TKOP.COM

Friday, July 29
Zero's Friday Five

It's supposed to work like this: Skeeve on Monday, Zung on Wednesday and Zero on Friday. But, that didn't happen this week. In fact, that doesn't happen most weeks. I never miss my posts. Oh, sure I'm a little late now and again, but I always deliver. But don't go hating on those other guys. Skeeve and Zung are busy boys, and to help explain the situation I present Zero's Friday Five: The Top Five Reasons Zung and Skeeve Miss Their Blogging Dates.

1. City Of Heroes - It has been widely documented in our Free Forums, that both Zung and Skeeve have control problems when it comes to digital crack like City Of Heroes. You really can't blame them for ditching their blogs in favor of flying around a sprawling metropolis-like super city as their alter egos Captain Bi-Curious and G-String Boy.

2. POKT.com - In the bizarro universe, there exists a web community called POKT, which is the exact opposite of TKOP. There, Anibas can spell, Swalbr uses the shift key, The Cat is a wealthy british philanthropist and strict Neo-Con, Ronin is a yes-man who agrees with everything anyone says, Adara posts all the time, Ace's webcam works, Zero mods the boards lamest sub, Evil_KATil is known as GoOd_katIL, and Zung and Skeeve always miss their blog dates. Apparently, what has happened is that our Zung and Skeeve fell through a dimension door and now exist in the POKT universe, and we have their bizarro forms here.

3. Porn - It's readily available on the internet for free, and more fun to look at than the GUI on Blogger. Just don't tell Zung and Skeeve's significant others. Zung, especially, is into some freaky naughty shiznit (often involving bratwurst).

4. THEY DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!

5. New Lifestyles - Sometimes something comes along in life that changes everything. Skeeve and Bliss were recently blessed with a beautiful baby boy that we all know as Lane. I'm sure taking care of him takes up a lot of Skeeve's time and we shouldn't be upset if he misses the Monday blog from time to time because of this. On the other hand, Zung has recently taken up a new hobby: tracking the frequency of his erections and how long they last with his brand new Fisher-Price stopwatch. All he does now is sit naked at his computer playing CoH and giggling like a maniac as the seconds click away during what he has lovingly dubbed "Boner Time". Of course, his fiancee is extremely worried, but what can anyone do?

103... 104... 105... 106... hehehehehehehe!

You are now free to move about the TKOP.

posted by: Zero @ 5:40 AM

Friday, July 22
Zero's Friday Five

Tonight, on a very special Friday Five... (You'll figure it out)

1. "Blossom's Dilemma" - Six has run off with Sonny, and only Vinnie and Blossom know where they've gone. Blossom tries to talk Six out of her infatuation, but it ends only when Sonny is arrested and immediately falls for a female prison guard. - Who names their kid "Six"?! Maybe it's a nickname from some blowjob contest she won with the high school football team (in which case it's just as unfortunate as that kid "Boner" on Growing Pains). And no way does Sonny fall for a female prison guard... more like his cell mate, Bubba the Big Gay Rapist.

2. ".38 Special" - Blossom spots a gun in a classmate's locker; Joey encounters an alcoholic clown. - I kid you not. That is the episode recap. A gun in a locker and an alcoholic clown?! Throw a midget and huge tub of vaseline into that mix and you've got yourself one hell of a good joke. Just don't ask me what it is.

3. "Double Date" - Six's date, who is Vinnie's best friend, makes a pass at Blossom and then denies it; Joey's secret admirer turns out to be a gay teammate; Anthony's father-in-law visits and discovers that he once arrested Nick during a 1970s campus protest. - This kind of thing happens to me every week.

4. "Seven Deadly Sins" - Two aliens in a flying saucer (voices of Joey Lawrence and Michael Stoyanov) choose the Russo home as the site for their observations of earthling behavior, particularly their susceptibility to the seven deadly sins, which are illustrated in encounters between the various characters. - Wow, talk about jumping the shark. Now, had the aliens been Alf and Mork from Ork, then we would've had something.

5. "A Star Is Bared" - Talia Shire asks Blossom to play the lead in a new movie she's directing - but the part requires Blossom to appear in the nude. - They got Talia Shire to guest star on this crap show? Why, Adrienne, why?! And I might be able to accept that aliens would span the galaxy to test the Russo's susceptibility to the Seven Deadlies, but Blossom having a problem showing her rack in a movie? Please. She had sex with like 80 people during the course of that show. I don't believe it for a second.

Whoa.

You are now free to move about the TKOP.

posted by: Zero @ 12:05 PM

Wednesday, July 20
Mama, whats a dildo?

Congratulations to Zero, for his combination of mad photoshop skillz and a sick sense of humor. You're going places dude. Maybe it's an Art Firm, maybe it's prison. Time will tell.

So once again, we have a winner by default. This perplexes me.

Traffic in the forum seems to be down. But Summer is the time that we geeks are driven indoors by the scalding sun, to protect our delicate pale skin. The other day my father threw something at me. He called it a "foot-ball." I will google this "foot-ball." But in the meantime, I'll be consulting the gawdz as to why the photomanipulation contest is slow to boil.

For now, take a week off. Enjoy the air conditioning. We will have a contest next week.

Perhaps it will be the same, perhaps we will make changes. We shall see.

posted by: Zung @ 3:52 PM

Monday, July 18
Still with the lack of posties.

Well, nothing much new here at Casa TKOP. Baby is fine, Mommy is fine Daddy is tired...

It's hard to go back to work, even a job you enjoy, even part time, after something like this happens in your life. No matter if you are mother or father, I would think.

I go back full time in the beginning of August.

But tomorrow will be a full day. Work, and at 3pm work is throwing us a baby shower. Bliss and the kiddo will be coming with me to work early in the am.

So, as tiny as these updates have been lately I leave you again. Know that as sparse as they are, the days are just packed.

Close your eyes, Have no fear,
The monsters gone, he's on the run
and your daddy's here.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean, ship sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you while you're busy making other plans,

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Darling, darling, darling, darling Sean.
Goodnight Sean, see you in the morning.

-Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy) by John Lennon

posted by: Skeeve @ 11:11 PM

Friday, July 15
Zero's Friday Five

Greetings, Muggles!

As many of you know, Harry Potter 6 hits bookshelves tonight at midnight, and it is set to break records (again). I think J.K. Rowling made a deal with the devil to be able, not to write so well, but to craft something that has such a following. Even though she's said that the Potter series will end after book 7, I have a hard time believing that she or her publishing company could resist the urge to keep it going in order to grab that phat bank. Yeah... I said phat. I'm stupid.

Either way you slice it, Harry Potter's adventure (though not yet over) is mostly behind him now. With only one more book to go after this, there's a limit to what our Hogwartian Hero can go through... And so I bring you the Top 5 Things That You WON'T See Happen In Harry Potter, Books 6 & 7.

1. Hermoine & The Dark Lord's Seed - I've heard rumors that Hermoine and Draco Malfoy are going to kick a little romance in the upcoming finale. I guess every girl goes through her bad-boy phase at some point, no? But, don't expect everyone's favorite pre-teen she-witch to go all rebel, and bang Voldemort without protection, get knocked up and have some devil spawn baby that will ultimately duel the adopted love child of Harry and Ron. No, we'll leave this one to the slash-fic writers.

2. Harry Discovers MMORPG and Flunks Out Of School - While it may have happened to some of us... Don't expect Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince to be about Harry's World of Warcraft character. Potter has better things to do, Neither his uncle, the Weasley's or Hogwarts School has a computer, and I don't think he could afford the monthly subscription fees anyway. Sure, he's got all that money from his dead parents, but good luck finding a bank that can exchange gold doubloons and dragon poop for real cash.

3. The Trials of Puberty - There will be no lengthy descriptions of Draco playing with himself at the dinner table, Hermoine going to the magic tampon shop, Ron having a suitcase full of gay porn, or Harry spending all his free time perfecting a spell called Orgasmus Maximus! You people are just sick.

4. Darth Voldemort - On a more serious note, if the words "No Harry, *I* AM YOUR FATHER!" are spoken by He Who Should Not Be Named, I will laugh my balls off. Not because it's funny, but because it's trite, uncreative, stupid, and well... we've seen it before.

5. Quidditch Lock Out - Unlike the NHL or MLB, I'm quite sure we're not going to see the Quidditch Players' Union strike against the team house masters and delay the start of, or possibly cancel play for a season while new contracts are worked out. Despite the fact that many of the players suffer broken brooms, bones and concussions, they're happy not getting paid. They get free medical, and the benefits of schoolwide fame... and let me tell you, Quidditch groupies are some of the sluttiest groupies around. Sure, I know they're all like 8-14 years old but, you know what they say: What Happens At Hogwarts, Stays At Hogwarts (They actually say that. You're not allowed to discuss Hogwarts or use magic in the real world... naughty).

Writing this I've realized that Harry Potter is actually incredibly complex child pornography. I think the FBI or CIA should be notified immediately. But, I'm not going to be the whistle blower... I don't need millions of Potter fans mad at me when Rowling ends up in prison indefinitely delaying the release of Book 7.

That's it! Now go pick up Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince, read, and enjoy. Then come discuss it (or anything else for that matter) in our free forums. You know you want to. We're all nice people and only one of us bites (I'm not saying which one though).

You are now free to move about the TKOP.

posted by: Zero @ 9:55 AM

Wednesday, July 13
Forums are back up.

Come on in, the waters fine.

posted by: Skeeve @ 12:00 AM

Friday, July 8
Zero's Friday Five

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, Zero's Friday Five. This week: Zero's Favorite Twilight Zone Episodes!

1. The Obselete Man - In a future society, all books and religion have been banned. Romney Wordsworth is a God-fearing librarian who has been judged obsolete by a chancellor of the State. He is granted three requests: only his assassin will know his method of death, that he die at midnight the next day, and that he have an audience. Forty-five minutes before his scheduled death, he invites the Chancellor to his room. He then informs the Chancellor that he has chosen to be killed by a bomb set to explode at midnight, he then locks the Chancellor in his room. A TV camera is broadcasting all that happens - and Wordsworth will prove who's will is stronger, his or the State's. The Chancellor is calm at first, but as the minutes tick by he begins to panic. He finally cries out, "In the name of God, let me out!" Wordsworth hands him the key, and the Chancellor runs from the room just as it explodes. When the Chancellor returns to his court, he finds he has been judged obsolete and replaced. Loyal members of the State surround him and tear him to pieces. Burgess Meredith stars.

2. Time Enough At Last - Mr. Bemis is a bank teller and loves to read. His wife despises his reading addiction and even tears up one of his books. Bemis' reading also gets him into trouble at work. One day during his lunch break, he sneaks off to the bank vault to read. Suddenly, a bomb blows up while he is inside. Once he recovers, he comes out of the vault to find that everything is destroyed and he is the only survivor. When he is about to commit suicide, he notices the remains of the library. He is overjoyed to find that the books are still intact. He has piled up books that he will read for years, when he drops his glasses and breaks them - he is now unable to see the books to read them. Burgess Meredith stars... again.

3. A Quality of Mercy - Lieutenant Katell orders his men to make a near-suicidal attack on a group of Japanese soldiers in a cave. Sgt. Causarano tries to dissuade him from attacking the cave, but to no avail. Suddenly, Katell is Lt. Yamuri, a Japanese officer on Corregidor on May 4, 1942. His captain is about to order an attack on a group of wounded American soldiers in a cave. He pleads with his captain to not attack, but it's in vain. Suddenly, he is back in the Phillipines. The U.S. has dropped an A-bomb on Japan, and his platoon has been ordered to fall back and not attack the cave. Having seen both sides, Katell is relieved. Dean Stockwell stars.

4. Kick The Can - Charles Whitley, a resident of Sunnyvale, decides that the secret to youth is acting young. His friend Ben Conroy thinks he is crazy. One night Charles tries to wake everyone up to play a game of kick-the-can. Everyone agrees except Ben, who goes to tell the home's superintendent, Mr. Cox. When Ben and Mr. Cox go outside all they find are a group of children playing kick-the-can - they are all young again. Ben begs his old friend for a second chance, but Charles, now a boy, tells him it's too late. The children all run off into the bushes, leaving Ben behind. Ernest Truex stars. This is hands down my favorite Twilight Zone episode.

5. Nightmare at 20,000 Feet - Mr. Wilson sees a creature on the wing of his airplane, but no one believes him. Seeing that the creature is about to destroy the engine, he takes a sleeping policeman's gun, opens a hatch, and empties the gun into the creature. It is hit and gets swept off the wing. Mr. Wilson is taken off the plane in a straitjacket, convinced that he saved the plane. Serling's ending hints that the proof of the creature was later found. William Shatner stars. (Honestly, I'd have put something else here, but no Twilight Zone themed list is complete until you mention the infamous "There's the man on the wing!" episode.)

Thanks to TV.com for the episode recaps.

You are now free to move about the TKOP.

posted by: Zero @ 6:53 AM

Tuesday, July 5
Uncle Sam would be proud

This week's image manipulation winner is...Nathliea!

Although she won by default, we know this Seizure inspiring show of patriotism would have beaten down any other entry. (But that still doesn't mean you can't submit folks!)

Congrats Nathliea!

posted by: Zung @ 7:57 PM

Monday, July 4
Happy 4th!

I hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th of July here in the states.

posted by: Skeeve @ 10:06 PM

Friday, July 1
Zero's Friday Five

Happy 4th of July Weekend, Folks! I'm starting my vacation early, so here's a quick Friday Five: Five Things You Should Do This Weekend...

1. Get Laid - This goes without saying.

2. Have a BBQ with Friends and/or Family - You just haven't celebrated Independence until you've gnoshed on an overcooked cheeseburger made on a grill that probably hasn't been cleaned... ever... and that may have been dropped on the ground no more than 5 times during its irresponsibly long cooking time.

3. Catch Up on Your MMORPG - World of Warcraft, Everquest, The Sims, NWN, Zero's Forum Games... face it, you play games. And you haven't been playing them enough lately because of that pesky job or school work getting in the way. Well, suck it up! You probably have Monday off. Get your game on or... or... the terrorists win.

4. Pee In The Shower - This goes without saying.

5. Make a Personal Vow To Never Pee In The Shower Again - That's disgusting! I can't believe you actually did #4. I mean... just because I write something in this space, doesn't mean it's true or something to do. You sick, sick, sicko! Now, you have to swear, not to me, not to your loved ones, but to yourself that you're never going to pee in the shower again. What's wrong with you?! The toilet is like... right over there. You couldn't be bothered to take 3 steps to the left and lift the seat? Good God. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You are now free to move about the TKOP... Sicko.
.

posted by: Zero @ 5:12 AM