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Monday, October 31
Hallow weenies?
I know I've posted about it before but trick or treating has completely changed since I was a kid.
I remember making a good chunk of my cosutmes... (Or making my mom or grandmoter do it, rather..)
We said thank you (like we meant it.) after each of us got a bit of candy.
We walked around the neighborhood alone. Sometimes hitting the same house 2 or 3 times (if they had good candy. Once in San Diego a woman was giving out full sized candybars.)
We got other types of treat soo... Pennies (worthless even then...), popcorn balls... Apples.
Our loot bags were pillow cases.
So, Bliss and Lane and I went to the mall on saturday. They had a trick or treat in the mall on saturday. It was insane.
They called it "mall-o-ween" or something equally rediculous. I will not bring my son to a mall-o-ween... unless he cries really hard.
Ok, off to bed for this ghoul. Be safe.
And clean that egg off my car right now, Mr.
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:24 PM
Friday, October 28
Citizen Zero II: The Zeroing
Ever since the last TKOP meet I've been busy maintaining a secret network of hidden cameras in order to collect candid naked pictures of all our most esteemed members. From Ace (Not Diamonds) to Zung and everyone inbetween, I've got you all. And the best part is, I'm outing you in all your birthday suit glory. Sure, you may have spent a good long time coming up with a Halloween costume, but this year, everybody is going as "Naked Guy"!
Click Here for TKOP wangs and ta-tas. (Not Safe For Work!)
Trick or Treat! Behold! The ZEROING!
posted by: Zero @ 4:50 AM
Wednesday, October 26
Zung's Lucky Seven
And you thought I wouldn't be back, didn't you? Well I am. And I have a list. And there are seven things on it. I wouldn't so much call it a top 7 of something, but it's seven things for sure. I've even named my blog "Zung's Lucky Seven". Well, actually that's what Zero named it in an IM conversation after I got his blessing to continue to rip off his shtick.
So I got thinking to myself, what are there seven of? Besides the seven Katies (again, you'll have to wait another time for that tale of woe), the first thing that comes to mind is THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS (doesn't that sound like a dessert sampler at TGIFridays? It would be like 7 different kind of sinfully delicious chocolate [because lets face it, chocolate is the only dessert that's sinful, because of the little children who die making it in the bowels of Hershey Pennsylvania], and each type of chocolate dessert would be more disgustingly sweet than the last. You'd end up either taking it home in a doggiebag, vomiting it all up in the bathroom, or holding it in like a true American and not moving from the doublewide booth for a half hour, thus robbing from your waitress the opportunity to fill your seats with new customers.)
So. The Seven Deadly Sins. The Sins handed down to Noah who was to build an Ark so the sins may survive a flood. Or something like that. Because sins are important. They set us apart from other people. It's like there's a Sin Scorecard, sort of like a mini-putt scorecard. The lower your score is, the better you're doing in life (and if you can get your ball through the clowns mouth, you can get into the kingdom of heaven). Actually, it's a little more like the weight watchers score card. If you behave during the day, you can have some "freebie points" to spend at the end of the night. Like eating half a cheesecake by yourself in front of the teevee. That's like 3 Gluttony points and two Sloth points. Or going out to a bar with the guys, witnessing Steve pick up hotties with ease while you stir in the corner by yourself, then go home and do some one handed websurfing. 2 points for Envy, and 4 for Lust!
But are the Traditional seven deadly sins really appropriate for today's hip and fast paced world? Isn't it time we reinvent the seven deadly sins? Why not? They did it for the seven wonders of the world (which I will be tempted to reinvent again NEXT WEEK).
1. Bloodlust: Because we've really raised the bar on Anger. Just getting "angry" was so last millennium. If you're not popping caps in someone's ass, then you're merely upset. People who are "Angry" write letters. Since there is so much in this world to be "Angry" about, then it ought to involve drawing blood for anyone to call it sinful.
2. Coprophilia: Victorians used little skirts to hide table and chair legs, for fear of engorging lustful men. That's just asinine, although I'm sure there's a newsgroup for that behavior. So in the past, "Lust" was understandable. These days, people embrace their sexuality and celebrate it. Some people celebrate it in creative ways, and yes, "lust" still does lead us to make bad choices and do stupid things, especially in our youth. It also leads to some strange fetishes. But strange is relative, and so there must exist a sense of respect for sexual behaviors to which we find offensive. Except for Coprophilia. If there is a god, this god must be all loving, for why else would god create all this? But you have to imagine, that getting turned on by eating feces, would even make god cringe and somewhere in southern Ohio, some people would look skyward and say: "Hey, those clouds look like WTF?"
3. Bullshitting: I have to admit, "Pride" was hard to throw away. It is the Sin from which all others arise. It's a thin line to be proud of who you are, and being a annoying braggart. I'll have one for a brother-in-law soon, and I'm not looking forward to hearing how great he is around the holidays. Although he at least tells the truth (although it may be stretched a bit). There's nothing worse than a bullshitter. It's like bragging, but without the honesty. Compulsive bullshitters are parasites. They have no real function in this world, and as soon as you figure out that they're untrustworthy liars, they move on to the next unsuspecting victim. There ought to be a special place in hell for these people, and if there isn't, I'm petitioning the landlord as soon as I move there.
4. Bulimia: Have you looked at America lately? "Gluttony" has seemed to become a national pastime. But how can I argue? I love food too. And I can buy a lot of it at the bulk stores. A recent health report came out saying that having some fat is good for you. I didn't read it, because I was already convinced after reading the title. Food makes me and so many others happy. Why do you think Santa Claus is always portrayed so blissfully? He's not worried about Diabetes or his blood pressure. I'm not fat, I'm jolly. What IS a sin, is eating a lot of food and than throwing it up. There are millions of chubby people who would loved to have that food, and now it's been wasted. Sure Bulimia is a psychological condition, and I don't mean to demean those who have had it, still have it, or know someone who does have it or had it. But if Gluttony is a Sin, that surely Bulimics have taken it to the next level.
5. Syllogomania: Is "greed" still relevant? The cost of living, at least in this country, is relatively comfortable. We can go out and buy just about anything with our paychecks these days. A majority of us dreams of winning the lottery and how we'd spend it, and keep wishlists on Amazon or on paper of the things we'd love to have. Usually, we can afford to buy the few things that makes us happy. It's the opposite that seems sinful to me. Compulsively buying what we DON'T need, and never getting rid of it. A packrat. I'm not talking about having shelves littered with kitsch, or holding on to some childhood objects. I'm talking about your home looking like a giftshop exploded, or your walls lined with thirty years of newspaper. That's such a waste of perfectly good greed.
6. Apathy: When people didn't shower regularly (I'm talking about biblical times, not the 1960's) and nearly everything was a luxury, it's easy to say that "envy" was a deadly sin. When your buddy was looking dapper or fancy while you smelled like poo, that kind of "envy" can lead to some troubling behavior. And yes, even in our modern times people are killed for their sneakers or ipods. But "Envy" usually inspires ambition. We're not looking at an emperor and wishing we could take treasure baths, rather we see a successful person and want that life. So then go out and get it! It's the apathy that is truly sinful. Giving up on your envy for, well...nothing, puts you in the category of bums, robots and corpses.
And Finally...
7. Goldfarming: When I think of "Sloth" I think of MMORPG's. Yes, you may be involved in some form of interacting with the millions of other real people who are playing with you, and you are achieving some (non-tangible) goals in a artistically beautifully crafted world, but in reality, you're sitting for hours, barely moving, staring at an inanimate object called a monitor. And while that is like watching television, eventually there's nothing good to watch on TV, and you go to bed. I used to play in the morning before school, and I'd see people comment on how they really need to get to bed soon. Yes you do, among other things. And then there are the "Goldfarmers". People (if you can call them that) who do the same thing, except even longer, and purely for profit. They find the best way to earn currency, and then run around towns screaming how you can buy fake currency for real currency, usually in broken English. They are the bottom feeders whose harsh and unexpected shouting at 5am (EST) violently reminds you that you are a sad sad person injecting yourself with digital heroin (although it's much cheaper).
So there you have it, I've proven my immorality by forsaking the ancient seven deadly sins.
You're free to sin about the TKOP (except for quoting the post above you)
posted by: Zung @ 6:34 PM
Monday, October 24
All you need is a dollar and a gambling addiction.
My buddy Tom once called the lotto "A tax on people who are bad at math." I have to confess that aside from a dollar or two here and there the lottery has never been all that good to me. And those were scratch offs.
I know that there are people who have won. Many of them piss the money away in poor spending. Or thier relatives get in on it, and the money gets divided.
Almost everyone I know has played the "What would you do if you won" game. First thing you'd buy or do if you hit it rich. What kind of car/house/boat/plane you'd buy. First person whose face you'd rub it in. Not to mention paying off student loans, mortgages or credit cards.
To me, this way of thinking can turn dangerous. Relying on "someday" in stead of "now". Putting things off till you think you can afford it, instead of moving while you have an opportunity.
There have been times in my life where I have had nothing but the clothes on my back, and have been unsure of where my next meal is coming from. In those times, I found this quote:
Until one is committed
There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back,
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative
and creation There is one elementary
truth, The ignorance of which kills
countless ideas And splendid plans:
That the moment one commits oneself,
Then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
That would otherwise never have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
Raising in one's favor all manner
Of unforeseen incidents and meetings
And material assistance.
Which no man could have dreamt
would have come his way.
I have learned a deep respect
For one of Goethe's couplets:
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can -
begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it".
W.N. Murray
The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, 1951
Oh, and I won $2 on my scratch off ticket tonight. We spent $8 on the tickets.
posted by: Skeeve @ 8:28 PM
Friday, October 21
Citizen Zero
I often dream about my teeth rotting out of my skull, or being pulled or spit out. I dream about this so much that I was beginning to wonder if maybe my teeth were actually rotting. My dentist informed me (and I pass this information onto you) that this is just not the case. Of course, he told me this after I sat in his chair for an hour having my face ripped apart by large metal hooks, miniature vacuum cleaners and these chinese water-spraying torture devices. It was not fun. But then, what trip to any kind of doctor is ever enjoyable? If they're not scraping your mouth with hooks, they're putting cold radioactive jelly on your stomach, shoving a finger up your ass, breaking out a speculum or telling you to turn your head and cough (while doing the ol' two finger crush on your nuts). If you haven't figured it out yet, Citizen Zero is an all-gender friendly blog (unless you know a man who has had the misfortune of a speculum being used on him, in which case, please feel free not to share that story with anyone).
You know what you just don't hear people talking about enough these days? ...Testicle shaving techniques.
So, back to my original story, I continue to have all these rotting teeth dreams. Some are disturbing, others comical (which is more disturbing, in my opinion). Since I know now that my teeth are actually healthy, I looked to the dream dictionary for answers. The dream dictionary, incidentally, is a BS publication produced by new-age hippie liberal douchebags and various other sorts of heathens, designed to rob other new-age hippie liberal douchebags and various other sorts of heathens out of there hard earned pot money. This is what the dream dictionary had to say:
If you dream of having gray or rotting teeth, this may be a sign of health problems - see your doctor.
To dream of getting a cavity in your tooth is sometimes a warning that your health is at risk. The other possible meaning is, you have uttered some false or mean words and those words are coming back to haunt you.
A dream of having broken or unusually worn-down teeth symbolizes the breakdown of an important relationship.
Health problems, saying mean things and breaking down relationships? Bonus! Suddenly, I wish my teeth were actually rotting out of my skull. First, you don't tell a hypochondriac like me that his dreams could be alluding to actual health problems. Now, I'm deeply concerned that I have AIDS or Cancer or some disease that is so rare, they're going to name it after me... or all three! Second, I say mean and hurtful things to people all the time... It's not my fault. They're idiots and they friggin' deserve it and every other bad thing that happens to them. To imply that I feel guilty about it, or that such things would come back to haunt me, would be absolutely true. Oh sure, I talk a lot of crap, but inside I'm really crying... :)
... and wouldn't my saying all that hurtful crap lead to the breaking down of relationships? Bah! Stupid hippie dream dictionary. It should've said that dreaming about rotting teeth means you're going to win the lotto. Because we all know that all that new-wave, crystals and wicca nonsense is really just a front by state governments to get you to spend more money on the lottery and other taxed gambling ventures. It's the same thing with fortune cookies and those dumb "Zoltar Speaks" machines in the arcade. The one that turned that little boy into Tom Hanks? That was just lies.
Have you ever rolled out of bed in the morning and thought: I just want to repeatedly slam the toilet seat down on my dick?
Last night I had a dream about being stranded on an island, making a raft out of my teeth and Rachael Leigh Cook's skin, and sailing to Japan for a showdown with Godzilla, Mothra, and a giant Ronald McDonald monster named Ted. Let's see the dream dictionary suss that out. Pig #&@%ers.
posted by: Zero @ 9:03 AM
Wednesday, October 19
Zung's Top Five?
My heart sank, as I believe did many others who frequent TKOP, when our beloved Zero broke the news that he was no longer doing top fives. The Friday 5 has become a staple of TKOP's diet, and I fear we may starve without it. Now I know there are a few things that I can do well. Occasionally, I can be clever. And although I consider myself creative, one of the things I do best is copying. Whether it was copying comic book characters into my sketchbook in my youth, mimicking the habits of my fiance for a more cohesive relationship or behaving like those around me to fit in and be liked, I like to copy.
I know a good gimmick when I see one, so I give you...
The top 5 reasons why Zung shouldn't do a weekly top 5
1. Because I'm forgetful, and I shouldn't promise something I can't always deliver. (P.S.- Eyeball: I have that otter's milk you wanted last month. Does that stuff go bad? Because I can try again now that the otter's nipples aren't sore anymore)
2. I never wore a NIN baseball cap EVERYDAY in high school, so why start copying Zero now?
3. Inevitably I'm going to do one of these drunk, and I'll have five reasons why my password doesn't work here anymore.
4. I haven't watched as much Star Trek as Zero has.
5. Because five isn't enough. Zung has to do things in sevens. One day I'll tell you about the other six Katies. Just don't tell Katie #7.
6. Haven't you seen the Photomanipulation contests? Yeah, nobody else has either.
And the top 7th reason why Zung shouldn't do a weekly top 5...
7. $#!& I can't think of something for seven.
You may now leave TKOP in search of pron.
posted by: Zung @ 3:32 PM
Friday, October 14
Zero's Final Friday Five
Let me take you back to Friday, January 28, 2005. Superbowl Sunday was less than 48 hours away, or maybe it was a week and 48 hours away. I don't remember and I don't feel like looking it up. My point was that the very first Friday Five was posted, and its subject was: Five Easy Snacks For Superbowl Sunday. Since then, we've covered everything from Skeeve and Zung's mysterious front page blog absenses to Useless Star Trek characters to Nookie soundtracks and so on. 35-40ish weeks later, I'm not so sure that:
1. I can count to 5 anymore
2. I want to go down in history as TKoP's "Gimmick" Blogger
3. I can avoid rehashing already visited topics
4. You guys won't eventually get frustrated when the best idea I can come up with is my top five favorite kinds of pasta sauce
5. Skeeve is my real dad... what?!
Expect something new and exciting next week, when I finally drop the gimmick, the cross-dressing, and that weird made-up obsession with crude Smurf porn and finally blog as myself... my horribly demented, extremely perverted, deeply troubled, cackling, crazy, funny (but not 'ha-ha' funny), bizarre, sitting naked at the computer with the webcam on, dirty, dirrrrty self.
Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
You are now free to MUHAHAHAHAHAHA around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 12:14 PM
Wednesday, October 12
It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to
This is the first year I'll be turning 29. I plan on turning 29 for several more years. There is no way this boy is ever going to turn 30. Except maybe when I'm supposed to be 40.
Today has been a good day so far. I got accepted into the 60 credit Art Major at SUNY (had to have my portfolio reviewed) so that means goodbye minor requirement. Speaking of school, it closed today at noon through tommorow for Yom Kippur. Woo-hoo! I got my keys stuck in my car (by locking them in there), but the University Police came over right away and got the door open. Then I had myself some sinfuly delicious Arbys (I wish I was celebrating Yom Kippur, because I need to absolve myself of that) and when the Arby's dude dropped one of my Jalepeno kickers on the floor, he made it up to me with a large curly fry. Oh yeah. I'm frickin invincible today! I bet I could run in front of a bus and survive! But I think I'll just play it safe and just go out and see a movie tonight.
Right after I get done watching cartoons and gorging myself on candy. Turning 29? More like turning 12.
Peace!
posted by: Zung @ 2:51 PM
Tuesday, October 11
the "Holee crap it's Tuesday" edition.
Ooop!
I got so taken up in setting up the new ads lastnight I forgot to blog! Mea culpa!
Well, yeah, ads.
Wushu has been footing the bill for TKOP for a little while now, so the ads are really just a way to help give back for what he's done for us. Every little bit helps. You don't have to click on the ads, but if you see something you'd like, give it a shot. Most of them are OK, but keep in mind all ads are external to TKOP and we can't be held responsible for a bad transaction. If you find any ads that are questionable, please feel free to send a message my way and we'll work on getting them removed.
I promise we're never going to have a spider/duck/ninja click ad.
I'll be a little less around this week, and Friday I'll be afk all day. Hope everyone enjoys the weather and clicks a few ads for Wushu. Think of the children.
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:46 AM
Friday, October 7
Zero's Friday Five
Twice this week I've had a similar conversation with two different people, neither started by myself, so you can imagine that I'm thinking fate wants me to do a Friday Five about it. The topic in question: Ridiculous premises for Video Games. This Week: The Top 5 Worst Video Game Premises Of All Time.
1. Super Mario Brothers (Series) - Let me see if I follow this correctly: With rare exception, Princess Peach is kidnapped by a nefarious villain for no reason whatsoever, over and over again, and the only person who can save her is a plumber from the Boogey Down Bronx? She doesn't have knights willing to die to protect her? I mean, ok... The first time, I can understand. The second time, well... that's just a spot of bad luck. But, jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, the girl has been kidnapped like 3 dozen times by now, and what's worse, now her little sister, Princess Daisy is in the getting kidnapped all the time business as well. Listen ladies, we love you and all, but lock your damn doors once and a while and hire a bodyguard or something. Anything. If I were Mario, I'd have packed up my Liquid Drano years ago and gone home. Find somebody else to squish your friggin' turtles, Princess Prude. Brooklyn girls put out for a lot less than a daring 8-stage rescue mission.
2. Joust 1 & 2 - When your kingdom comes under fire from winged marauders, it's up to you to mount your trusty ostrich and save the day. That's funny all by itself. I keep trying to think of a joke, but you're a knight on an ostrich. That's hysterical. Imagine Sir Lancelot flying bareback on nature's retard, jousting a Dragon. Damn, that's precious.
3. Double Switch - Corey Haim is trapped in the basement of a hotel that only has 8 rooms. His only hope is that you can use the hotel's elaborate trap door and hidden passageway system to thwart a criminal plot to steal a hidden treasure and something about ghosts too. Hell if I know. The premise for this one was kind of lost on me the second somebody thought anyone would give two beans about rescuing Corey Haim. Corey Feldman didn't even care, but oddly enough Debbie Harry did. I know I didn't. Moving on...
4. Katamari Damacy - The King of The Universe is disappointed in his son, and even more disappointed that all the stars have left the sky. So, he sends the lowly prince to Earth with a sticky ball, and commands him to roll the ball over things that will stick to it and make it bigger. From that, the stars will return to the sky. Yeah. I'm confused all ready. By the end, The Prince is rolling up people, buildings, and islands in the ocean. So, does that mean that he destroys the Earth? The real gems in this game are how much The King hates his son. Each mission starts off with lines like, "I can only have faith in you for 90 seconds, so get to work." Ah, a father's love. Frankly, I'm rather happy about the fact that my dad never gave me sticky balls to play with. Eeeek.
Corey Haim!
Jousting Ostriches!
Sticky Balls!
Princesses with no security whatsoever!
What could top all that?...
5. Jesus Vs. Dreadful Bio-Monsters - The King of Kings returns just in time to save mankind from "Dreadful Bio Monsters" that threaten life on Earth as we know it. Take command of Jesus Christ, sporting crazy red anime hair and an outfit that would make Han Solo jealous if he were a cross-dresser, and save the day with "The Miracle Power". Of course, Christ reports to a government military agency that gives him specific missions to accomplish and 'lo and behold (My Glory!) that an innocent office clerk in the military HQ catches The Son of God's eye for a little romance. Defeated enemies drop Bibles that you can heal yourself with, power-ups and new Miracle powers. You are the Alpha. You are the Omega. You are... Jesus Vs. Dreadful Bio-Monsters!
I don't know about you, but I'm going to slam my head into my desk, because that's just kick-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic.
* Please note, ridiculous premises don't necessarily equal bad games. Some of these games are actually quite enjoyable to play. Double Switch, however, is complete rubbish. Avoid it like all of Corey Haim's movies except "The Lost Boys". Yick.
You are now free to play around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 10:43 AM
Wednesday, October 5
The Eyeball knows! **GUEST BLOG!**
At a fairly young age, my parents started calling me Eagle Eyes, as I
had an uncanny ability to find things that they had lost, and fairly
quickly. I swear, I've had them come to me after 2 hours of searching,
and as they're trying to explain to me what it is they lost, I pointed
and said "Is that it?". Maybe my parents are just blind.
Give me a flashlight, and I'll Osama Bin Ladin for ya in about 45 minutes.
One thing that has always helped in my quests to find the Holy Grail in
this house, is that my parents could narrow down my search area. Usually
they could at least give me a good idea of where to look, based on
whatever it is that they've lost, and what they were doing it with it at
the time. In a very strange way, this does explain how I found my
father's electric razor in the drawer with the kitchen utensils.
But not anymore.
Now they're just starting to mess with me.
Now, it's like an easter egg hunt.
My father recently lost his cell phone. I tried the most obvious trick
on earth (which of course, they hadn't thought of) which was to call the
phone, and listen for the ring. Although the phone had been turned off
just after my father returned home, 2 days earlier. He hadn't really
been paying attention to it, since it was clipped to his belt. So, it
had disappeared during a period of about 24 hours, and he had been
looking for the thing for the following 24 hours.
As is required, he began to ramble off all the things he had done around
the house, and which rooms he may have dropped it in. This included,
virtually every room in the house, except the closets that are almost
never opened, and the attic. He should have just said "OK, it's
SOMEWHERE on our property. That much I'm sure of." It would have gone
quicker, and he could have said "Oh, but it's not in the attic."
But it's a good thing he didn't do that, because it technically wasn't
even on our property. It was outside, in the backyard, along the line of
trees that border our lawn.
I'm waiting for him to come to me, and tell me he lost his glasses, and
that it's somewhere around "here", at which point he'll just pull out a
globe. And I tell ya, I'll break the stupid thing open to make sure his
glasses aren't IN the globe..
posted by: The Peanut Gallery @ 11:40 PM
Monday, October 3
October:
Wow, a new month is on us already here at the kingdom. It's been a fast summer for us here at TKOP (Your milage may vary) so we should do a summer wrapup!
The summer began with the TKOP putluck meet at Skeeve and Blisses house. Many came from far and wide and brought yummy foods and drinks.
Not much after that came the birth of the littlest emporor, Lane, who has already made his desires known in far less time for Bliss and Skeeve to be online, and more so playing CoH.
Zung had summer vacation to become addicted to WoW and left his longtime flame CoH. (Sniffles).
Zero started doing neat things with his camera, and sharing.
Ace (not diamonds) started a class and has been seen much less frequently.
A few regular users dropped off, and a few new ones joined.
TKOP got hacked. Skeeve fixed it, but it wasn't fun.
Skeeve went back to work.
Ronin made a vow not to let us bait him anymore...
Skeeve and Bliss celebrated thier 1 year anniversary!
Zung went back to school and quit WoW (Awww, sniffles)
Wushu got engaged! *Yay!*
Evil_KATil and The Cat got engaged! *YAY!*
Most of us got anouther year older... Except for MrK, who is ageless.
; )
posted by: Skeeve @ 4:07 PM
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