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Friday, September 30
Zero's Friday Five
A while ago I did a little Friday Five about useless Star Trek characters, brought on by a great deal of geeking out (see: TV Marathon) and a desire to nerd-vent. Well, I stayed home from work yesterday on account of not feeling very well and would you believe that both Star Trek II and Star Trek VI showed on HBO followed by a noon-5pm marathon of DS9 and TNG episodes on SpikeTV (Guess when I took that picture of my TV in the free forums you should join if you haven't already?). So, it looks like you're stuck with another Trek-themed Five. Yeah. Suck it.
This Week: The Unspoken Rules of Trekkery.
1. If Thou Be A Villain, Thou Must Be Dumb As Hell - What is with all Trek villains being absolute weaklings? Even Khan, the Trek baddy to end all Trek baddies, talks his way into oblivion. If he'd just kept his eye on the prize, the Enterprise would've been blown to smithereens in the first 30 minutes of the film and that would've been it. Sure, it wouldn't have been much of a movie, but damn. Stop TALKING and start SHOOTING! Follow him up with the weakest Klingon ever, a giant black dildo that wants to talk to whales lest it destroy all life on Earth, a Vulcan Hippie, a Vulcan Whore, the guy from A Clockwork Orange, The Borg Queen (who could've won in 5 seconds but, had to fall in love with Data for 2 hours instead), an alien addicted to Botox, and a Picard clone with an invincible ship and no ambition to... I dunno.... USE IT! WTF?! Trek bad guys are about as threatening as a faraway sound of thunder. Sure, you can hear the storm, but it never comes.
2. Thou Shalt Not Wear Undergarments - Hey, you show me panty lines on those skin tight jumpsuits of the future. Yeah, I didn't think so.
3. Aliens Are Humans With Weird Facial Blemishes - Klingons have ribbed foreheads (for her pleasure), Begorans have cheese grater noses, Cardasians have bottle openers between their eyes and really high washboard shoulder blades, blah, blah, blah. It's just amazing how there are countless universes and galaxies and yet everything has two arms, two legs, two eyes... well, you get the idea. It's lame. The only alien that didn't subscribe to the "human" mold was a black puddle of snot that ate Tasha Yar, and even that tried to emulate human form.
4. Racism Is Beautiful - "And she believed that because there were no latin people on Star Trek, that was proof that they didn't plan to have us around in the future" - John Leguizamo on his Grandmother. Look at the original crew. It's a beneton ad. Black, White, Chinese,... Chekov. Of course, only the white people were given anything cool to do. The black woman was always on the phone, the chinese guy drove (what?!), and Chekov was... well... what the hell was he? I know they said he was russian but, he always looked a bit more Black Irish to me. Then beam up to the "Next Generation". Now you've got 2 black guys, one who is a bloody savage and the other spends all his time tricking out the ship like it was a Honda Civic. The other shows weren't much better. I could go on, but I've typed a few things here that I've erased because they all end up making me sound racist, and I don't want to go there. Trek is racist. Not Zero.
5. We Built This City On G.I. Joe - Why does anyone carry a phaser? Nobody ever shoots anybody, and should someone be hit, it's always set on "Stun" so, nobody dies. Why not just have everyone carry a pouch of rubber bands to flick at people instead? Oh sure, they throw us a bone once and a while by having some red-shirt die (translation: a "Red-Shirt" is an unnamed character who goes with the away team of characters with names down to a hostile planet and is killed to establish the severety of the situation the crew is facing). It's not really enough, is it? Meh... I need to stop watching Trek all the time. I read too much into this stuff.
You are now free to move about the TKOP. Shoot to kill.
posted by: Zero @ 5:21 AM
Wednesday, September 28
Cranky old people
So last week Blogger ate my post, and as I was on my way to a wake of a cranky old woman, (who due to her state of health was slightly less cranky) I had no time (or energy) to rewrite it. I decided at that point that my next week's blog was going to be how old people annoy me. Then two days ago my sweet dear old grandmother ended up in the hospital. This morning, still at the hospital she got out of bed and fell, cracking her head open. At the moment she's fine, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to bitch about old people.
So I'll bitch about young people.
In exactly two weeks I'll be 29, which isn't so bad. It's just that I'll be spending all of my 29th year counting down to the day that I'm 30. I'm at a point in my life that is quite different than before. I am no longer that pretentious young twentysomething who thinks they've got it all figured out, or that obnoxious teenager who laughs at anyone's misfortune. It's been sometime since I've been that unfortunate tween, who has yet to grasp their place in the world and lost in their confusion act incredibly rude, albeit accidentally. Nor can I barely remember being a screaming child in a restaurant of foolish parents who think they can risk a night on the town with a toddler (although I can remember the junior soprano at Chilis last week, whose vocal cords shrieked throughout my babyback ribs).
But have I mentioned I can't wait to have a kid? As much as they get on my nerves doing things that I know full well I did myself at their age, I can't blame them for being a product of themselves. I'm sure there's someone ten years older than me, who finds me annoying for being just the type of person he was at this age. Is life just a race to be better behaved and more informed, and the winners get to be old and die? Or is life about making stupid mistakes to remind those older than us of who they once were and who they aspired to be someday. I dunno. But I do look forward to being old. I'll have a much wider range of younger ages to complain about.
Which would make me a cranky old man.
posted by: Zung @ 3:41 PM
Tuesday, September 27
Photomanipulation Wiener
It has come to my attention that I missed last week's announcement of the weekly photomanipulation contest! So this week's announcement features two winning entries from the past two weeks. And it just so happens that they're both the same winner! SKEEVE!
 September 16th's winner. Once again Zung makes headline news at Faux... I mean Fox. |
 September 23rd's winner. When you went to school, did you ride the little bus? Or the kick ass little bus with the monster wheels? Looks like no snow days this year.
|
Nice work Skeeve!
Check out the new photomanip section of the TKOP, where you can see all the past winners (and current contests).
posted by: Zung @ 8:00 AM
Monday, September 26
Autumnal thoughts:
The leaves are starting to turn. The air is more crisp, almost spicy. Apples are ripe and ready to be picked. There are pumpkins in the supermarket.
This is the beginning of many years of kiddo sized projects... I remember the fall vividly from my childhood, and it was always one of my very favorite seasons. I want to share these things with Lane as he grows up.
I want to make Caramel Apples. I want to carve pumpkins. I want to hold a haunted house for him and his friends with cold spaghetti and peeled grapes and the monster mash playing over and over.
Oh yes. I wanna be THAT Dad.
If I could only get my hands on a Tesla coil.
If I had but money and time enough I think it would be great to be the weird old scientist guy in the neighborhood who would do cool shit with the kids like model rockets and toy train dioramas...
Here... Grab this wire.
posted by: Skeeve @ 7:18 PM
Friday, September 23
Zero's Friday Five
I don't know if anyone has noticed, but Zung's gone missing again. Anonymous sources have confided to me that his absence is the result of a combination of school, World of Warcraft and a flagrant abuse of prescription medication. The news tempted me to do a Friday Five about why Zung is missing his Wednesday blogs lately, but I've already done that once and the Friday Five will not be a place where old ideas get recycled every couple months. For better or for worse I will, at least for now, endeavor to be somewhat original from week to week. That said, I bring you this week's Friday Five: Five Headlines To Look Out For In The News This Weekend.
1. Local Nerd Goes On Killing Spree At Video Game Store - Albany, NY. A disgruntled geek walked into Electronic Boutique on Central Avenue Monday with a broad sword and began to chop down employees and customers alike. Survivors and eye-witnesses claim they heard the attacker shouting strange coded messages like, "LFG DM PST!" and "WTS Wool Cloth PST!". At one point, as store patrons rushed the attacker in an attempt to subdue him, the attacker yelled, "WTF Aggro!" Local officials are stumped but, worry this code could be alluding to future attacks. 4 people were killed and one other injured. The attacker fled on foot shouting "DING! Level 30!" as he raced off into the night, apparently on his way to Stormwind City to "train his new talents". The attacker has been described as a dwarf-like warrior dressed in mail armor and answering to the name, Zung. Citizens are urged to phone the police if they have any further information.
2. Watervliet Man Goes On Hunger Strike To Protest Bush Administration Policies - "Jay Zung", 29, of Watervliet has chosen not eat, drink or even go to the bathroom for several days now. He has opted instead to stay seated at his computer, playing a video game called World of Warcraft, presumably until George W. Bush does something about the rising gas prices and brings out troops in Iraq and Afghanistan home. Zung, a noted liberal extremist, has spearheaded such anti-Bush movements in the last year such as: Hunger strikes while playing City of Heroes and Forgetting to Blog on Wednesday's, which he claims is Bush's favorite day of the week. As for what this latest endeavor could mean, friends remain skeptical. Says Howie Skeeve, "I'm not sure if this is really a protest, Jay is just really, really into video games." Still, others remain convinced of Zung's political motives, as thousands have flocked to the street outside his home with messages of support and to join the protest. "These people have it all wrong," Skeeve said. "He's seriously just playing a video game... all the time... that's it."
3. Man Breaks Own Neck In Bizarre Sex Act - A local man was found nude and doubled over his bedroom today, presumably in a bizarre accident in which he suffered a broken neck while trying to place his own mouth on his genitals. The man's identity is being withheld pending notification of his family. Details remain light at press time, but coroners are confirming that the man had written "World Of Warcraft RULZ!" in black magic marker across his chest. No word on what this could mean. More expected by the evening edition.
4. Colleges Experience High Drop-Out Rates - Colleges across the nation have noted higher drop-out rates than normal this year, only weeks after the beginning of the fall semester. School officials have pointed their fingers at the latest craze in online gaming, which reward players for time spent playing. "Titles like City of Heroes and World of Warcraft are pulling students away from the classroom and destroying their futures" says Professor Richard Jones. But, at least one such drop-out, Jay Zung of Watervliet, NY, thinks otherwise. "What they don't understand," Zung states, "is that [World of Warcraft] is like a fiesta, man! Everyone in the whole world is there! It's utopia, man! If the professors of these so called colleges just got with the program, we could attend class in the game! It would be all killer, no filler, dude! WOOT!" More as this story develops.
5. Local Website Sued! - The operators of TKOP.com, also known as The Kingdom of Possiltum, found themselves in federal court today after one of their blogs drew the ire of several upper government officials who claim the site intentionally and maliciously slandered their good names on a world wide stage. Says Howie Skeeve, one of the chief operators of TKOP.com, "This is all Zung's fault. If he had just made his Wednesday blog posts none of this would have happened." Skeeve is referring to co-founder of the board, Jay Zung who left his position as Wednesday blogger to play World of Warcraft full-time. Skeeve put out word for a replacement and ended up selecting "The Cat" who immediately used the space to display "altered" images of Republican senators in a homosexual orgy on the white house lawn. Though the blog was ultimately removed, it remained on the site long enough for one of TKOP's biggest fans, Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld to see it and bring it to the attention of the senate. If convicted, Skeeve and several others could face a maximum 5 years in prison and fines up to $500,000. Jay Zung, ironically, will not face charges though many on TKOP hold him to blame. Instead he will be left alone to play World Of Warcraft all he wants, or at least until his grades plummet through the basement, his fiancee leaves him, and he dies a broken and lonely man.
That same fate could be yours for only $14.95 a month, kids.
You are now free to farm gold around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 8:41 AM
Tuesday, September 20
Sorry.
Looks like my ISP has knocked me offline at home for a bit. I'm going to work on this tonight, and see if I can't get it back up. But this is why half the webcams are down and my blog didn't happen last night.
I really don't have too much more to say, and I really do't want to get into how supported I'm feeling by a good portion of the staff here at tkop, so I'll just go away now.
posted by: Skeeve @ 2:59 PM
Friday, September 16
Zero's Friday Five
So, I wrote this very long rant about how I'm pretty fed up and annoyed by certain things and people taking topics in the forums not intended for anything other than fun and whimsy and turning them into long winded arguments about who has the biggest penis (oh, that might not be the issue, but it's easy to see when reading the rants that it's the real root of the thing). Then I decided that airing such dirty laundry on the main page blog is immature, embarrassing (especially to myself), and beneath me. Though difficult, I do my best not to stoop to the levels of those I'm critical of. Not to mention that it would completely undermine the spirit of this community. Suffice to say, I'm sure you know who you are and if you can't learn to put your feet up and laugh once and a while, you're all going to die young from some stress related heart condition or find your insides covered in ulcers or something disgusting like that. Seriously, we're just looking out for your well-beings. Incidentally, if you're offended by this, you should've read what I'd written before. It was scathing. It named names. There was swearing. Oh, yeah... lots of swearing. There wasn't any sex in it though, so the MPAA wouldn't have a problem showing it to children. In any case, I don't feel much like doing the Friday Five today because I'm so annoyed that the gestapo decided we're not allowed to have fun or be funny anymore. So, I'm going to bring you my five proposed commandments of the TKOP. Keep in mind that these have not been approved by the King and Queen... This is more like when Martin Luther nailed his little note to the church door...
1. Thou Shalt Always Attempt To Have A Sense Of Humour.
2. Thou Shalt Take Thy Troubles To The Loud Rooms, Where They Belong.
3. Thou Shalt Honor Thy TKOP Brothers & Sisters
4. Thou Shalt Make Babies And Show Them On The Webcam Page.
5. Thou Shalt Realize That This, Like All Friday Fives, Is A Joke. (See Commandment #1)
...and there you go. You are now free to blow it out your ass around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 9:50 AM
Monday, September 12
Sick days
Fall, the time that a young mans thoughts turn to tissues.
Oy.
So, I'm home, working just as hard as I was likely to at work... Wearing fleece pants and thinking about soup.
So, I'm really just phoning in this weeks blog, and I appologise for that, but the drugs are taking over and it's all going black...
Ooooh. Pretty colours. *THUD*
posted by: Skeeve @ 12:13 PM
Friday, September 9
Zero's Friday Five
Uh oh! Looks like Zung and City of Heroes broke up. You know what that means? Time to pounce on the rebound and shoplift the pootie... The SuperPootie! In order to help you shy ones, I present my top 5 pick-up lines. Feel free to use them on CoH or the nearest sexy human being of your choosing. Just remember, trying these lines on actual people (as opposed to video games or other lifeless forms of entertainment) may result in personal injury, public embarrassment, overwhelming shame, and in rare instances... nookie. Just be sure and wear a kryptonite condom.
1. "Lost Your Virginity, Huh? Can I Play With The Box It Came In?"
2. "See My Friend Over There? He Wants To Know If You Think I'm Cute."
3. "How Do You Like Your Eggs? Scrambled, Over-Easy, or Fertilized?"
4. "Want To Come Back To My Place And Do Some Math? Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs and Multiply!"
5. "You Might As Well Sleep With Me Because I'm Going To Tell Everyone We Did It Anyway."
You are now free to be as fine as you want to be around the TKOP, Sugar...
posted by: Zero @ 5:13 AM
Wednesday, September 7
Dear City of Heroes
By the time you read this, I'll be gone. I'm sorry for doing this but it just wasn't working out. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you, especially because you're still at the height of your popularity. But I'm sorry, I just need some space. I think you're a pretty good MMORPG, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, you insist on taking public transportation on all our dates. I know I deserve better, like a supervehicle or letting me use my flying ability to get across town. Secondly, you have some problems communicating. Getting messages through you was always such a hassle. Why did it take two years for you to finally use "/r" to instantly reply to someone? The third and final reason for leaving, was I felt like I just wasn't progressing in our relationship. The experience came slow, but I would do quite well for a couple hours and then suffer a huge set back when I died. XP Debt didn't seem like it was a problem until I found out that other game systems didn't use it. So what it really comes down to is, I want to see other MMORPGs. I just can't afford to keep playing you and another game too. We had some good times. I'll miss your unlimited costume choices, and I'll never forget that time you went to court with Marvel Comics, and won. I was so proud of you that day. I still want to be friends. We can totally hang out sometime if you drop your monthly fees.
So take care of yourself and try not to be super-depressed about it.
Love,
Kid Midnight
posted by: Zung @ 6:58 PM
Monday, September 5
Holidays?
It's strange how after years of working retail and other dumb jobs that rarely gave a day off that I almost never expect a holiday anymore. When I get one, I'm generally stumped for what to do with it. This weekend was no different. I didn't really expect not to have to come in at least at some point for the new student orientation this weekend. When my boss told me Friday that I would be generally "On Call" I thought that I'd get called in at least once over the weekend. So far... Nothing.
We spent the time reconnecting with our friends at an SCA event nearby to the house. We decided, after being there Saturday night, that we had missed these folk, after not being around them frequently in recent years, and so went back yesterday. It was marvelous. Made even better by the fact that Bliss wasn't working at her retail job either, so we and the boy got to hang out and play and see people.
So, I hope you are all enjoying your respective days. I hope you get to have a holiday off in this week, at least at some point. If you're working, keeping the stores open for the mass of us idiots who have the day off, I take my hat off to you.
And now, a poem for you to contemplate:
Labor day, schmabor day.
Hire some jerk and then send him away.
Celebrate work by playing all day.
-Garfield the cat.
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:36 AM
Friday, September 2
Zero's Friday Five
Everybody knows that New Orleans is under water. The goths have nowhere to go and brood anymore. God forbid. Seriously though, it's a huge disaster and it only seems to be getting worse with reports of panic, poor aid, looting, violence, etc... Makes me glad that I live in the Northeast where the only horrid weather is the occassional blizzard or ice storm. Anywho, I hope it doesn't disappoint, but I'm going to take a week off from the funny to give you an educational Friday Five. Think you're safe in the Northeast? Think again...
1. September 10, 1938 - The "New England Hurricane" lands in Long Island and begins a deadly 12 day trek up the East Coast. 600 deaths.
2. November 25, 1950 - "The Storm Of The Century" generates hurricane force winds and heavy snow. 383 deaths. $70 million in damage.
3. June 14, 1972 - Hurricane Agnes causes widespread flash floods killing 117. Damages estimated at over $8.6 billion. It is still the worst natural disaster ever in Pennsylvania (which took most of the damage).
4. March 12, 1993 - The "Superstorm" or "Blizzard of '93" paralyzes the Eastern Seaboard with high winds and record snowfall of 2-3 inches per hour. 270 deaths. Estimated $3-$6 billion in damage.
5. Jan. 6, 1996 - Heavy snow paralyzes the Appalachians, the mid-Atlantic, and the Northeast. 187 were killed in the blizzard and in the floods that resulted after a sudden, unexpected warm-up. Damages reached $3 billion.
I'm advising all my clients to invest in canned goods and shotguns.
You are now free to panic around the TKOP.
posted by: Zero @ 9:49 AM
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