Friday because all the big advertised deals have flown the shelves by then. What I don't understand is why anyone would equate this with Christmas. Sure, a lot of people are buying the gifts they'll give on that day, but that's all superficial. Christmas is about the birth of Christ, the celebration of the life of the Son of God, who died for your sins, so that men could live in harmony with peace on Earth and good will...
...I know. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit too.
I don't care how righteous you are, how faithful, devout, or conservative. I don't care if you never go anywhere without your Bible. Christmas hasn't been about what it's supposed to be about in ages. It's about money. Greed. Consumerism. It was a holiday of faith, mutated into a holiday of sin over the years by corporate chains and greedy, complacent, hypocritical everyday Americans. Black Friday is just the end result of decades of this progress. Buy, buy, buy... and uh... Oh yeah, check out the nativity scene over there, brought to you by Pepsi and Best Buy! Bring the Baby Jesus some myrrh and receive a $25 off coupon good on anything in the store (valid through Dec. 24, 2005)!
So, we fill our bellies on Thanksgiving and then go out the next day to fill our passion for stuff. Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to gift giving or receiving. I'm not one of these people who hates holidays. I just think that we, as a nation, put the emphasis in all the wrong places. The same people who would use their unshakable faith as a weapon to curb abortion rights, deny the teachings of evolution in schools; the same people dedicate their lives to a ministry or missionary work, many of them were right there on Black Friday, standing in line, hoping to be one of the fortunate few to get that big advertised deal before the stock ran bare, and complaining and shouting when they were denied. Because that's Christmas, people. That's what it's all about. But, you can always Repent tomorrow. :)
Sin is in.
posted by: Zero @ 8:55 AM
Wednesday, November 23
Zung's Lucky Seven
Yeah, so tomorrow is Thankgiving. So here's 7 Things to be thankful for...
That internet connection you're using right now: No, this isn't so much a geek thing as you'd like to think. The internet, like thanksgiving, brings people together, shares thoughts and memories, and lets you get the score on the Dallas/Denver game during dinner.
The car you drive: It may not be an expensive car. It may not even be a reliable car. But it takes you to work so you can earn money to spend on things like big Thanksgiving dinners. It can bring you across state lines to visit relatives and it can be your savior, allowing you to leave your relatives after desert.
The clothes on your back: Nothing says "I'm a civilized animal" better than covering your self with the skin of an uncivilized animal. We're lucky in America that we can let clothing define us, make a statement or just look as goofy or as sexy as we want. Just check the label and remember that whoever made that for you may not be as lucky. But don't get too sad about it. Let them start their own revolution, so then they can create a holiday where they eat a large regional bird and various carbohydrates.
The roof on your house/apartment: You may not be fortunate enough to own your humble home, you may pay rent like many of us do. But it's still a place to call home and store all your useless crap. It's estimated that over 3.5 million people are homeless in our country. Maybe your place isn't the greatest, but it's so much more than you may realize. Even with the cheese doodle stains on the couch.
Warm meals and cold leftovers: I won't torture you with saddening statistics, I'm sure you torture yourself enough with all the horrible food you eat or don't eat (I'm talking to you, chubby vegan!). Just dedicate your fourth leftover turkey sandwich to Hobo Joe Junkman or raise a glass of diet cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper to unconscious emaciated Jane Doe. Damn, I'm sorry. Did I make you sad? No? Ok then, remember that commercial of the old lady who was opening a can of cat food for what you thought was her cat, but then she ATE IT? Sad now? Still not? Just think about that poor old lady's cat. What did it have left to eat? Or did she eat the cat FIRST? Nevermind. Just be thankful for your damn food.
Clear delicious Water: You can go without food a bit longer than you can water, so that's why it's higher up on the list (even though food is so much more delicious). It's refreshing, it's cleansing, it helps prevent a hangover, and it comes out of a pipe right into your house! Holy crap is that cool or what? Water is so brilliant and has so many purposes (almost as many purposes as baking soda!). I bet you're probably thinking "Now here's where Zung hits us with some statistic about dirty water in third world countries", but no I won't do that. Because you're a good person for already thinking about it. Remember, if it's yellow it might be jello but if it's brown move out of town.
Oxygen: No. Not the television channel. That's at the top of Ellen Degeneres' thankful list. It's the air we breathe. It only comes in two varieties, hot and cold. Not quite as delicious as water and way less delicious than food, but after a few minutes without it and you'll only be thankful for not having to dig your own grave. And that's right, you guessed it, you should be thankful that it's clean. Hey, at least I didn't put TKOP as the top thing to be thankful for. Although if I was making top 8 lists, it totally would have made it.
You may now be thankful for moving about the TKOP
posted by: Zung @ 8:08 AM
Monday, November 21
Thankful:
This year, in making a list, I'm thankful for:
A happy, healthy baby boy.
The love of Bliss.
The support and love of my family and close friends.
Just enough to get by on.
A good place to work, and a nice place to live.
A reliable car.
All of you here at TKOP... Everything you do to help out, make people laugh, or think, or react. Many of you I've known for 10 years or more. I'm thankful for all of you.
Oh, and turkey. And pumpkin pie.
Mmmm. Pie.
posted by: Skeeve @ 10:06 PM
Friday, November 18
Citizen Zero: The Toy Maker
I only have one question for you guys this week: How many squares on a chessboard?
posted by: Zero @ 6:23 AM
Wednesday, November 16
Zung's Lucky Seven
On Monday, Skeeve begged the question...
"What are some of the things YOU do to waste time?"
Personally, I can think of no better place to waste time than the internet.
Thus, this week I give you...
7 places to waste time on the internet
1. Wikipedia. Yes, there is fun to be had with an online encyclopedia. An encyclopedia that features articles on the entire history of Care Bears, the definition of Bootylicious, and how to roll a spliff. Since so much of it is hyperlinked, you can literally spend all day there jumping from article to article. And if you're feeling really frisky, you can play a sort of six degrees of Kevin Bacon game by starting at one article and trying to hypertext to another in as little clicks as possible.
2. Del.icio.us is a community of link sharers, and theres lots of great places cataloged worth visiting. But if you want the readers digest version, try populico.us, which lists the latest top linked stuff.
3. Fark. While yes, most people come to fark for the boobies, you really can just read the articles. Where else are you going to find strange or odd news stories? (Besides Channel Oklahoma)
4. Popcap games, notably Chuzzle. But there are plenty of other addicting games available, without the horror of having to go through Yahoo or MSN's gaming section interface.
5. Homestar Runner. Seriously. If you're going to watch some flash animations, it might as well be here. And you know the real reason you're there is to see Strong Bad. So go ahead, rewatch a classic email.
6. Quicktime Movie Trailers. Who doesn't love movies? And what's the best part of seeing a film? The previews! Get a taste of what's coming to the big screen without your feet sticking to the floor.
7. TKOP. Oh don't tell me you didn't expect that. But seriously, what better place to kill some time than the place where people know you and still like you despite the crazy shit you type?
You may now move about the 7th place to waste time on the internet.
posted by: Zung @ 9:47 PM
Monday, November 14
Best laid plans...
So, I'm not going to get much time, and I'm writing this whole post using Graffiti, and for the second time...
As I'm at a conference today, I'm thinking about my daily rituals, and noticing how easy it is to waste time on a day to day basis.... What are some of the things YOU do to waste time?
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:11 AM
Friday, November 11
Citizen Zero: The Revenge
Zung says to me the other day that coming up with his Lucky Seven lists each week is a real brain drain. It's amusing to me that he says that because writing actual blogs is turning out to be a real kick in the head for me too. After almost a year of Friday Five's I needed a vacation from the format. I thought I'd give it up altogether, but now I think that all I need was just that: a vacation. This blogging stuff is for the birds. Complete sentences? Well formulated thoughts? Sure, I can do these things in conversation, but something about blogging strikes a nerve with me. Maybe it's that I have no desire to actually write about myself as if a monologue about my day or my opinion on something matters to the level that I'd condescend to publish it on the internet for the world to read. I think I'm actually too humble for that. Go figure. Besides which I never used the Friday Five to convey ultra-liberalist hate speech disguised as comedy. Which brings me to the blog I had prepared today:
I'm 27 years old. I'm not new to the world, but I often feel (especially lately) that I'm new to adulthood. I don't remember the world around me from my youth. Or to be more on the point, the world around me in my youth was just a lot smaller. It was always riding bikes and garbage pail kids. It didn't matter to me what Reagan was doing and should I read about it or watch something about it on the History Channel, I'm not going to recall those things. I didn't pay attention then. I pay attention now. And the one thing that truly, deeply concerns me is this: Shouldn't it be us against them? I don't know if it was always this way, but it occurs to me that our government has taken great pains to polarize our country in order to make sure we fight amongst ourselves and not them. It's not a Republican thing. It's not a Democrat thing. It's our government at whole. Terms like Red State and Blue State, Neo-Con, Ultra-Liberal... They exist so that guys like Zung can write an entire blog about nonexistent conspiracies with a running theme throughout that republicans are stupid and it serves less as social commentary and more as fighting words with conservative everyday people.
And this isn't meant as an attack on Zung, or meant to single him out in anyway. His blog just got me thinking about stuff like this. Are the days of Jonathan Swift and Martin Luther over? Do we now, instead of using social commentary as a means to draw light on our politicians in order to open their eyes (for they are only human, and flawed, same as anyone), use it only to maintain arguments with each other while our government lies to us and steals from us? And when I say "our government" I'm not talking about Bush. I'm talking about Bush, Clinton, Republicans, Democrats, Independents, all of them. Shouldn't it be us against them and not Red State vs. Blue State? Is base humor and fighting each other really going to solve anything?
The real heart of the matter may very well be that we, as a people, need to realize one very important thing. Conservative or liberal, we need to stop bickering about the scraps and buzzwords sent down to us from Fox News and CNN. We have a lot more to gain in cooperation than in polarizing and separating from one another. And you can't make laws and set precedents that please everyone all the time. Ordinary citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, sexual or political orientation have a lot more in common with each other than they do with rich people (and we all know it's the rich people who control and run our government). The minute we realize that, and start to use our common ground as a foundation for building a future together... the minute we realize that our differences are less powerful than our shared, universal and basic raw beliefs as human beings, our government is going to have a lot of trouble to deal with. Hell, it may even fall. No civilization lasts forever. But, that's another topic for another time. For now, just consider how much media and government has done to make sure we label and exploit our differences. Remember that not all Republicans are created equal regardless of what the label "Republican" seeks to express. Then take the word Republican and replace it with Democrat, Christian, Muslim, Jew, African-American, Southerner, etc. Labels are wicked things. We need to stop having so much faith in them... take away their power.
Maybe then we'll have some kind of peace.
posted by: Zero @ 9:34 AM
Wednesday, November 9
Zung's Lucky Seven
The past couple weeks has seen difficult times for the Republicans and the Bush administration. Now wait, before you stop reading, this isn't a true political rant. You see, after hearing indictment after indictment and scandal after scandal, it was all too much joy for my liberal head. If my mind was a cup, I would have to say it runneth over.
But now I'm in the mood for something lighter to chew on, so this week I give you...
The top 7 scandals you're unlikely to hear about on Capitol Hill...
1. Upon insurance adjusters inspection of Trent Lott's home in hurricane ravaged Mississippi, the contents of his basement are leaked to the media, which inflames a series of accusations and rumors that come to be simply known as "Cheesegate". The Republican spin doctors attempt to shift the blame to liberal mice, but mouse lobbyists counteract with a protest scurry (the mouse equivalent to a protest march) and the fat cats of Washington are forced to accept a investigation led by a special prosecutor.
2. Supreme court Nominee Samuel Alito. Four words... Coprophilic judges dot com.
3. Condi's Whores. Where do the Senators go when they need some discrete intimate attention? The house that Condoleezza Rice built (also lovingly known as the house of the rising sun). She's the madam who plays piano and still has yet to catch up on her security briefings (see "Tom Delay determined to have passionate love making inside the US"). When questioned about the current use of his crutches, Lewis "Scooter" Libby will accidentally blurt out information regarding the damage done by the questionable sexual positions of female escort Rebecca "China Doll" Murphy, one of Condi's girls. The investigation opens wide quicker than a three thousand dollar whore. Interestingly enough, it is discovered that each of the girls takes on a nickname based on Madam Rice's diplomatic work. Carol "Columbian Mule" Smith and Jennifer "Russian Roulette" Pinter become star witnesses in the case, having kept extensive diaries, which are then turned into a New York Times bestseller "The things I found under the Senator's Desk".
4. After careful combing of administration resumes, it is discovered that Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, omitted several excellent qualifications under his job history, and lied about his closeness to several extended Bush Family members in order to get the job.
5. Under the Freedom of information act, the library records of Laura Bush are revealed (thanks to the Patriot Act), and it is discovered that she took out several books in her college years on the topic of relationships, including one called "Dumb men make great husbands, not leaders".
6. Under the Freedom of information act, the library records of George Bush are revealed (thanks to the Patriot Act), and it is discovered that he never took a single book out...ever. But he did proposition Yale's library that they ought to have more coloring books.
7. Through extensive DNA research, Karl Rove is revealed to be the notorious immortal Rasputin. Republicans are quick to rally behind him and defend him viscously. Democrats give up.
Next week: Can Zung possibly keep up with making top seven lists? Wait and see!
You may now scurry about the TKOP
posted by: Zung @ 4:09 PM
Monday, November 7
Seeing is believing:
The word "believe" is an odd word on it's own. But here are several things that I hold true. Things I truly BELIEVE:
I believe that everyone has certain inalienable rights. And lefts.
I believe that you never get as much as you want. Unless it's life cereal, and then you get way more than you could ever eat.
I believe that the most useless driver will always end up right in front of me whenever I am in a rush to get somewhere.
I believe that every can of Turtle Wax is a "Life time supply".
I believe that there is nothing so perfect as an infant falling asleep on my chest.
I believe in a thing called love. Just listen to the rhythm of my heart. Oooh. Oooh. Ooooh!
I believe no one over 25 should wear spandex.
I believe in the death pentalty in certain cases.
I believe that you should put a woman on a pedestal... Just high enough so you can look up her dress.
I believe in ghosts.
I believe I can fly... I believe I can touch the sky... Um... Wait.
I believe in the two party system. NOT.
I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.... Give them a sense of pride. To make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us of how we used to be...
I believe you have far too much free time on your hands if you've made it this far.
I believe in the lone gunman theory.
I believe there's a place for us.
I believe in family, friends and love.
I believe in hope.
I believe it all has to do with a little bit of nature and a little bit of nurture.
I believe baseball would be far more interesting with randomly placed landmines in the outfield.
I believe whatever my magic 8 ball tells me.
I believe the Eyeball does need professional help.
I believe you should post in the forums.
I believe you should get a webcam.
I believe you should log onto irc.tkop.com.
I believe it's time for you to move about the TKOP.
posted by: Skeeve @ 5:53 PM
Friday, November 4
Citizen Zero III: Back In Training
There are people, (I don't know any, but I'm told they exist) who fear the doctor's office. I've always thought that the reason for this was that there are needles and other unpleasant cold metal tools just waiting to poke, prod and penetrate you all in the name of diagnosis. But, yesterday I found out that isn't the truth. Nope. I'll tell you why people fear the doctor's office. It's as simple as weights and measures.
Why is it that the scale at the doctor's office is off by like 20 pounds from your scale at home. One second you're a suitable 185, then you get sick and you're like 205+ for an afternoon. So, they send you home with a perscription and a complex. One would have to figure the doctor's scale is the correct one after all. That thing you bought at Target, on sale, with the little fishies on it? That's probably not as accurate as you might think.
So, anyways... On top of having bronchitis, I'm also a lard ass. Happy days are here again!
Truth is, I've been all complected with weight issues for years. First I was too skinny (6' 135lbs... you could see my intestines... it was pretty gross). Then I was a good weight, but out of shape. Now, I'm overweight, but not exactly fat. It's an upward moving scale though, so I figure unless I do something about it soon, the next step is obesity. And since I'm such a whiny McWhinerson about crap like this, I guess I'd better do something.
Problem is this: I've had two conversations with two different people who each lost 70-90 pounds over the course of two years simply by changing their diet. No exercise. Just diet. And sure, it takes a while, but damn. If you tell me I don't have to exercise to achieve my personal weight goal, I'm not going to. I'm a huge slacker. How do you think I ended up overweight in the first place? To gym or not to gym, that is the question.
So, I post this today to ask you TKOP citizens, of all shapes and sizes, male and female, earthling and martian (you know who you are): What, if any, is your experience with weight loss techniques? Have you tried anything ever and what worked and what didn't?
Traditionally, winter and the Holiday season is when people gain the most weight during the year. I'd like to reverse that trend at least with me, and start shedding the 40 pounds that I'd like to lose. The pants I still have from high school are calling. They're saying: Zero, remember how nice your ass used to look in these?!
That's right. I'm all about my tookus. It's a good tookus. It deserves better. I guess I shouldn't have feasted on all those brains last week. Mmmmm...
...Brains.
posted by: Zero @ 8:48 AM
Wednesday, November 2
Zung's Lucky Seven
Well, I managed to be back yet again with another lucky 7. Man, making lists is hard. I had this thing about the seven wonders of the world wide web, and I couldn't bring myself to finish it. It was starting to sound like something you'd find in USA Today. They can't even do newspapers 7 days a week! Friday is the "Weekend edition"? Puh-leeze.
So in contrast to last week's novela, I'm doing a quick and dirty list today.
The top 7 STRANGEST things Eyeball has said in TKOP IRC Chat...
1. I haven't stalked anyone this century..
2. Could you dunk your foot in your car to clean it off?
3. I wonder if the radiator would make a good lobster tank.
4. I survived drinking hot rubbing alcohol once.
5. No. I'm disrespecting that monkey.
6. Could be. But I don't recall any poultry sex while I was there.
7. But the database looked so cute when she dressed it up for Christmas last year.
Sure SOME of these things make more sense in context, but they're still strange.
Log into TKOPchat through an IRC client (until we get the webpage interface up) to hear more Eyeball oddities.
You're free to move about the TKOP...
posted by: Zung @ 2:50 PM
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