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Wednesday, December 22
ZERO's HOLIDAY TOP FIVE
Greetings and salutations! For the glory of The Kingdom of Possiltum, your Crescent Fresh Game Master, Zero has traveled near and far across this great blue marble to bring you the next installment of ZERO's TOP FIVE, a guest blog of wit and fancy for the court's approval. This week: THE TOP FIVE MOST BIZARRE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS.
5. WEINFELDEN CHILDREN'S PARADE: On the last Thursday before Christmas, the children of Weinfelden parade through the streets with decorated fodder beets. These fodder beets have been hollowed out and lit from within with a beeswax candle. After singing carols in the town square, the children go to their schools where they dine on wurst and bread. At the same time, adults go the local tavern or coffeehouse, and the town council holds its annual budget meeting. I don't know how it all got started, but suffice to say when I think of Christmas, I first think of children with candle-lit beets eating wurst, adults drinking coffee and balancing the budget. God bless us, Everyone.
4. LAUPEN NEW YEAR: Originally held on Christmas Eve as part of their annual Christmas tradition, the Laupen New Year was switched to December 31st after town officials tried, unsuccessfully, to have it outlawed. It was then that a town priest stepped in and demanded the tradition be transformed into a New Years' Celebration because it was too "loud and rowdy" to be part of Christmas. After nightfall on December 31, participating schoolboys, comprising three boisterous groups, meet at the local castle and proceed down to the village. In the first group are the "bell ringers", who swing or rattle large bells which can be heard for miles around. Next, the "broom men" carry long poles with bunches of juniper branches tied to the top. The third group is probably the most bizarre - the "bladder men" carry pig bladders filled with air. Why? I have no idea. The procession stops at various locations along the route as the leader recites a rhymed farewell to the old year and wishes the crowd a happy new one (when it was still a Christmas tradition, they sung carols). During the recitation, the broom men wave their juniper brooms over the heads of the crowd. Now... here's the funny part: at the end of journey, the broom men and the bladder men, all armed with sticks and inflated pig bladders, proceed to "beat" the onlookers, especially young ladies, until their weapons are in shreds. Happy New Year!
3. LA MISA DEL GALLO: "La Misa Del Gallo" is equivalent to Midnight Mass. This solemn celebration begins the night of festivities called Nochebuena, or Good Night. Families gather in their homes after mass to eat Roast Pork. Also served are side dishes of "verdura", which consists of cooked green bananas, plantains, and assorted root vegetables. Pasteles are another traditional dish. This is a time consuming item usually prepared weeks before Christmas to be served this evening. It is made with mashed green bananas, plantains and other root vegetables, filled with cooked pork then wrapped with banana leaves or foil, then boiled. So, why is this on my list? Simple. According to three web sites that I visited, this is the tradition. Eating pork. That's it. In a country deeply rooted in the Catholic faith, whose other Christmas traditions are very religious, you have this one day where you apparently do nothing but eat. No glory to God, no gifts, no prayers... just pork. I'm sure there's more too it, but I'll be damned if I couldn't find anything. So, Merry Christmas. Now, shut up and eat your friggin' pork.
2. MISTLETOE: The tradition of the mistletoe dates back to ancient history and across many cultures. In general, it is a sign of peace, goodwill and love. From England to Australia and New Zealand, all across Europe and over to Iran, and no less an important tradition in the U.S. and Canada. From as long ago as ancient druid tradition, the mistletoe was seen as a sign of peace and goodwill. Warring tribes chancing across it stopped their battles observed a temporary truce. It was displayed as a sign of truce and peace. Some cultures believed it to guard against witch craft. Other cultures used it in the practice of medicine for a variety of illnesses. And somewhere along the line, it became something you hang over your door for the sole purpose of stealing kisses. But, be careful. In some European countries, kissing a woman beneath the mistletoe is a proposal of marriage! In any case, for every kiss under the mistletoe, you're supposed to remove one berry, and when all the berries are gone, so are all the kisses. Now, again with the punchline: Mistletoe is a poisonous, parasitic plant. It lives on trees, sending its roots under the bark and feeding off the tree's nutrients, eventually killing its host. Do yourself a favor and get an artificial one, just to be safe. What I can't grasp is how a plant that kills what it lives off of, and anything that dares to eat it became this symbol of love and fertility. Go figure.
1. WASSAILING THE APPLE TREE: The Druids, who celebrated the solstice festival of Yule-tide, held all trees sacred. Among the vestiges of Druidism incorporated into Christmas (decking the halls being the most prevalent), the custom of wassailing the apple trees has been preserved in parts of Britain for many years. From the apple tree the Druids would cut their divining rods, snd to this tree at Christmas, in Devon, Cornwall and other counties, a curious ceremony is paid. The farmer and his laborers soak cakes in cider, and place them on the trenches of an apple tree, and sprinkling the tree repeat the following incantation:
Here's to thee, old apple tree!
Whence thou mayest bud,
and whence thou mayest blow.
Hats full! Caps full?
Bushel, bushel, sacks full!
And my pockets too! Huzza!
After which they dance round the tree and get drunk on the cider which remains. They believe that if they did not do this the tree would not bear. How this was incorporated into Christmas, I'm sure we'll never know, but what the hell? T'is the season to be jolly, drunk and looking forward to a large apple harvest... right?
...and there you have it. I'll be back again (or maybe not) with another top 5. Until then, have a safe and happy holiday full of your own bizarre traditions!
You are now free to move about the TKoP.
- Zero
PS. HUZZAH!
posted by: The Peanut Gallery @ 11:53 AM
Monday, December 20
Figgy WHATNOW?
We don't really have carolers anymore..
Is that a bad thing?
I do remember doing it a little when I was a kid and we'd go to my Grandmothers house. In a way, it's a community bulder. Sort of like Halloween. You were supposed to invite the carolers in, and feed them and give them warm beverages. Like figgy pudding and hot mulled cider.
Or fruitcake.
You could, in the keeping of the season, I suppose, simplify the whole process and drop a fruitcake on thier heads. Or perhaps invite them into your evil lab... Wait... Wrong holiday. I guess it really was a community service. I mean if they actually ate that &$^%, then it wouldn't get thrown away in July, all green and fuzzy.
Also, we couldn't do this today because NO ONE knows the real words to any of these songs anyway. After only hearing musak versions of them for so long, we've forgotten the legacy and knowledge of Good King Wenslass. All these songs have been corrupted by unscrupulous youths and now when I hear Jingle bells all I can think of is "The batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away!".
And Silent night? It might have been before the &$%(#ing carolers showed up...
But seriously, go and have a bright and happy season. Be it Yule, Christmas, Chanukah (Or however you want to convert it.), Kwanza or even if you abstain from organised celebrations altogether. May you know the love and joy of Family and friends. May you never hunger or thirst.
Fruitcake for all!
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:02 PM
Friday, December 17
My Secret Santa
This morning, I got my gift from my secret Santa. I knew it was coming, and I knew who my secret Santa was. American Airlines. My Boss is boarding a plane as I type, and will be in Miami for a week. Since I have the week after next off, I won't see her for two whole weeks.
Joy to the world.
Since I won't see her for that long, she's written me my paycheck for the balance of the year. It's a big fat one too. And wouldn't you know it, I've already bought a holiday gift for everyone on my list, except one. Me.
And heaven and nature sing.
I want something really awesome, and if any sickly kid with crutches gets in my way, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... Awwww, damnit. Now the holiday spirit is taking over my mushy brain. So if any sickly kid with crutches gets in my way, I guess I'll just have to look away like I didn't see him. I don't want him to feel ashamed.
What? He's just going to spend the pennies I give him on drugs anyhow. Maybe they're prescription drugs, maybe it's heroin. I don't know. I can't ask him, because he's mute. The bum should get a job, just like all those other kids sewing fantastically tight threads with their little fingers.
I totally promise to give him the box my television comes in. And if he wants the monitor box too, as a spare bedroom in case someone comes to visit, that's OK with me. It's his life, and I won't ask him any questions.
You know what I hate? The way those street urchins look at you when you're eating. The drool coming out of the side of their mouth is particularly rude. Why can't they just stay still on the table? I let them come in the house and stay warm, only if they agreed to be part of my "Charles Dickens" xmas table centerpiece. If that little red head keeps coughing, I'm throwing him right out into the snow. He has no idea how expendable he is.
My favorite part of the holiday season, is when my true love and I snuggle up on top of our orphan pile in front of the fire. The fireplace does get a little noisy from time to time, when you throw another orphan in there to keep the room nice and cozy. It's a good thing I keep the flue clean, because burning flesh is not a pretty smell. It just doesn't go well with nutmeg and cinnamon.
Make sure to stock up on your little ones this holiday season. The Orphanages are nearly emptied. I picked mine out well ahead of time. Did you know they'll deliver them for free on the last night of October? It really pays to think ahead.
I hope your holidays are full of cheer!
posted by: Zung @ 9:46 AM
Wednesday, December 15
A few things from work I'd like to share....
Customer X calls and asks:
Can you tell me why spyware is bad?..(There's not enough time for me to put the total conversation here, but believe me it was head-bouncing-off-the-wall fun)
That IP is in the protected section of the building, there's no way a virus can be there. How is that possible?
Me: How is it protected?
The only people who have access to that room are the high muckety-mucks.
Me: And they all have login access to this host?
No, we keep it simple for them since they're not computer savvy. They just turn on the monitor.
Me: Does the cleaning staff have access to that room?
Yes.
Me: I ask again, who has access to the room?
Just the high muckety-mucks, why?
Me: <smacks forehead>
How can we stop the virus from spreading? (Lead IT guy)
Could you stop telling us we have a worm infection? We're tired of getting constant emails.
How do you know it's a worm?
Me: It's showing a large amount of traffic on port 135 and 445, which is typical of some worms
That could be a misconfigured system
Me: Yes, that's possible, but a misconfigured system wouldn't try to connect to every IP in it's range on these particular ports.
It still could be a misconfigured system
Me: But now sir, it's not only the one host it's....3, no wait, 4 hosts now.
It could be the same software on each box
Me: Yes Sir i'm sure that each of those hosts now have the exact same software on board, and it's called Sasser.
Hello, yes I've had some trouble upgrading the Java installation that you guys told us to update, and you didn't list the installation instructions in your email that you sent to everyone. It's lucky that i'm an Oracle DBA and they asked me to test it. You guys should put un-install instructions in the alerts you send out. You know, the Oracle apps that I'VE written, since i'm a DBA and all, don't like the new version of Java... (goes on for about 30 minutes more without letting me interject)
Me: Yes sir, i'll talk to the person in charge and we'll see about adding those to our new procedures for submitting alerts to the general public
Yeah, and i'm glad that the person in charge asked ME to test it, since i'm a DBA in Oracle.
<five minutes pass>
Yes, it's me again... You'll never guess what i just found out...
Me: What was that Sir? <dread>
The link that you provided in the email took me to a page for the downloads, and on the page at the bottom.... were the un-install directions... funny huh?...
Me: Yes sir, that is kinda funny, now that you mention it.... (And the rest is customer service history)
Me: Sir this is me from where i work
Hey me, how are you?
Me: Good, but i need to inform you of something going on in your network
Sure, what is it?
There's a possibility that someone has a Peer to Peer client installed on a host
Again? <sighs> where?
Me: (IP given)
I'll send you an email when I've got it cleaned up
Me: Thanks, we appreciate it
<Next day>
Hey, how are you doing?
Me: I'm good sir, are you calling to give me an update on that Peer to Peer incident from yesterday?
Yeah, we found <P2P client software> on the machine, but that's not all
Me: <Ears prick up> Oh really? What else was there?
We found allot of Porn on the machine, it's not clear if he was collecting, or serving it up, but there was allot.
Me: Okay sir, i'll just notate this in our records as "Questionable Material" found on machine. I assume that the mess has all been cleaned up?
Yes, both items were taken care of with extreme prejudice.
Me: Yes sir!
You know that old saying "It's an unwritten rule that...."?
Doesn't that just frost your cookies? How in the Hell are you supposed to know all of the unwritten rules when they're not written down for you to find them? Here i present a conversation for your enjoyment:
How in the world is it possible to know that for customer X they don't like it when you do y?
"Well, it's just one of those thing that you know about that customer"
WHAT?!? In what documentation was that noted?
"It's just known about them"
How long has it been known?
"A year or so"
Hmmm... I've been here almost six months... so is there anyway i would have know about this?
"You never asked"
I WHAT?!? Okay smartalec, i'm asking now, do any of our customers have any "Special Requests" that i need to know about?!?
"I dunno right off the top of my head, ask me later....are you hot? Your ears are red"
<shakes head> Yeah, i'm going to the bathroom, can you watch the phones for me? <grumble>
Another conversation:
"Ace, i need you to create something in the database to track x piece of information, and have it be able to correspond to y piece of information"
Okay, what are the details regarding this information?
"What details do you need?"
Anything that you want to track, the Who, What, When, Why, Where of it.
"All i need is this one piece tracked, not a ton of information that i'm not going to use"
Uh-huh....So when you ask me more detailed questions about it next week, and i don't have it, are you gonna go yell at the mirror, or yell at me?
<sighs>"What details do you need?"
Whatever information you can think of to provide you the level of detail that you need to track it precisely
"Can you give me an example?"
<sighs> Did you ever watch High Fidelity with John Cusack?
"Yes"
When he was resorting his record collection how was he doing it?
"Chronologically by author and original label or something like that"
I need that level of details
(Non-politically correct version of the next word)"Crap"
Yeah....
"Well, go online and research it for me. Then tell me what details YOU think that i should have in it, and than i'll veto the ones i don't need"
<sighs> yes sir (spelling it c-u-r)
Last one i promise: (Scenario: there are two teams that divide my co-workers, Operations and Development. I'm on the Dev Team with two other people, the rest are in Operations, and this was a snippet of conversation from the last Ops Meeting... Enjoy)
Member 1: What we need is a totally searchable method to find anything that we want in a few minutes, with regards to documents
Me: <ears prick up><thinks: please Lord, let them realize that you can index a PDF quite easily, and not the undesirable alternative....>
M2: Yeah, that way any procedures or TechDocs can be found by keyword, and easily referenced
Me: <pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease>
Boss: Ace, could you come here please?
Me: <thinks: F*$%!*>
Boss: Have you been listening to this conversation?
Me: Kinda
Boss: Well, this is gonna be your next project, creating a database of our documents with searchable keywords in a simple to use format. You can go back to your desk now, i just wanted to let you know that this is what's coming.
Me: Yes, Sir <ears changing color>
M3: <laughs> I'm betting Ace doesn't like you right now Boss!
Boss: I'm sure that Ace is saying in his head right now that he's relishing the challenge that was presented today
Me: Not exactly (with a little bit more vehemence than i wanted to betray)
Boss: Oh really, what were you saying in your head?
M3: Probably jerk or something along those lines
Me: <silence>
Boss: Come on Ace, what did you say?
Me: Nothing
Boss: You can tell me, what did you say?
Me: C*ck$ucker!
Entire Ops Team: <gasp!>
Boss: <laughs> It's not too often you can call you Boss that and get away with it, is there?
Me: Doesn't change the fact, 'tho does it?
Ahhh.... that's better. Thanks for listening to me rant, now i'll go back to work.
Ace (not Diamonds)
posted by: The Peanut Gallery @ 5:58 PM
Monday, December 13
No, I haven't forgotten...
It's been a busy last several days, and the big changes to TKOP are coming up soon, so it's going to be a low word count day.
I'll leave you with this:
All I want for Christmas is a shotgun and Diplomatic immunity.
posted by: Skeeve @ 9:05 PM
Thursday, December 9
I totally meant to...
This is one of my mottos in life. The others being "I have no idea how it broke" and "Do you have a copy of Alex Winter's Freaked?". I think we all have some variation on the neglected obligation theme. It's one of life's certainties. If anything has to get done, it will, for a time, not be done. How well it's done is another story. Woody Allen once said that eighty percent of success in life is showing up. Apparently the other 20% involves being short and funny, and sleeping with your adopted daughter. I think I've got two of those covered.
So as I was saying, I find it hard to get things done. Like trying to write a clear paragraph without going off on tangents. Sleeping is something I do very well, and it always gets done a nightly basis. Eating is something I accomplish only when my fiance is involved. Otherwise I end up with a bowl of M&M's for dinner at ten o'clock at night. Writing, while being something I enjoy doing, always seems to escape my "to do" list. And since a "to do" list is an act of writing, you can easily see how everything else goes downhill from there.
So when Skeeve tells me last night that he hasn't gotten a guest blog from anyone this week, I thought about asking Major Huddleston to write a guest blog. But Major Huddelston has enough problems finding time to be Major Huddleston (it's totally on his "to-do" list). So I got to thinking about how some people might be scared off by the idea of writing something for TKOP, or writing anything in general. While a few paragraphs to the untrained eye seem like a small accomplishment (An act a monkey in front of a typewriter can perform), stringing together several complete sentences isn't always fun or easy. Not to mention having a subject, or at least some words that people would enjoy reading. But it's not really about talent of skill. You can toss in some words like Twyndyllyngs and niminy-piminy or mention something political, ethical or historical and you've got something worth publishing. As long as it's fairly short, by the time the reader catches on that you have no literary business touching a keyboard, they've already finished. Mission accomplished.
posted by: Zung @ 9:56 AM
Monday, December 6
Living without Java...
I'm trying to take a great experiment snd see if there is indeed life beyond Java. I'm quitting coffee cold turkey.
Soda too.
I am keeping tea (Both hot and iced) and Chocolate (But less) in my diet, but I'm setting them farther back behind water and a healthier diet.
For many people coffee poses no real health risk, but lately after drinking coffee I find my lows to be lower and my body more sluggish when waking. Also I have to drink more water to hydrate myself. While none of this is life threatening I find myself to be a bit clearer and calmer without the coffee and I believe this to be a better thing for me.
As for soda, I can't abide the diet varieties, and the normal types have too much sugar and I'm interested in not holding as much weight.
I've been toying with the idea of going back to my past Vegetarian ways, also... But for now I think the changes I've made will see me into the next year nicely.
Up next.. The exersize program.
posted by: Skeeve @ 11:20 AM
Friday, December 3
It's better late than never...
No, I'm not talking about posting this entry so late on Friday. I'm talking about school. I've been accepted to SUNY:Albany for the upcoming spring semester.
The year after high school I went to The Savannah College of Art & Design, and spent a year enrolled in their sequential art program (fancy name for comic book art). It was really expensive and really far from home, so I dropped out and went to community college. I got an associates in theatre (WTF?), and I've been a bump on a log ever since.
I'm going for my bachelors in fine art, ten years after high school. Working odd jobs just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm leaning towards becoming a High School Art Teacher, but I'm not ruling out any other fantastic career opportunities that come my way. Except for penniless painter. I'm NOT cutting my ear off damnit.
So college life, is going to be anything but that. I'm not going to be chasing after girls, experimenting with drugs, or getting blitzed at some seedy bar that doesn't ID. Not that I did much of that the first time I went to college. Except for the girl thing. But that was more like stalking than chasing.
So I know what you're thinking. When does he register a cheesy named website to display scanned in copies of his art, with links to cafepress so you can buy "still life with naked dude" on a t-shirt? Or maybe he'll become a true artist and sit around doing nothing all day and beat his wife, and when she leaves, he shall beat himself. Or will he sell out every ounce of his moral fiber and sanity, and paint scenes of terror for National Homeland Security pamphlets?
Artists are never really understood, and I think that has a lot to do with artist not being able to even understand themselves. To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. But I am paying several thousand dollars for it.
posted by: Zung @ 5:50 PM
Wednesday, December 1
The Views expressed by Version2PtO do not nessasarily reflect those of the Management. (But who say's they don't?)
November = December?
Now that we're finished with a month full of gluttony, discontent, and disturbing world events (*cough* U.S. election results *cough*), we can start a new month of the same. Let's face it, November and December are the exact same month. How so?
Gluttony:
November - Over-indulgence of turkey, stuffing, and mom's pumpkin pie.
December - Stuffing ourselves silly with candy canes, Christmas/Hanukkah dinner(s), and Christmas cookies.
Further Gluttony:
November - Black Friday. 'Nuff said.
December - Black Friday, Saturday, Sunday, etc.
Discontent:
November - Election results for at least 49% of the nation. Although I'm quite sure the number is higher due to voter fraud and other problems our government-controlled media never reported about.
December - Receiving that annual holiday gift from your relatives that you knew you weren't going to like (and are stuck pretending it's not going to sit in your closet for the next ten years). For example, a red nightshirt from my aunt about five years ago. It had Christmas puppies on it, and a $2 clearance price tag from Ames (remember that place?) At least it was great for waxing my car ;)
Disturbing World Events:
November - Election results (again). Also, the death of Arafat (who knows what is going to happen over there), more deaths in Iraq, White House reports that Bush's win was a manifestation *shudder*, genocide in Sudan, more deaths in Iraq, my parents Christmas decorations in front of their house, and more deaths in Iraq.
December - To quote the Bush administration, "more of the same." I'm sure you can sense how I feel about this.
So to review, December is going to be almost the same month as November. We'll have tons of food, holiday shopping hell, and unsettling events around the home and in the world. To this I say, bring it on!! (Besides, I need something to rant about next month!) Have a great holiday season TKOPers (or whatever we call ourselves)!
posted by: The Peanut Gallery @ 8:58 AM
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